I think something is wrong with me and I'm not OK with it. What I mean is, even though I'm dating guys; in my heart I don't believe that any of them are the right ones for me. I think I go in knowing that they aren't. Why do I feel this way? I believe that when I meet Mr. Right Now it wont be planned and it wont be on a website. It will just ...be. This belief has led me down a weird path. Due to my passive nature and need to people please I often find myself still seeing the same guy for way too many dates longer than I should. I try to convince myself that maybe he'll be the one, and sparks will fly eventually, but I know what sparkshave felt like with past boys and it wasn't planned, it just happened.
My friends are jokingly writing me off as a lesbian, because of my theory that no guy can give me butterflies these days. Trust me if I was a lesbian, I would be out already, because I cant keep quiet about anything to save my life and this blog would be titled something like “Vajazzled”, and I would be going off on probably the same rant about how no girl has given me butterflies who I've dated so far on my lesbian online dating site. For a brief moment I thought, hey maybe I'm A-sexual, but in actuality I'm very sexual; I like to think of myself as Joan from Mad Men in my head.
So whats the problem? Just because I'm not head over heels for a guy I should still be able to enjoy a good make out session right? The thing is I usually can't, because I'm thinking to myself, this isn't doing it for me and I don't particularly like you so why am I wasting my lip gloss on this lip lock? Maybe that's it! Out of the handful of guys I've kissed this past year (yes handful, I talk a big game but I don't give it up easy. I wish I was easier, but men actually terrify me, they are like hungry beasts grrr!). Anyway, out of the handful of guys I've kissed in the past year I'd say maybe 1 ½ have given me a cool sensation. I cant make out for fun, I'm cursed. I cant have sex for fun because I take things way too seriously. I wish I didn't, but I don't think I can change this overnight. Do I even want to change, am I on to something? I just don't see how I can achieve my goal for this year with my weird head and heart problems. The truth is I'm an emotional mess. I thrive on emotions, I love to love and be loved, I love to feel warm and fuzzy I cant get enough of it. The problem is that my emotions have gotten me burned one too many times and I don't want to be hurt, I don't look good with tear streaks trust me.
My goal was to casually date a few guys while I have this year to spend in Rochester. I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want to belong to someone else or have to think about someone else when I do things. I don't want to give up going out with my friends for a guy, I don't want to worry about anniversaries and overnight bags, or futures. I just want a handful of guys to have fun with! Its like that Sex and the City quote; my girlfriends are my soul mates and men are just these great, nice guys to have fun with. That is perfection to me; but I'm so screwed because my head and my heart wont let me just be casual. My heart has to be smitten, my head needs the commitment, otherwise I feel nothing. Feeling nothing is just kissing with your eyes open and I did that this week on my date and it was not OK. Why am I so programmed? Why cant I be like everyone else? Some of you may be saying. “Whitney just fall for a guy, get all fuzzy, take the risk, love is great blahhh blahhh”. Well besides the fact that I don't want to be in love, because its too complicated. I also don't want to get married until I'm 30. So what does that mean for me? I don't plan on dating someone long term, its just not in the cards, and we have already established I'll meet my future husband at age 27. AHHHH I'm cursed.
Do I wanna have my cake and eat it too? Who doesn't. I love my life, I love running around and flirting and going out., but it does get lonely. Some of you may be saying “You just haven't met the right guy, it will be ok blahhh blahhhh”. You might be right. Maybe I'm just impatient, maybe I just want instant gratification when it really takes time, who knows. All I know is, its rough out there, dating is hard. I feel like I interact with guys who try to sell themselves to me, and make me believe they are gonna be the answer to my prayers, but there is always something missing. One guy has what the other doesnt, why cant I just build my own man?! Now I know why so many people watch shows about dating and why so many people stay in bad relationships. Well, I'm not going to quit on my goal. Maybe my new goal should be the search for the perfect kiss? Its gotta be out there somewhere in Rochester, and it doesn't have to be with someone I'm in love with or all that shit; I refuse to believe that. Maybe its with some random man, or some guy I alreadyknow. Who knows, but I wont stop until I get, my cool sensation kiss. After I get my cool sensation kiss I'm gonna go out to the club with my fr iends and whip my hair, and not worry about if this boy is the one or if he is gonna call or whatever. I'm supposed to kiss a lot of frogs right, so why cant I have my peppermint patty and eat it too?
No comments:
Post a Comment