A Little Help?

If a sassy blue genie could grant me any wish it would be one of two things. The first wish would be; the gift of teleportation! Yes my friends, all I want to do is teleport. Ever since I saw X-Men I just wanted to be a mutant who would could wear uncomfortable leather and appear everywhere. Teleportation is where it’s at.I seem to always be running late, but with my new found power; late no more! I could travel and visit my friends on Long Island whenever I want, no more traffic or bus tickets. Life would be magical, and much more organized.

Which brings me to my next wish; a personal assistant. OK please hear me out. I NEED one. I am such a hot mess, unorganized and doing too many things. I don’t think personal assistants should be reserved for celebrities or politicians, I think we all deserve one.

I explained my theory to Mark one day during lunch. Picture this, my assistant, (let's imagine that he is called Jake Gyllenhall, and looks like him too) wakes me up with exactly enough time to get ready. While I shower, Jake is carefully choosing my outfit for work, he knows what I like.  As I get dressed Jake is making me a delicious and hearty breakfast, while I eat that breakfast, Jake is packing me a healthy and satisfying lunch. I head off to work, and Jake is free to do whatever he wants with his day. As I get home I have much to do. While I’m at the gym I can count on Jake to organize my dating website messages by priority and re-string my guitar. I figure I can make my own dinner, I mean I’m not THAT lazy. Before I let Jake go home for the night, we perform our favorite ritual. I paint my nails while I dictate to him my replies back to my online men, and he types my blog posts for me. Oh so magical.

Mark looked disturbed at my fantasy and also compared my need for an assistant to me being 5 years old again and having parents. The thing is when I was younger I didn’t want an assistant or parents. I was an independent sassy teen! I could handle my shit, to some degree. Now that I’m in my twenties I need help! In actuality when I look at my life there is too much to do, I need someone to help me schedule my dates and my hang out time with friends. I need an assistant to remind me to study for my LSAT. I need Jake Gyllenhall to remind me to pay my bills, go grocery shopping and buy gas and wine.

Some of you may be saying, “It’s called being an adult”. Whatever! There are plenty of adults who have people do everything for them. If Mariah Carey can have someone put on her damn lip-gloss and bedazzle her microphones for her then I should have someone help me stay organized as well. Right?! We all should. Mark brought up a good point though. Who will care for the assistants? He had me stumped. Who would care for Jake Gyllenhall and his tired soul? I could provide him with my humor and a pat on the back I guess, and I’m sure we would become BFFs, which would be cool.

After a while though it may get tiring for both of us. The thrill of having an assistant would ware off I suppose, and we would eventually have to part ways. Sending Jake Gyllenhall off into the sunset was probably best for both of us in the end.

This is just my fantasy speaking, in reality I would probably freak out at my assistant and tell him to stop following me, or something crazy (most likely induce by being on my period).

Its better to do things on your own in the long run, as frustrating as it may be sometimes. It allows us to be more prepared for when we have children and they suck the life out of us. I guess Beyonce was right. Independence is good, but having an entourage and a glam squad sounds amazing also. (ahem.... right Beyonce?).

For now it’s just me, myself and I, managing my own life. Which is the way it will stay. So if I’m late or forgot something or not on top of my shit one day. You know whom to blame. Blame than damn genie for not existing and blame that damn Jake Gyllenhall, they really need to get it together.