About five minutes after I deleted Bachelor #2 from my phone, he answered back. Something like “my night was good, blahhh blahhh read a book blahhhhhh how was your night?” Well I was too exhausted from my own neurotic thoughts to deal with him now, so I just ignored it for the time being. As Tuesday approached Bachelor #2 was antsy to re-schedule our booty call movie night, and texted me about our new time. We decided on Saturday, I tried to squeeze him in with all my other shit going on party it up later that night too. I refuse to cancel plans with my friends for a guy I'm not into, he will just have to work around me. Yep I said it! As Saturday approached I was feeling like I wanted to vomit. Rushing home from community service (How saint-like am I?) I grabbed a bottle of wine and prepped the kitchen for our cake making. I needed more time! I needed to not be on this date.
Well he arrived at my place, and once again the fantasy of him was more exciting than the real thing. “Fuck now what am I gonna do?” I thought. Drink! That's always the answer, guzzle it, bottoms up. So we talked, well I talked and he gazed at me and pretended to be helpful with our baking. Then it was movie time, of course my DVD player decided to not work at this moment. After much awkward attempts to fix it, my buzzed self just said, "hey we can just talk". Great. After an hour of talking and rubbing knees with him and reading Cosmo with him (WTF Whitney?!) he went for the kiss. “Well OK” I thought to myself, I mean whatever let's just kiss then. It wasn't good. Even through my drunken haze (I was 3 glasses in at this point), I could tell it wasn't good. Bachleor #2 wasn't shy either, he went for tongue action and he let his hands wander. At that point I couldn't have cared less, he was harmless, let him wander my lady lumps. It was so uneventful though that I at one point had my eyes open and was listening to the heat turn on and off in my apartment. I mean c'mon! Well after about 30 mins I decided I was bored, and pushed him off in my nicest way possible. Guess what word vomit came out in order to ease the blow? “I really like you Bachelor #2”. Oh Jesus, no no no. Well he really liked me too. Cool. Do you wanna know what he said to me after that in an effort to explain his spontaneous make out? “I had to shut you up somehow”. What the FUCK did you just say?! No sir...just fucking no.
I knew I had to do something, so while I was shoving cake down his throat I message Laura to come save me from my own destruction! I may have worded my text to her in a fashion that was way to dramatic for the situation. All I knew is Bachelor #2 was going to want make session #2 in a moment and I wasn't going to have that. “Come get me now, call me!” I told her. So like a loyal friend she called my crazy ass and faked an emergency. He was understanding but blue balled. About 20 mins later after giving him cake and more tongue action AND letting him touch my butt (ughhhh him and his damn grabby hands) I was out the door on my way to Laura's to get ready for the nights festivities. Bachelor #2's car was literally pulling out of my parking lot as Laura's was pulling in to get me. I drunkenly texted Mark in a panic, telling him what happened and that Bachelor #2's mouth tasted like a machine, sticking its tongue in and out! Ugh! What had I done? Shit shit shit! This is so bad, now he's really into me, not to mention he wants me to come over and watch that stupid movie with him, oh boy. I drank some more and put the thought of it out of my mind and went out with my biddies.
Like clockwork Bachelor#2 texted me on Monday, wanting to reschedule our movie viewing. Luckily as he was texting me so was Bachelor #3! Yippee!! All wasn't lost, well not yet anyway.
So on Tuesday I headed over to Bachelor #2's place. It was the most difficult apartment to navigate and the asshole wouldn't even come out and help me. Finally finding the right door I was greeted with his man cave. It wasn't good folks, it was small and weird and had tissue boxes to hold his movies and all sorts of weird stuff, like a huge stuffed dog. Also let me point out there was a card on his fridge from his mom that implied his name was different than the one he gave me! (guurrrrllll)Yet again my fantasy of him was more exciting. As I stood there awkwardly he finally took my jacket and I sat down on his sunken couch to watch the movie. THIS MOVIE WAS HORRIBLE! It was called “Army of Darkness”, some zombie, comedy, action flick. Why? Of all the movies in the world, this is your favorite sir?
I was dying inside and starting to realize that I was acting like an asshole. Here I am sitting on a couch with a guy who likes me and shows me he likes me in the weirdest ways. He had some more pick up lines for me; “Lookin' good” and the classic “Come here” followed by his arm around me. God help me. As he held me and tried to use his best moves, I started to get really mad at myself. This sucks, this movie sucks I suck, I have to do something. I tried so many times to tell Bachelor #2 that it was over, and as the, minutes passed I just couldn't do it. People kept dying and turning into zombies in “Army of Darkness” and as I watched the carnage on the screen I felt like if I didn't do something now, that was going to be me. A zombie. I knew I wasn't going to sit with him on this couch for the rest of the night unhappy. He definitely wasn't getting any either after the movie. I sure as hell wasn't going to sit on that couch ever again and play the role of passive mixed messages girl with the huge rack either.
Something had to give, somehow I managed to get the words out after an hour there on that couch. It was hard, because I realized it was the first time I let a guy know that something wasn't working, or that HE wasn't working rather. It was about damn time too! I quietly asked him to pause the movie (I know I know!). I made up some lie about how I just got out of a bad relationship and I wasn't ready to date yet, and how I thought I was ready but its just bad timing and he was great and its not him. Bachelor #2 wads pretty upset to say the least."What do you want? What can I do?” he asked. “I just dont think I should be dating right now” I replied. It was better than the truth, because in all honestly he did nothing wrong, he just wasn't the guy for me. I had dug myself in the hole so I had to get out of it anyway I could. Pissed and confused Bachelor #2 handed me my plate the I let him borrow from the night before and showed me to the door. I gave him a “good game” hug and got the hell outta there. I felt horrible. I know what its like to be rejected and I never want to do that to someone, ugh! I headed over to Laura's for some perspective and tea, and the joined my other biddies at the pub for some much needed beer.
Its been a week since I broke things off with Bachelor #2 and I have to say I'm so relived. The other day I saw that he removed himself from the site, or he blocked me not sure which one. Guilt. Well, that's how it goes. See the thing is I expect myself to be reject by at least one guy during this whole online dating fiasco, and that's OK, its how the game is played, that's what you sign up for. There is no easy way to reject someone, that's why people don't do when they should, but I'm proud of myself for finally saying something, even though it should have happened after the first date. I realized now that most guys who online date in fact want girlfriends and that's not what I want (well at least I think I don't), and I need to state that from the get go before shit gets mushy. You live and you learn I guess, but at least I'm not one of those people in a relationship with someone they don't even like, but they stay because they're in too deep. Being able to crawl your way out is much better than not being able to see the sun anymore.
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