Top 20 Countdown

So the other day I was talking to my Dad about having to tell a guy that I no longer wanted to see him anymore and how guilty I felt for doing it (I'll elaborate later). As I went on and on about it, getting mildly upset, good old Dad interrupted my babbling by saying this: “Kid breaking up with someone is a part of life, you're going to have to dump at least twenty people before you find someone who is right for you”. Wow. How right is he and how inspiring does that feel and also exciting!? Its not fun telling someone you don't want to see them anymore, I agree it really sucks, but the prospect of having a trial and error with “at least twenty” guys before for I find the right one, or in my case Mr. Right Now, seems kind of like a fun adventure. Besides the two guys this past week, I've never really had to dump anyone before. I had a high school relationship that fizzled due to the immaturity of high school and being together way too long, and I've had a few flings with college boys, but other than that I've never really dated in the grown up way. So setting those past “relationships” aside I' going to start my Top 20 countdown here in Rochester and with my first two casualties. Lets keep in mind these have to be guys I actually go on dates with and not just guys I message with on the site.

OK so here we go Bachelor #1 (we'll use these titles for confidentiality, also because I don't know what Bachelor #1's name is in real life). Well Bachelor #1 I met on another one of my dating sites. Yes Cyber Slut has decided to expand her horizons by not going on one, or two but THREE sites! Why? Not really sure, but I figure I might as well put myself out there, and let Mr. Right Now see my pretty little face everywhere. How do you expect them to find you if you're hidden, and why miss and opportunity with a hotter guy on another site if it's free? So anyway Bachelor #1 messaged me about two weeks ago on one of my other sites, we chatted for a bit and he invited me out for a drink. Really sweet guy, followed all of the rules, even texted me the day of the date to confirm. So on date night we are supposed to meet at my favorite pub. I was a hot mess struggling to get there on time, so after finally sucking it up and parallel parking and running in late, I couldn't find him! I wandered around for a bit and we finally locked eyes at the bar. He seemed nice. I think he was wearing a sweater, and he seemed nervous. He shook my hand which I love, I think its perfectly appropriate and awkward for an online date meet up. I'm pretty sure as we shook hands this was the point in which he introduced himself to me and told me his name, but I couldn't hear him, in fact I was waiting for him to stop talking so I could share with him my funny opening monologue about parallel parking.

Over-all the date was pretty OK. He never took his hat off which was kind of weird, and even though we had a lot of things to talk ab out, they were all related to TV or the media, nothing else. Although he does in fact live with his parents (wahhhh wahhh), he is an aspiring stand up comic. When I heard that I thought " JACKPOT, someone funny!" Here's the thing though, he never asked me any questions about myself. I was working my pretty little ass off on this date and he was too insecure to even share one of his jokes with me. Even though we like the same comedians and Comedy Central shows, it wasn't enough. Physically I wasn't attracted and he wasn't confident enough for me. We are both Cancers and one thing about Cancers is that you DO NOT date each other! We are needy and emotional and insecure; thats too much for one couple. I also didn't know how to read him either, I couldn't tell if he was into me or not. On the other hand I could see myself spending time with him as a friend and we could talk about TV I guess because it was literally that platonic of a connection.

We had been at the bar for over two hours and I was getting bored, so while Bachelor #1 was in the bathroom I texted my friend Becca and told her to call me with a faux emergency so I could head out. Let me explain. We all know by now that I'm passive! I actually didn't have the balls to just end the date. So Becca calls and I try my best to act like there is an emergency and I have to leave, but Bachelor #1 is not paying attention to my acting!!! He cant even hear me! So we keep chatting, uhhhhhh. Well after about 15 more mins of TV talk I decided to just say I had to get up early, funny thing is he had to get up earlier than me. I basically cant lie or get out of my dates with any grace. So he walked me to my car, and I gave him my standard “Thanks for the meet up, good game” hug and headed to Becca's.

While telling her about my OK date, Bachelor #1 texts me! WHAT! Its been an hour sir! The text said something along the lines of “I had great time, lets do something next week”. How sweet right? Well here is where many women get stuck. If I'm not as into this whole situation as he is then I shouldn't commit another date right? Well in true Whitney fashion I say “Sure sounds good. Had lotsa fun!”

Please let me explain myself. Even though I know in my plasma, yes plasma that this guy isn't the one, because I didn't feel butterflies, I still tell myself I should give it a try. For some reason I seem to think that the only way you can actually prove that a guy isn't the one for you is if you test it out and then it crashes and burns. I hate wondering “what if”. So as I'm passively committing to this second date my brain is saying, “Don't shy away girlfriend put yourself out there, you never know, it could be good!”.

This is foolish of me I know. I'm beginning to realize that if I guy is on an online dating site it is 9 times outta 10 because he is looking for a girlfriend, and not just a date buddy or a Miss. Right Now “activity partner”. The difference is that girls aren't necessarily looking for the same thing, and just because I agree for a second date doesn't mean that I am considering you as boyfriend material. I'm just looking at it as something to do for the night, and I also don't know how to tell you “No”.

So after agreeing to a second date with Bachelor #1 and feeling pretty unsettled about it, I decided I would deal with it another time. I was also dealing with Bachelor #2 who was another clingy puppy wanting to suck up all of my resources. So two days after confirming with Bachelor #1 about our second date I receive a text from him while I'm at my friend Shannon's 23^rd birthday bash. It read something like “hey do you wanna grab food on Wednesday and watch Elf?” I mean how fucking cute right!? I wanted to vomit my birthday booze up with guilt. I mean this guy was working it and here I am the asshole who has no intention of eating and Elf-ing and whatever else he had in mind. So I decide not to respond right away I mean I'm at a party I'll deal with it later, I'm getting my party on dammit and trying to meet guys!

You see a lot of girls do this shit! We say we'll text the boy we aren't into later and we never do and he keeps texting until he exhausts himself and then we look like immature bitches. You can bet that's just how I acted too! I cant change over night! Needless to say I never responded to Bachelor #1's weekend text and by Monday I had another text from him saying “so did you still want to hang out this week?”, and I didn't answer that one either, I know I'm horrible. In my mind had I a perfectly written message set up, where I would apologize and just say that right now isn't a good time, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. I think I might do that right now actually because he sent me another message today via our online dating site. He wont give up! You see our site is just as persistent as he is and it keeps sending me messages from him and about him convinced we are a good match! I just don't see it! I don't know. That fact that he is being so persistent makes me question if I made the right choice though. Is he a good match, I mean......No I don't think so? BUT WHAT IF? WHAT -THE FUCKING-IF? No, I need to just let him know what is up and move on to Bachelor #3. I'll get to #2 in another blog post because that saga is going to take some time.

It really blows my mind though that a guy can be so into you and not pick up on the fact that you may not b so into him. I mean obviously not being direct is my fault, but I'm a completely different person when I'm into someone, I'm giddy and smiley and obnoxious while still trying to act like Joan from Mad Men. Its crazy that in a society where women have power and can call the shots with men as equal players we do this in a stifling way. We play the passive roles and then only when we absolutely have to  we'll put on the big girl pants and do the dumping when we are in too deep. Then we become another Zooey Deschanel and no one wants to be “Summer” NO ONE. How can we successfully be direct yet sweet and have that be OK, and be OK with it ourselves. I would love to have Bachelor #1 in my life as a friend, but that's not what he wants. I want it all, I want the guys that aren't romantic matches to be friends and I want the guys who are romantic matches to get here already and give me my cool sensation kiss.

If I am going to do this Top 20 countdown right, I need to learn that telling someone you're not interested isn't the end of the world, I've had it happen to me and I survived and while I want every guy to like me and be my friend, they aren't dating me to be my BFF they want something different. I shouldn't waste either of our time by wanting to please. Bachelor #1 doesn't seem to want to give up, but maybe if I finally let him know whats up, he can move on and find himself a girl who is perfect for him. Dumping or whatever you want to call it should be looked at as a positive. Both parties can go and be free to continue the crazy journey that is dating or mating or whatever, we both can cross each other off on our Top 20 and move on. Maybe I'll acquire a Top 20 guy friend list from the casualties, too. Most likely I'm just going to acquire some good blog posts, which is fine with me. Two down eighteen to go.