Fleeting Thought #2

 Can we just briefly discuss the fact that Bachelor #3 continues to visit my OK Cupid profile even after he treated me horribly on our date. I don't want to keep seeing you pop up on my visitors list. What more do you need to see sir? I'll carry the cross of the single woman but I will not allow you to look at my hotness online. Walk away.

A Little Help?

If a sassy blue genie could grant me any wish it would be one of two things. The first wish would be; the gift of teleportation! Yes my friends, all I want to do is teleport. Ever since I saw X-Men I just wanted to be a mutant who would could wear uncomfortable leather and appear everywhere. Teleportation is where it’s at.I seem to always be running late, but with my new found power; late no more! I could travel and visit my friends on Long Island whenever I want, no more traffic or bus tickets. Life would be magical, and much more organized.

Which brings me to my next wish; a personal assistant. OK please hear me out. I NEED one. I am such a hot mess, unorganized and doing too many things. I don’t think personal assistants should be reserved for celebrities or politicians, I think we all deserve one.

I explained my theory to Mark one day during lunch. Picture this, my assistant, (let's imagine that he is called Jake Gyllenhall, and looks like him too) wakes me up with exactly enough time to get ready. While I shower, Jake is carefully choosing my outfit for work, he knows what I like.  As I get dressed Jake is making me a delicious and hearty breakfast, while I eat that breakfast, Jake is packing me a healthy and satisfying lunch. I head off to work, and Jake is free to do whatever he wants with his day. As I get home I have much to do. While I’m at the gym I can count on Jake to organize my dating website messages by priority and re-string my guitar. I figure I can make my own dinner, I mean I’m not THAT lazy. Before I let Jake go home for the night, we perform our favorite ritual. I paint my nails while I dictate to him my replies back to my online men, and he types my blog posts for me. Oh so magical.

Mark looked disturbed at my fantasy and also compared my need for an assistant to me being 5 years old again and having parents. The thing is when I was younger I didn’t want an assistant or parents. I was an independent sassy teen! I could handle my shit, to some degree. Now that I’m in my twenties I need help! In actuality when I look at my life there is too much to do, I need someone to help me schedule my dates and my hang out time with friends. I need an assistant to remind me to study for my LSAT. I need Jake Gyllenhall to remind me to pay my bills, go grocery shopping and buy gas and wine.

Some of you may be saying, “It’s called being an adult”. Whatever! There are plenty of adults who have people do everything for them. If Mariah Carey can have someone put on her damn lip-gloss and bedazzle her microphones for her then I should have someone help me stay organized as well. Right?! We all should. Mark brought up a good point though. Who will care for the assistants? He had me stumped. Who would care for Jake Gyllenhall and his tired soul? I could provide him with my humor and a pat on the back I guess, and I’m sure we would become BFFs, which would be cool.

After a while though it may get tiring for both of us. The thrill of having an assistant would ware off I suppose, and we would eventually have to part ways. Sending Jake Gyllenhall off into the sunset was probably best for both of us in the end.

This is just my fantasy speaking, in reality I would probably freak out at my assistant and tell him to stop following me, or something crazy (most likely induce by being on my period).

Its better to do things on your own in the long run, as frustrating as it may be sometimes. It allows us to be more prepared for when we have children and they suck the life out of us. I guess Beyonce was right. Independence is good, but having an entourage and a glam squad sounds amazing also. (ahem.... right Beyonce?).

For now it’s just me, myself and I, managing my own life. Which is the way it will stay. So if I’m late or forgot something or not on top of my shit one day. You know whom to blame. Blame than damn genie for not existing and blame that damn Jake Gyllenhall, they really need to get it together.

Great Expectations ACT II

I was nervous to text Bachelor #3 after the weekend. I didn't want to look like a hungry beggar impatient for our eventual meet up, but the suspense was killing me. It had been three weeks already! So I sucked it up, and casually asked him how his holiday was. Let me just say this. I love Jewish men. Like obsessed. I promise you I'm working on a blog post dedicated to the Jewish man. I could go on and on about Jewish men and their sexiness.

I didn't sense that Bachelor #3 was Jewish and we hadn't talked about religion, so you can imagine my surprise when he answered my text saying something like this. “Left the holiday to the gentiles and spent Saturday tearing apart my bathroom floor”. O-M-G. YESSSS!!!!. A sexy Jewish man who knows how to do handy work! Could this get any better? No but it could get weirder.

Trying to plan “grabbing a drink” with Bachelor #3 reminds me of bad sex with someone you shouldn't be having sex with. You are kind of into it and its too late to back out now, maybe it will all be worth it in the end, but just as you are about to go down on him he kicks you in the face 40 Year Old Virgin style.

More warning signs started to appear. Bachelor #3 told me that he could meet me for a drink “probs Wednesday”. Um OK. “Probs?”He also notified me that he was putting tile down on his floors Tuesday but if he finished early he would give me a call. He must have known that he kind of sounded like an unorganized dick because then he threw in “hopefully we can get together Tuesday, sooner rather than later :-)”. Damn you and your tricks #3! He was turning all kinds of tricks on me. His smiley face bullshit made everything right with me, and I was once again giddy with excitement for our date. Well Tuesday arrived and in my beautiful dark twisted fantasy I imagined Bachelor #3 texting me in the afternoon letting me know that he had in fact finished his tiles and we could finally meet. Left waiting in suspense all day I decided to go shopping (Yay Christmas money) and run errands (yay food stamps).

As 4pm rolled around I realized that he wasn't going to call, even if he had finished the “tiles” he wasn't going to call. This is when I had Beyonce moment. You know her song “Ring the Alarm” where she is pissed and not about to be disrespected by some man.. We the fucking alarm was ringing going off my head. I finally got it! If he was into me, he wouldn't care about tiles, I'm not the highlight of his night, no matter how many smiley faces he sends. I got it, the rules saved me yet again. Lets remember that I messaged him first. During my drunken haze I thought it would be a good idea, I felt strong and empowered and fierce and now I'm was waiting around like a powerless child.

We weren't even that compatible on the site, our percentages were all off. What was the point of this anymore? My rage lasted for quite some time, I was more mad at myself for getting mixed up with the classic jerk who was just not that into me. As I ate ice cream and drank my wine, my rage subsided. I told myself that I would just go on this stupid date on Wednesday and get it over with. Part of me wanted him to just not call me at all. Good riddance. I was so over this already before it had even started.

Wednesday afternoon after lunch I turned my phone on to find a voice mail from Bachelor #3. It was just mumbling and awkwardness. “Hey this is Bachelor #3 from OK Cupid, we've been talking and texting and I want to keep talking you and calling. Um did you wanna still meet today, yeah could we do it like later tonight or something. Call me back”. Um what was that? Even more annoyed with his games I called him back. I have to hand it to him though he did attempt to have a conversation with me, but I wasn't having it. I wasn't above providing one word answers to his lame questions about how I was doing and how  work was going, and blahhh blahhh. He gave me another line of bullshit “So um would you wanna meet maybe a little later for drinks, I mean 7 is early and I have this dinner thing and yeah. What about like 8 or 9, or is that past your bed time?” Wait, I'm sorry. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME? Past my bed time asshole? Hell to the no.

I was done I was so done! Ugh! He said he would call me at 8 and we could just meet up then. I was so pissed oh so pissed. I just wanted to be done with this, guy, I even considered calling him back and saying “Don't even fucking bother” but something in my head said “Just meet him and see what he's like, you may get a blog out of it, maybe he isn't an asshole”. I vented to Mark and Laura the whole walk to the car. Both of them were not pleased at all. I mean if I was a friend of mine and was hearing this story I would be ashamed, and judging!

I decided that I wasn't just going to sit around after work until he called me to meet him like a Call Girl Lap Dog. I wanted to see The Black Swan with my girl Laura and she had a good idea that would help me regain some power in this whole thing. “Just text him and say you are in a movie and will be out at 8:30ish then you can just meet him wherever”. She is so smart. That's exactly what I did. So after sitting through the production that is the Black Swan and getting freaked out and introspective (that movie is like a bad yet fulfilling drug trip), I checked my phone and sure enough there was text from Bachelor #3 telling me where to meet him.

This bar was so weird and kinda gross. I got there and couldn't see a thing in the darkness of this place. I had a seat at the bar, order a drink, and I waited, and waited. I waited for him for 20 mins! Nothing could go right! I just wanted to get out alive, but every time I tried #3 had more games and surprises up his sleeve.  I wanted just leave at this point but I had come too far. While I waited, I played trivia with the cute host, and I'm pretty sure the guy who kept staring at me across the bar was the same guy who had messaged me earlier that week on my Plenty Of Fish dating site. Weird.

25 mins later his ass shows up holding his mail and his Netflix envelope. He was also on his way to the mail box?! I literally was just a stop along the way.

Bachelor #3 was all over the place, he wasn't as confident and he was just turning me off. That sweet smile from his pictures was nowhere to be found. It was like a creepy grin now. The trivia guy was shouting into the mic, and it was actually impossible to hear anything. We tried to move over to the pool table and chat, so awkward. We tried to play pool, but the table was broken. We eventually relocated back over to the bar amongst the yelling trivia host and the drunken contestants.

The conversation wasn't awkward but I don't think either one of us cared about what the other person was saying. I didn't get why he did certain things, and some his life choices made no sense to me. I could tell he was trying, but I had been done with him yesterday.

Let me just say this, he finally arrived at 9pm and at 9:26 he checked his phone and then informed me that he had to go to a movie at 10pm! Which movie you might ask? Jackass in 3D, obviously. We went on a 26 min date before he dismissed me. He made some excuse about things being so crazy this week because of the holidays. “Aren't you Jewish?” I asked him, yeah you are. Dude, if your college friends are home for the week, then deal with them, don't try to squeeze me into your shitty schedule. Yet he still wanted to walk me the 10 feet to my car and give me a “good game” hug. Was he kidding!? I was just in shock and at this point and mildly amused.

Well that was that, I got in my car and headed home. I got online to check my usual messages and was pleased to find a confirmation from Bachelor #4 regarding our date for the next night. Feeling rejected and annoyed I decided to look on my OK Cupid page and see which guys had visited it today. Guess who visited my page at 8:46pm while I was waiting for him in a shitty bar? Yep Bachelor #3 was skimming my profile before he met me because he obviously forgot everything about me. Wow, like just WOW.

Fortunately I laugh at this now, because how can you not?!  I look at it as my karma for treating Bachelor #2 badly. I mean this guy is who he is and he's not for me. I don't necessarily regret meeting him, I need to learn how to deal with guys who aren't so great, I need to learn to see the signs of a scoundrel earlier. Its a part of life. This is why online dating is great, you can just move on after a dud. Needless to say I don't have great expectations of him contacting me again, and his number has already been deleted from my phone.

Just remember ladies, if you even think for a moment that he might be a player; he is and he's been playing you from the introduction. Game-set-match.

Great Expectations, ACT I

Authors Note: This blog was written 12/28/10 posted tonight after the horrible date

I thought about calling this post “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” but I didn't want Kanye to sue me. I'm beginning to realize that I have a crazy mind. I think about the weirdest stuff. I guess that's what makes me entertaining. The truth is we all like to fantasize and many girls like to fantasize about people they are attracted to right? This can get you into trouble. When you think a guy is a potential for you, he usually is the opposite. This is what I just learned.

While talking to my friend Seth about Bachelor #3 and our date tomorrow he told me. “Whitney, you like the wrong guys”. He's right I do. I don't mean to, I mean in my beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy they are awesome.  When an asshole sets his sites on me, I embrace him as the nice cute guy. The guy that's been missing.  This exactly what is happening with #3. I'm blinded by his smiley faces in his texts and his laid back approach to actually making an effort. I tell myself his laid back attitude when planning our date was refreshing and maybe that's a good thing. I'm smarter than this people, I know that these are signs, but yet I'm so tempted, oh so tempted.

I'm worried that I've fallen into the spider web of "The Player" again. I didn't mean to at all, but Bachelor #3 might be giving the signals to stay away. How do you know when a man is a player? Bachelor #3 seems like the right guy for me, but some would say otherwise. There have been a series of events though that lead me to believe that our communication thus far has just been a weird series of events and mishaps. Let me explain.

I started to suspect that Bachelor #3 might be playing me/ or perhaps just not that into me when he decided to play by his own rules. We had been messaging for a few days and I was so pumped when he asked me out for a drink, I mean he seemed so nice and funny and genuinely interested in me, such a change from Bachelors #1 and #2. Alas there was a catch to our date! I had to wait til the following week to meet because he was going to be out of town that week. OK OK that's cool, disappointed but still excited, I bounced back. He even gave me his number just in case I wanted to text him while he was away. Um no sweetie. I quickly fired back by coyly (ughh "coy" is barf worthy)  giving him my number and said to myself, if he wants to talk to me while he is off doing w/e in NYC, he'll talk to me. I had all week to fantasize about our upcoming date and his sexiness, I was feeling lots of Zsa Zsa Zou! Ooo!

The Monday after he got back I found a nice little message in my inbox, from Bachelor #3 about our long awaited meet up. My phone died right before he could ask me out! WHY? Or as Lady Gaga would say in the beginning of “Speechless” HOOOOOWWWWWWW?? Since my phone was dead I was powerless, so I decided to just let things be, go to the gym and charge my phone when I got home. Upon charging the damned Android I received his invite for drinks. After apologizing,blaming technology and letting him know I was in fact free, I was ready for more chit chat. But now our timing was all off, he responded after an hour and said he would just call me Wednesday and we could play it by ear. “Play it by ear?!” Play it by ear? No no no. I like structure, lets pick a time and a place and I'll be there in my cutest first date outfit. You cant just call a girl the day of a date to discuss details! Hmph!

Well Wednesday rolled around and let me tell you I was a HOT MESS. The night before was the execution of Bachelor #2 and also a night of fried foods and drinking. I was a rag-a-muffin and a HALF with a running nose and work to do. I was NOT in the mood to wait for Bachelor #3 to call me whenever he felt like it during the day of our date to discuss details, hellz nah. I texted him asking if we could reschedule sighting all my reasons, trying to let him know that I was really excited to meet him. Bachelor #3 seemed cool with it and even threw a cute line “I have a cold, so I'd rather meet you when I'm feeling better :-)” GURL! I ate that shit up! Fucking gobbled it up! I told all my friends! They thought is was the cutest thing too. You men are so slick. I agreed to contact him when I got back to Rochester after the holiday so we could finally get this date underway. So on Monday I did just that.

Authors note: This is a two part blog because I just came back from my date with Bachelor #3 and I feel that due to the change in my opinions of him, I need to completely start fresh with a second act.

Fleeting Thoughts

I realized I have these fleeting thoughts, a spark of genius, or so I think. That enters my brain and then leaves. It’s more like a one –liner joke, that I usually end up sharing with my friends; they chuckle and I move on to the next thought. I can’t help but wonder though, if people think the same things I do. So as a new segment I will be posting fleeting thoughts from time to time, just my random inquiries about the world. I hope you enjoy.

Fleeting thought #1

I think I might start incorporating “That’s what HE said” into my daily vocabulary. The “That’s what she said” trend just wont fucking die and I think that girls should be able to have fun with the phrase as well. I mean boys have sexual desires too right? So why wouldn’t they want some one to “give it to them hard” or “leave them satisfied”? Instead of ignoring the male libido and putting all the focus on women being manipulated, let's try something new. If I have to listen to “That’s what she said” (don’t get me wrong some are mildly amusing) then I want to be an equal opportunity offender! I’m going to switch it up, or am I coming on too strong? That’s what he said!

Parting is Such Sweet Progress Part II

About five minutes after I deleted Bachelor #2 from my phone, he answered back. Something like “my night was good, blahhh blahhh read a book blahhhhhh how was your night?” Well I was too exhausted from my own neurotic thoughts to deal with him now, so I just ignored it for the time being. As Tuesday approached Bachelor #2 was antsy to re-schedule our booty call movie night, and texted me about our new time. We decided on Saturday, I tried to squeeze him in with all my other shit going on party it up later that night too. I refuse to cancel plans with my friends for a guy I'm not into, he will just have to work around me. Yep I said it! As Saturday approached I was feeling like I wanted to vomit. Rushing home from community service (How saint-like am I?) I grabbed a bottle of wine and prepped the kitchen for our cake making. I needed more time! I needed to not be on this date.

Well he arrived at my place, and once again the fantasy of him was more exciting than the real thing. “Fuck now what am I gonna do?” I thought. Drink! That's always the answer, guzzle it, bottoms up. So we talked, well I talked and he gazed at me and pretended to be helpful with our baking. Then it was movie time, of course my DVD player decided to not work at this moment. After much awkward attempts to fix it, my buzzed self just said, "hey we can just talk". Great. After an hour of talking and rubbing knees with him and reading Cosmo with him (WTF Whitney?!) he went for the kiss. “Well OK” I thought to myself, I mean whatever let's just kiss then. It wasn't good. Even through my drunken haze (I was 3 glasses in at this point), I could tell it wasn't good. Bachleor #2 wasn't shy either, he went for tongue action and he let his hands wander. At that point I couldn't have cared less, he was harmless, let him wander my lady lumps. It was so uneventful though that I at one point had my eyes open and was listening to the heat turn on and off in my apartment. I mean c'mon! Well after about 30 mins I decided I was bored, and pushed him off in my nicest way possible. Guess what word vomit came out in order to ease the blow? “I really like you Bachelor #2”. Oh Jesus, no no no. Well he really liked me too. Cool. Do you wanna know what he said to me after that in an effort to explain his spontaneous make out? “I had to shut you up somehow”. What the FUCK did you just say?! No sir...just fucking no.

I knew I had to do something, so while I was shoving cake down his throat I message Laura to come save me from my own destruction! I may have worded my text to her in a fashion that was way to dramatic for the situation. All I knew is Bachelor #2 was going to want make session #2 in a moment and I wasn't going to have that. “Come get me now, call me!” I told her. So like a loyal friend she called my crazy ass and faked an emergency. He was understanding but blue balled. About 20 mins later after giving him cake and more tongue action AND letting him touch my butt (ughhhh him and his damn grabby hands) I was out the door on my way to Laura's to get ready for the nights festivities. Bachelor #2's car was literally pulling out of my parking lot as Laura's was pulling in to get me. I drunkenly texted Mark in a panic, telling him what happened and that Bachelor #2's mouth tasted like a machine, sticking its tongue in and out! Ugh! What had I done? Shit shit shit! This is so bad, now he's really into me, not to mention he wants me to come over and watch that stupid movie with him, oh boy. I drank some more and put the thought of it out of my mind and went out with my biddies.

Like clockwork Bachelor#2 texted me on Monday, wanting to reschedule our movie viewing. Luckily as he was texting me so was Bachelor #3! Yippee!! All wasn't lost, well not yet anyway.

So on Tuesday I headed over to Bachelor #2's place. It was the most difficult apartment to navigate and the asshole wouldn't even come out and help me. Finally finding the right door I was greeted with his man cave. It wasn't good folks, it was small and weird and had tissue boxes to hold his movies and all sorts of weird stuff, like a huge stuffed dog. Also let me point out there was a card on his fridge from his mom that implied his name was different than the one he gave me! (guurrrrllll)Yet again my fantasy of him was more exciting. As I stood there awkwardly he finally took my jacket and I sat down on his sunken couch to watch the movie. THIS MOVIE WAS HORRIBLE! It was called “Army of Darkness”, some zombie, comedy, action flick. Why? Of all the movies in the world, this is your favorite sir?

I was dying inside and starting to realize that I was acting like an asshole. Here I am sitting on a couch with a guy who likes me and shows me he likes me in the weirdest ways. He had some more pick up lines for me; “Lookin' good” and the classic “Come here” followed by his arm around me. God help me. As he held me and tried to use his best moves, I started to get really mad at myself. This sucks, this movie sucks I suck, I have to do something. I tried so many times to tell Bachelor #2 that it was over, and as the, minutes passed I just couldn't do it. People kept dying and turning into zombies in “Army of Darkness” and as I watched the carnage on the screen I felt like if I didn't do something now, that was going to be me. A zombie. I knew I wasn't going to sit with him on this couch for the rest of the night unhappy. He definitely wasn't getting any either after the movie. I sure as hell wasn't going to sit on that couch ever again and play the role of passive mixed messages girl with the huge rack either.

Something had to give, somehow I managed to get the words out after an hour there on that couch. It was hard, because I realized it was the first time I let a guy know that something wasn't working, or that HE wasn't working rather. It was about damn time too! I quietly asked him to pause the movie (I know I know!). I made up some lie about how I just got out of a bad relationship and I wasn't ready to date yet, and how I thought I was ready but its just bad timing and he was great and its not him. Bachelor #2 wads pretty upset to say the least."What do you want? What can I do?” he asked. “I just dont think I should be dating right now” I replied. It was better than the truth, because in all honestly he did nothing wrong, he just wasn't the guy for me. I had dug myself in the hole so I had to get out of it anyway I could. Pissed and confused Bachelor #2 handed me my plate the I let him borrow from the night before and showed me to the door. I gave him a “good game” hug and got the hell outta there. I felt horrible. I know what its like to be rejected and I never want to do that to someone, ugh! I headed over to Laura's for some perspective and tea, and the joined my other biddies at the pub for some much needed beer.

Its been a week since I broke things off with Bachelor #2 and I have to say I'm so relived. The other day I saw that he removed himself from the site, or he blocked me not sure which one. Guilt. Well, that's how it goes. See the thing is I expect myself to be reject by at least one guy during this whole online dating fiasco, and that's OK, its how the game is played, that's what you sign up for. There is no easy way to reject someone, that's why people don't do when they should, but I'm proud of myself for finally saying something, even though it should have happened after the first date. I realized now that most guys who online date in fact want girlfriends and that's not what I want (well at least I think I don't), and I need to state that from the get go before shit gets mushy. You live and you learn I guess, but at least I'm not one of those people in a relationship with someone they don't even like, but they stay because they're in too deep. Being able to crawl your way out is much better than not being able to see the sun anymore.

Parting is Such Sweet Progress Part I

I was finally straightforward with a guy! Well, after a few weeks of indirectness and drunken second base, but I did it! This is the story of Bachelor #2 and the day I finally stood up for my rights as a twenty something dating woman, well sorta. Bachelor #2 is a great person; a classic “nice guy” kinda nerdy though, and a little sexist. Its funny that he was so sexist because I'm pretty sure if I had slept with him he would have had NO IDEA what he was doing anyway. Yeahhh. Needless to say he was NOT the guy for me. Lets go back to the day we first started messaging.....Cue flashback sequence?

I met Bachelor #2 on one of my dating websites. As per usual we both received a message that we had rated each other with high marks. I don't know what it was about this kid that drew me to him; he was scruffy with a beard and Jew-Fro (yum) and I guess I was simply intrigued. His profile he seemed so edgy and funny and too cool for school, so on a Sunday night after having a particularly shitty afternoon; (my car was being a sassy bitch and stooped working, resulting in my walking home from the auto shop and almost getting molested by a homeless man) the chase began. While sitting at home drinking my wine and nibbling on my peppermint patty I got a message from Bachelor #2. We chatted for a few hours that night about this and that. I have to admit I found him interesting, his responses to my standard getting to know you questions were unique, but I didn't feel the Zsa Zsa Zoo just yet. The Zsa Zsa Zoo as Sex and the City so accurately describes it; is the “I gotta have ya” quality, the come hither. The “I think bout your penis and how awesome its gonna be”. Its the John Mayer, Ingrid Michelson lyrics that now narrate your fantasy about how it will all fall apart in the end anyway and you still gotta a have it! After about an hour of chit chat something inside of my head told me to just stop beating around the bush and ask him if he wanted to grab coffee some night. I was itching for another date and I wanted to just go full speed ahead with anyone.  He gave me his number so we could talk more without the website. NICE TRY BOY. The “rules” state that I should be pursued. So in response I gave him my number as well, I wasn't about to text him first. Hellz Nah. I I told myself if he wanted to keep talking to me he would, and low and behold 15mins later I got a text from him. We picked a cafe to meet up at that Wednesday. I was excited because I couldn't decide how to read him .

Date night arrived and I put on my cutest little cardigan and headed to the little indie cafe down the street. Its always so damn nerve racking meeting an online person for the first time. I like to pump myself up by listening to Ke$ha in the car, gotta get in the zone. Let me just say this; the guys never look like how they do in their pictures, its just the way it is. Bachelor #2 was already there waiting for me at a table in the back. As soon as I saw him and started talking to him I realized that this guy wasn't what I was expecting. He was super sweet which is cool, but I could read the insecurity all over his face and he also wasn't as warm as I thought he was going to be. He definitely didn't have a sense of humor (bad sign), but he paid for my wine (score!). Something just wasn't connecting; I was mildly attracted to him at best and he lacked a certain swagger that was essential in my opinion.

After chatting for good amount of time, I thought our date would be over. Usually these thing only last an hour, maybe two and you decide if the date was a success or not and plan a second date or you move on and give the other person a “good game” hug without the possibility of another round. Just as soon as I was anticipating the end of our coffee talk, he asked me to grab dinner with him. W-W-WHAT? “Sure” I responded, I mean whatever, what else was I gonna do sit at home? Maybe there was more to this guy than I thought.

So we walked and talked and I found out that we had a lot in common. Yet again I felt like I was working my ass off to entertain this guy, it wasn't easy or comfortable. I mean I'm probably expecting too much for a first date, but I don't think I am. When you know you have good chemistry with someone, you can feel it, and I wasn't feeling it just yet. We had dinner in this cute little cafe, the only problem was that I had eaten dinner before so I looked like a little bitch with my small soup cup. I hate those women who don't eat in front of guys, ughhh! I was getting antsy and ready to go at this point, I'm not sure why, I just wanted to get home or see my friends or relax! Bachelor #2 made me nervous, and uncomfortable because he kept undressing me with his eyes. Watching my body as I sat down, taking long pauses in the conversation to compliment me on my "pretty eyes" and blahhh blahhh. Dude don't do that shit, its awkward! I don't like it. Pick up lines aren't my style, show me you're into to me with your actions and respect not your one-liners.

As we talked about music and whatever else I could think of to bring up, I sipped my soup and I noticed a table of guys next to us who looked like they were having the best time EVER! Laughing drinking and and loving life. I wanted to be over that their table SO BAD. I'm a sucker for “the fun guy”. I LOVE my guy friends, yes you can actually be friends with a guy. They are such hot messes and hilarious, I love it. I find men to be so interesting, and a few of them were cute too. Well after about 45 minutes of dinner tango we left the restaurant, only after I insisted that I pay for my damn soup myself. Thank you for wanting to pay but you're not my boyfriend and I can't handle that “let me pay” shit, the whole “who's going to pay” thing is just awkward all around. We walked back to my car and chatted about all sorts of things, he was kind of funny and I think he got my style of comedy. As we got closer to Betsy (that's my cars name) I started to feel nervous. OMG is he going to kiss me!? Ahhhhh I dunno if I want him to, is he going to ask me out for a second date? Well he indeed asked me out again. Sounds good to me I guess. It was an OK date and of course I can never say no. Why not grab dinner with the guy. I had a better feeling with him than I did with Bachelor #1 anyway. So we parted ways and I headed over to Beccah's apartment to watch Mad Men (LOVE) with her and Laura and discuss the date.

Well the following Tuesday ol' Bachelor #2 did indeed text me. I cant decide if I prefer a guy who talks with his lady during the week via text or only talks with her when planning the next activity. I appreciated Bachelor #1's attentive texting, but at the same time I don't have time for that. It takes me forever to respond anyway because I over analyze, what else is new. Yet I would still like a guy who I'm seeing to remind me of how awesome I am occasionally with a little texting (I'm a mess).

So anyway, Tuesday while watching GLEE at Mark's with the gang, Bachelor #2 and I set a date for that Thursday at this Mexican restaurant I had told him about (I was impressed he had remembered me talking about it). Thursday rolled around and I told myself that this date would make or break it. If it was good then ...well good. If it was bad well...peace out #2. I put on my sassiest yet casual 2^nd date outfit, and headed out. I got there first this time. I felt like such a dork waiting for him. Dating is really weird when you think about little details like who waits for who. My favorite waiter was surprised when I told him it would be two this time (mmm hmm embarrassing). Bachelor #2 got there on time and I gave him a hug for good measure before we sat down.

As soon as the date started my heart sunk “I'm just NOT feeling it!” I thought to myself. I just couldn't get into him at all. We strangely talked about weed for most of our date , and what we were doing that weekend (so weird) . He yet again did the whole “let me stare at you, you piece of meat and make comments about how you make blood rush to my penis”. My personal favorite of the night “no need to rush, we've got time” followed by lingering stare. JESUS DUDE! I actually looked away from him and stared off into space. I find that compliments actually force me to not make eye contact (I'm sure its something from my child hood, but we''ll discuss another time).

Well since this date was a bust in my mind I decided to use my back up escape plan. Beccah was having a girls night at her house so I told him in my nicest, most adorable way that I had plans that I couldn't get out of. His face dropped in disappointment. OH SHIT motherfucker-fuck-shit I felt so bad! My phobia of being the mean girl over came me! Then I so cleverly said “How about you come over Saturday and um, we could make that cake I was telling you about and we could watch a movie?” WHAT THE HELL WHITNEY!!! Why would you say that??? I want to please, I dont want to disappoint! (issues clearly). I'll tell you one thing though, the man who actually does deserve me is very lucky, he will always be satisfied.

Bachelor #2's face lit back up at the sound of my third date option, all hope was restored within our twisted dating universe. I had no idea what inviting a guy over to your house on the third date meant. Actually, yes I did know what it meant, but I was hoping he didn't think it was that kind of third date. Then on the other had, I still kept telling myself “hey girl just make out with him or sleep with him, maybe that's where all the chemistry is hiding, in his member!” and I answered back “OMG brain you're so right! That's what needs to happen! High five”. At Beccah's I told the ladies about our next date and how I had screwed myself over. They were looking at me with concerned expressions as they should. “Why are you inviting some guy you don't even like over to your apartment?”.  They were right right, but it was too late to back out now....or was it?

Laura informed me that a girls night was in order for Saturday, well hell if I'm gonna miss girls night for this damn date! FUCK THAT! So Saturday morning I texted Bachelor #2, asking if we could re-schedule movie night. I could hear the disappointment in his text....yes...hear . I shook it off though and got ready to party. During our pre-game at my apartment, I decided to have a little fun with my “OK Cupid” dating page and message a guy who I thought was unbelievably cute, this was the first time I had messaged a guy, but I was feeling drunk and sassy, and thought “why the hell not, go girl!”. This guy happens to be Bachelor #3.

Going out with my friends was the right choice, I was wasted and whipping my hair and we were all fabulous and single and loving life. I remember a brief interlude at some guys apartment where we watched him sing karaoke and pole dance. Somehow I gave him my number as well. Hmmm. I decided that in order to make things right with Bachelor #2 I would put a brilliant new plan into place. I decided I would text him that night while I was drunk and have him come over to my house for a romp session. GENIUS RIGHT. (Jesus Christ I don't know why I think these things are OK). Since I was dying to just kiss him or have sex with him or SOMETHING to see if he was really the right match for me. Maybe all of our chemistry was hiding under our clothes.

Since I was too drunk to even hold my phone my loyal and true friend Shannon typed the text and we brainstormed something along the lines of “Sorry I missed movie night, hope you had a good night”. Cute right? The next morning I woke up to my phone being attacked with messages from pole dancer guy but none from Bachelor #2. Well then.

While sitting in my favorite coffee shop (aka Breugers with free WiFi) Sunday afternoon, I realized it had been about approx 11hrs since my drunk text (but who's counting) and Bachelor #2 had yet to respond. At that moment I thought to myself “Why am I even still worrying about this bullshit, if he wanted to answerer my text he would have, his ass is awake!”. I deleted his number from my phone. So long Bachelor Number Two, I'm over it. It was interesting, to say the least. These boobs aren't yours to oggle anymore. I was Free Free Free!...Or so I thought.

Next Time on “And I Cant Help But Wonder”..... Will Whitney end things once and for all with #2 or will she continue to see him until it is unbearable? Find out on the next post!

I'm your Venus

My friends can tell you, there are a few things that I LOVE. 1) ridiculous situations 2) wine and 3) THICK BODIES! I like my men thick. I love the rugby, football player style body, a little gut is fine with me too. I love broad shoulders and a substantial fit torso, but no six packs please. Six packs I find to be shallow. Don't spend all of your time in the gym fellas, you can be active other ways, just toss a ball around a bit, that's all you need. Why do I love a thick bodied man? Not sure, but I think its because there is more to grab on to, more to play with. I love feeling the solidness of a guy. I LOVE the male thigh; the meatier the better. Please, gimmie a turkey leg, yummy. Now nothing against the slender fellows; the majority of my female friends prefer a skinny guy. I'm sorry but I don't want a skeleton on top of me boning me (get it!).

I'm a fan of thick bodied people in general. I love curves and wish more people embraced their own. I got my boobs at age 10, and they just kept growing and growing and growing. I used to be so ashamed of my curves as a teenager because no one else had them and it was such a big deal. It was always "Whitney and her boobs", they had their own comedy act basically, I felt like such a freak amongst the small chested, and I also felt like the enemy. My mom was always causing drama about my shirts and what I wore. I think she just didn't want a slutty playboy daughter; and in her mind I was portraying the role of a black Pam Anderson. This caused me to have ridiculous insecurities for many years. I used to want to be a skinny model type so badly that it was all I thought about, and even though some people complemented me on my hourglass shape I felt so embarrassed because I didn't look like everyone else, all I wanted to do was blend in.

I eventually grew to love my boobs as I graduated high school and went into college, I didn't mind so much that my body was different. I also was very ecstatic when I started working out and got a nice butt to go with my boobs. JACKPOT. Now I realize how boring skinny can be. This is why Joan from Mad Men is my idol. Christina Hendricks, the actress who plays Joan is the Mona Lisa of bodily forms in my mind. When I saw her on TV for the first time I couldn't believe that a woman who had the same exact body type as me was being celebrated. Before Christina Hendricks my body role models were statues of women from the Renaissance. Finally hourglass women are getting love!

I've definitely come into my own as a twenty something woman. I've learned to WERK my body and dress my body and take care of my body. Just because you have a curvy body, that in no way means you can slack off and not take care of it. Let me state for the record curvy-ness does NOT equal unhealthy. I want to keep my tight curvy ass so I make sure I work it out. I'll never be skinny or slender or six feet tall so I don't force my body to be something its not. No matter how much weight I loose my boobs stay the same, which I look at as a blessing.

Although my figure is a rare breed, that in no way means that I allow anyone to disrespect it. You can dress a curvy body in great ways and when I go to work I expect people to treat this well dressed classy shape with courtesy and kindness. Jokes will get you banised for life. Keep your stares to a minimum males, and women don't sneer at me. Yes women I see you look me up and down, what is your problem? I was most likely about you pay you a compliment about some accessory you're wearing but then you decided to give me the judging stare, and now that's shot to shit. My brain is in my my head, don't worry my boobs aren't choking it, I can still use it. I have something valuable to say, and you should listen. To be honest, I get insecure about my body sometimes like everyone does. Besides judgment, shopping is also sometimes frustrating which sucks for me because I LOVE to shop. You must try EVERYTHING on and being only 5'4” makes it much worse, but I deal with it, and keep it moving.

I always heard that as men get older they prefer curvy bodies and as I started dating in college and as a grown up in the real world I'm floored at the attention I get these days. I couldn't pay guys to give me a second glance back in the day; I'm sure part of my invisibility was due to my lack of confidence, as well. Now men message me the weirdest pick up lines about my body, its kinda gross and weird, but hey I don't mind. You can look all you want sir.

I look at my curvy body as an amusement park, a roller coaster ride, and that's why men want it, because they want to play with it. Like I've said before, men are hungry beasts so the ones I let near this body have been carefully screened. I wont let you lay a hand on this body, unless I know that you are going to appreciate what its got goin' on. If you love whats on the outside then you are going to to be overjoyed once I show you my personality.

This blog post may come off as a bit obnoxious or self centered but all I'm trying to get across is body love and show you a glimpse of someone who just recently feel in love with hers. If you don't love your body then how do you expect anyone else to appreciate what you are rockin? Everyone finds a specific body type appealing. I like the the thick men, some women like the skinny and some like all kinds as long as the most important body part is working, it doesn't matter ;-). So my final preachy statement to all my ladies out there: don't compare yourself, don't try to change yourself. Take care of yourselves and love yourselves and the men will follow your lead.

Top 20 Countdown

So the other day I was talking to my Dad about having to tell a guy that I no longer wanted to see him anymore and how guilty I felt for doing it (I'll elaborate later). As I went on and on about it, getting mildly upset, good old Dad interrupted my babbling by saying this: “Kid breaking up with someone is a part of life, you're going to have to dump at least twenty people before you find someone who is right for you”. Wow. How right is he and how inspiring does that feel and also exciting!? Its not fun telling someone you don't want to see them anymore, I agree it really sucks, but the prospect of having a trial and error with “at least twenty” guys before for I find the right one, or in my case Mr. Right Now, seems kind of like a fun adventure. Besides the two guys this past week, I've never really had to dump anyone before. I had a high school relationship that fizzled due to the immaturity of high school and being together way too long, and I've had a few flings with college boys, but other than that I've never really dated in the grown up way. So setting those past “relationships” aside I' going to start my Top 20 countdown here in Rochester and with my first two casualties. Lets keep in mind these have to be guys I actually go on dates with and not just guys I message with on the site.

OK so here we go Bachelor #1 (we'll use these titles for confidentiality, also because I don't know what Bachelor #1's name is in real life). Well Bachelor #1 I met on another one of my dating sites. Yes Cyber Slut has decided to expand her horizons by not going on one, or two but THREE sites! Why? Not really sure, but I figure I might as well put myself out there, and let Mr. Right Now see my pretty little face everywhere. How do you expect them to find you if you're hidden, and why miss and opportunity with a hotter guy on another site if it's free? So anyway Bachelor #1 messaged me about two weeks ago on one of my other sites, we chatted for a bit and he invited me out for a drink. Really sweet guy, followed all of the rules, even texted me the day of the date to confirm. So on date night we are supposed to meet at my favorite pub. I was a hot mess struggling to get there on time, so after finally sucking it up and parallel parking and running in late, I couldn't find him! I wandered around for a bit and we finally locked eyes at the bar. He seemed nice. I think he was wearing a sweater, and he seemed nervous. He shook my hand which I love, I think its perfectly appropriate and awkward for an online date meet up. I'm pretty sure as we shook hands this was the point in which he introduced himself to me and told me his name, but I couldn't hear him, in fact I was waiting for him to stop talking so I could share with him my funny opening monologue about parallel parking.

Over-all the date was pretty OK. He never took his hat off which was kind of weird, and even though we had a lot of things to talk ab out, they were all related to TV or the media, nothing else. Although he does in fact live with his parents (wahhhh wahhh), he is an aspiring stand up comic. When I heard that I thought " JACKPOT, someone funny!" Here's the thing though, he never asked me any questions about myself. I was working my pretty little ass off on this date and he was too insecure to even share one of his jokes with me. Even though we like the same comedians and Comedy Central shows, it wasn't enough. Physically I wasn't attracted and he wasn't confident enough for me. We are both Cancers and one thing about Cancers is that you DO NOT date each other! We are needy and emotional and insecure; thats too much for one couple. I also didn't know how to read him either, I couldn't tell if he was into me or not. On the other hand I could see myself spending time with him as a friend and we could talk about TV I guess because it was literally that platonic of a connection.

We had been at the bar for over two hours and I was getting bored, so while Bachelor #1 was in the bathroom I texted my friend Becca and told her to call me with a faux emergency so I could head out. Let me explain. We all know by now that I'm passive! I actually didn't have the balls to just end the date. So Becca calls and I try my best to act like there is an emergency and I have to leave, but Bachelor #1 is not paying attention to my acting!!! He cant even hear me! So we keep chatting, uhhhhhh. Well after about 15 more mins of TV talk I decided to just say I had to get up early, funny thing is he had to get up earlier than me. I basically cant lie or get out of my dates with any grace. So he walked me to my car, and I gave him my standard “Thanks for the meet up, good game” hug and headed to Becca's.

While telling her about my OK date, Bachelor #1 texts me! WHAT! Its been an hour sir! The text said something along the lines of “I had great time, lets do something next week”. How sweet right? Well here is where many women get stuck. If I'm not as into this whole situation as he is then I shouldn't commit another date right? Well in true Whitney fashion I say “Sure sounds good. Had lotsa fun!”

Please let me explain myself. Even though I know in my plasma, yes plasma that this guy isn't the one, because I didn't feel butterflies, I still tell myself I should give it a try. For some reason I seem to think that the only way you can actually prove that a guy isn't the one for you is if you test it out and then it crashes and burns. I hate wondering “what if”. So as I'm passively committing to this second date my brain is saying, “Don't shy away girlfriend put yourself out there, you never know, it could be good!”.

This is foolish of me I know. I'm beginning to realize that if I guy is on an online dating site it is 9 times outta 10 because he is looking for a girlfriend, and not just a date buddy or a Miss. Right Now “activity partner”. The difference is that girls aren't necessarily looking for the same thing, and just because I agree for a second date doesn't mean that I am considering you as boyfriend material. I'm just looking at it as something to do for the night, and I also don't know how to tell you “No”.

So after agreeing to a second date with Bachelor #1 and feeling pretty unsettled about it, I decided I would deal with it another time. I was also dealing with Bachelor #2 who was another clingy puppy wanting to suck up all of my resources. So two days after confirming with Bachelor #1 about our second date I receive a text from him while I'm at my friend Shannon's 23^rd birthday bash. It read something like “hey do you wanna grab food on Wednesday and watch Elf?” I mean how fucking cute right!? I wanted to vomit my birthday booze up with guilt. I mean this guy was working it and here I am the asshole who has no intention of eating and Elf-ing and whatever else he had in mind. So I decide not to respond right away I mean I'm at a party I'll deal with it later, I'm getting my party on dammit and trying to meet guys!

You see a lot of girls do this shit! We say we'll text the boy we aren't into later and we never do and he keeps texting until he exhausts himself and then we look like immature bitches. You can bet that's just how I acted too! I cant change over night! Needless to say I never responded to Bachelor #1's weekend text and by Monday I had another text from him saying “so did you still want to hang out this week?”, and I didn't answer that one either, I know I'm horrible. In my mind had I a perfectly written message set up, where I would apologize and just say that right now isn't a good time, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. I think I might do that right now actually because he sent me another message today via our online dating site. He wont give up! You see our site is just as persistent as he is and it keeps sending me messages from him and about him convinced we are a good match! I just don't see it! I don't know. That fact that he is being so persistent makes me question if I made the right choice though. Is he a good match, I mean......No I don't think so? BUT WHAT IF? WHAT -THE FUCKING-IF? No, I need to just let him know what is up and move on to Bachelor #3. I'll get to #2 in another blog post because that saga is going to take some time.

It really blows my mind though that a guy can be so into you and not pick up on the fact that you may not b so into him. I mean obviously not being direct is my fault, but I'm a completely different person when I'm into someone, I'm giddy and smiley and obnoxious while still trying to act like Joan from Mad Men. Its crazy that in a society where women have power and can call the shots with men as equal players we do this in a stifling way. We play the passive roles and then only when we absolutely have to  we'll put on the big girl pants and do the dumping when we are in too deep. Then we become another Zooey Deschanel and no one wants to be “Summer” NO ONE. How can we successfully be direct yet sweet and have that be OK, and be OK with it ourselves. I would love to have Bachelor #1 in my life as a friend, but that's not what he wants. I want it all, I want the guys that aren't romantic matches to be friends and I want the guys who are romantic matches to get here already and give me my cool sensation kiss.

If I am going to do this Top 20 countdown right, I need to learn that telling someone you're not interested isn't the end of the world, I've had it happen to me and I survived and while I want every guy to like me and be my friend, they aren't dating me to be my BFF they want something different. I shouldn't waste either of our time by wanting to please. Bachelor #1 doesn't seem to want to give up, but maybe if I finally let him know whats up, he can move on and find himself a girl who is perfect for him. Dumping or whatever you want to call it should be looked at as a positive. Both parties can go and be free to continue the crazy journey that is dating or mating or whatever, we both can cross each other off on our Top 20 and move on. Maybe I'll acquire a Top 20 guy friend list from the casualties, too. Most likely I'm just going to acquire some good blog posts, which is fine with me. Two down eighteen to go.

Happy Helladaze

I'm not a Christmas person for many reasons. Now I'm going to try not to rant here but I just have a few suggestions on how Christmas could be a little better in my opinion. Like how about instead of everyone acting like Christmas isn't about consumerism and presents, and pretending to care about humanity, lets actually do something for humanity. How about instead of buying any presents or hosting expensive excessive parties how about we devote the month to community service. What about making Christmas a family month; where we have the whole month of to devote to family and re connecting with our community. Its one day that people seem to twist in to so many un-important things. I'm so sick of TV specials about ridiculous things such as “A Boyfriend for Christmas” or whatever family TV station wants to show. We should either stop pretending to care about other people while collecting our mountain of presents or we need to forget the greed altogether. I don't buy my Christmas presents until four days before, because I don't get the point. What good does a present do anyway? Presents aren't really about the person you're buying them for, its about our own insecurity. We worry about presents because we are afraid that if the gift isn't good enough it will reflect on us. That is in fact why we stress about these damn gifts and people are crashing their cars in snow storms and fighting in malls. Our economy is bad, lets take a breather!

One thing I kind of like about Christmas is the fashion show at Christmas Eve mass. Like I've said I'm not religious at all, so when my mom acts like she doesn't know this and forces me to go to mass, I'm pissed. The only moment that erases my pain is during communion at mass and watching everyone walk by in their winter outfits. It is a nice reminder of the style of my hometown and our classic Syracuse fashion. Other than that I really cant wait for Christmas to be over. December 26^th is when I can breathe a sigh of relief. I just wish that the kindness and hullabaloo would carry into the rest of the year. That is my Christmas wish, for our superficial generosity, and charity to become real. One more thing, I'm sorry but all of my friends on facebook, I don't care what you are doing for the holidays, I don't care about what new present you got or your new posted holiday pics. I'm sorry I don't care, its all sickening wealth masked with fake awareness of those in need.

Now New Years, that is where its at! Its just one big party with friends. A celebration. Sure its also excessive and boozey but I love it! No need to buys everyone presents, no need to cook a huge fancy dinner and stress over family feuds. What about the Fourth of July or Memorial Day. Now those are some damn good holidays as well. I think I am the only out of my group of friends who doesn't really like Christmas and when I tell them this they act astounded, as if I have just said the most offensive thing, ever. I used to love Christmas as a spoiled kid, even as a college student coming home for a month, and now that momma has a real job and I only get 2 days off, its more stressful than fun. I'm sure there is some deep rooted reason inside my neurotic mind concerning “Jesus' Birthday” that makes me want to wrap tinsel around my neck, and maybe some day I'll learn to get back into the Americanized “Its a Wonderful Life” spirit, but for now I guess the Grinch stands alone.

Kiss of Death

I think something is wrong with me and I'm not OK with it. What I mean is, even though I'm dating guys; in my heart I don't believe that any of them are the right ones for me. I think I go in knowing that they aren't. Why do I feel this way? I believe that when I meet Mr. Right Now it wont be planned and it wont be on a website. It will just ...be. This belief has led me down a weird path. Due to my passive nature and need to people please I often find myself still seeing the same guy for way too many dates longer than I should. I try to convince myself that maybe he'll be the one, and sparks will fly eventually, but I know what sparkshave felt like with past boys and it wasn't planned, it just happened.

My friends are jokingly writing me off as a lesbian, because of my theory that no guy can give me butterflies these days. Trust me if I was a lesbian, I would be out already, because I cant keep quiet about anything to save my life and this blog would be titled something like “Vajazzled”, and I would be going off on probably the same rant about how no girl has given me butterflies who I've dated so far on my lesbian online dating site. For a brief moment I thought, hey maybe I'm A-sexual, but in actuality I'm very sexual; I like to think of myself as Joan from Mad Men in my head.

So whats the problem? Just because I'm not head over heels for a guy I should still be able to enjoy a good make out session right? The thing is I usually can't, because I'm thinking to myself, this isn't doing it for me and I don't particularly like you so why am I wasting my lip gloss on this lip lock? Maybe that's it! Out of the handful of guys I've kissed this past year (yes handful, I talk a big game but I don't give it up easy. I wish I was easier, but men actually terrify me, they are like hungry beasts grrr!). Anyway, out of the handful of guys I've kissed in the past year I'd say maybe 1 ½ have given me a cool sensation. I cant make out for fun, I'm cursed. I cant have sex for fun because I take things way too seriously. I wish I didn't, but I don't think I can change this overnight. Do I even want to change, am I on to something? I just don't see how I can achieve my goal for this year with my weird head and heart problems. The truth is I'm an emotional mess. I thrive on emotions, I love to love and be loved, I love to feel warm and fuzzy I cant get enough of it. The problem is that my emotions have gotten me burned one too many times and I don't want to be hurt, I don't look good with tear streaks trust me.

My goal was to casually date a few guys while I have this year to spend in Rochester. I don't want a boyfriend, I don't want to belong to someone else or have to think about someone else when I do things. I don't want to give up going out with my friends for a guy, I don't want to worry about anniversaries and overnight bags, or futures. I just want a handful of guys to have fun with! Its like that Sex and the City quote; my girlfriends are my soul mates and men are just these great, nice guys to have fun with. That is perfection to me; but I'm so screwed because my head and my heart wont let me just be casual. My heart has to be smitten, my head needs the commitment, otherwise I feel nothing. Feeling nothing is just kissing with your eyes open and I did that this week on my date and it was not OK. Why am I so programmed? Why cant I be like everyone else? Some of you may be saying. “Whitney just fall for a guy, get all fuzzy, take the risk, love is great blahhh blahhh”. Well besides the fact that I don't want to be in love, because its too complicated. I also don't want to get married until I'm 30. So what does that mean for me? I don't plan on dating someone long term, its just not in the cards, and we have already established I'll meet my future husband at age 27. AHHHH I'm cursed.

Do I wanna have my cake and eat it too? Who doesn't. I love my life, I love running around and flirting and going out., but it does get lonely. Some of you may be saying “You just haven't met the right guy, it will be ok blahhh blahhhh”. You might be right. Maybe I'm just impatient, maybe I just want instant gratification when it really takes time, who knows. All I know is, its rough out there, dating is hard. I feel like I interact with guys who try to sell themselves to me, and make me believe they are gonna be the answer to my prayers, but there is always something missing. One guy has what the other doesnt, why cant I just build my own man?! Now I know why so many people watch shows about dating and why so many people stay in bad relationships. Well, I'm not going to quit on my goal. Maybe my new goal should be the search for the perfect kiss? Its gotta be out there somewhere in Rochester, and it doesn't have to be with someone I'm in love with or all that shit; I refuse to believe that. Maybe its with some random man, or some guy I alreadyknow. Who knows, but I wont stop until I get, my cool sensation kiss. After I get my cool sensation kiss I'm gonna go out to the club with my fr iends and whip my hair, and not worry about if this boy is the one or if he is gonna call or whatever. I'm supposed to kiss a lot of frogs right, so why cant I have my peppermint patty and eat it too?

Cyber Sick Part II: The Birth of Cyber Slut

So I've been doing this online dating thing for almost a month now and I have to say that some revelations have come out of it. 1) Its nice to receive messages from a few males a day, who want to meet you, and sometimes just want to bone you. But at the same time I feel bad for these men because 95% of them I have no interest in and never return their messages. 2) There is a weird limbo between just messaging a guy and finally sealing that coffee date for good. There are a lot of guys who you may find attractive and maybe the stars will align and he will message you! And you think to yourself YESSSSS YESSSSS. BUT WAIT! You can spend days messaging with this online Adonis and still never clinch "the date", so then what's the point really?! I would then have to declare that this guy was “Just not that into me” which is OK I guess, plenty more where that came from right? Which brings me to my third quandary 3) Following “The Rules” is much harder online than one would think. “He's Just Not That Into You” rules state that you should let the guys come to you, which makes online dating so much more difficult.

Here's the classic case that my friends and I face daily, you get a message that you and this cute guy have both given each other high ratings, you can either a) message him or b) wait for him to message you. So then you begin your message relationship, you chat and chat for ever but you really wanna get face to face time with this guy. So you can either a) ask him, or b) wait for him to ask you, either way he always says yes,. But by breaking the rules are you fucking yourself over? Finally the last scenario a guy gives you his number and tells you to text him sometime to set up a date. Hmm see the book would advise against that as well. The pussy is supposed to be pursued, not the penis! So why should I call or text you, and try to organize our pseudo dating alternate universe?! You have to say to yourself though. What do the rules matter!? I mean I'm already 22 and resulting to online dating, and I don't even want a boyfriend or a love story, so I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

Although I still follow “the rules” exactly, I did decide to let some of my anxiety about males messaging me go. This is when my new online character “Cyber Slut” was born! Ok let me explain Cyber Slut; she is like my Sasha Fierce in a way. Now don't get all sensitive about the word Slut. That word is so played out, and I don't even believe there is such thing as a Slut in the old school way everyone intends for it to be meant. People just do their THANG and who are we to label them. Play on PLAYA. So anyway back to the birth of "Cyber Slut" I had so much anxiety about talking to guys over message or whatever that I would never answer anyone! Here these men were giving out their best pick up lines or attempting to be genuine with a “hey you seem cool, and you're cute” or my personal favorite “how was your day?” (I still have the message saved and still have yet to respond), and here I am just ignoring them, even though inside of me I kinda wanna reply back. I'm afraid for a few reasons, besides the awkwardness of it all, I'm afraid that he will in fact ask me out and then I'll have to actually confront this person, who is in fact real! What if the date is bad or what if! What if! So many “what ifs”. One day while conveniently watching Sex and the City I decided to just go for it and talk to a bunch of guys, who cares right!? Its just talking, its just getting to know people. And guess what?

That idea is working pretty well. I'm getting used to having a full calendar during the week for dates and I'm also getting used to being viewed by men as desirable or catch-able or whatever you wanna call it. Not only has embodying “Cyber Slut” given me confidence but also I feel I've mellowed out a bit. Now I don't mean to offend when I say this, but I'm finding that men are kind of all the same in a way. They love the chase but they also have feelings too, and they like to send smiley faces over message to be cute (barf!). Even though online dating may be a weird circus, the people in it are just humans in a cyber freak world. These people have hopes and desires and want a connection and I'm learning that even though I shouldn't take the site so seriously to the point where I make myself vomit due to resistance and nerves I should also be more respectful I guess for the brave shouls who put themselves out there. So here's to us brave souls! Cyber Slut is proud to be among you and is really trying to spread her Cyber legs around to all the men out there online. Yep that's what I said and I stand by it, take it how you will :-P, and don't worry I'll start to talk about the dates in the next post, they are entertaining to say the least.

Cyber Sick Part 1

Since the dating pool is so shallow these days my good friend lets call her “Sarah” decided to take matters into her own hands. After confessing to us that she signed up with an online dating site and that after a week of membership she already had three dates lined up for the following week, I was intrigued. How could it be that easy? Its unheard of! She spoke of the wonders of online dating; its free, there are cute guys that message YOU, and you'll just go grab coffee and get to know them better. I was convinced in that moment that she had gotten it right! Solved the mystery and ended our string of bad luck with Rochester men! Halleluiah!

Now let me just say a few things here. I moved to Rochester swearing off all my old behaviors. No more Sex and the City style man hunting, no more worrying about dates. I had convinced myself, that I just needed to worry about my career and taking care of me and if I was supposed to be in a relationship with someone, it would happen naturally. Well, my friends and I being typical twenty-something girls we can only entertain ourselves with “Girl Power” for so long until we become tired of sleeping alone and cooking dinner for one. So we started to get antsy and began our quest to the male shire. After about two months of hitting up every kind of club, no guys were talking to us. The only ones that were, in fact making moves were the sketchy wasted ones who put their hands on your buts. Not OK! So that's when Sarah started to take matters into her own hands, I say go girl, get it! She motivated me so much that one day with the help of my friends Shannon, Tom, and Mark I put up a profile. Its pretty simple and I thought “What could it hurt?”. That's when I started to panic.

To be honest I am very anti-online dating, I have been for as long as I can remember. In my opinion you shouldn't rely on technology to help you find a mate. If you are supposed to be with a person they will find a way into your life, you cant force a relationship like its an online 7^th grade dance right? My self imposed relationship time line rules strictly states that if I plan to marry at age 30 and I'm still single by 28 then I will dive into the world of online dating. Simple right? Well online dating amongst twenty-somethings is huge! I know a handful of people my age who are doing it, not necessarily getting amazing results but they are doing it. Sarah I believe is the exception to this online dating awkward curse. Like I said after going on two dates, the good date actually resulted in a hot guy who is crazy about her! Fairytale story. I mean considering what I've experienced on this site in the past two weeks I'm not so sure I'll be meeting Mr. Right Now any time soon, but I'll tell you what my online dating journey has been like so far.

I have to say that the site is great, they are like a pushy mother trying to get you a man as fast as they can. They encourage you to make your profile detailed, upload pics and answer the hundreds of questions to better find you a match. Everyday they send you a list of guys who you match up well with and ask you to pick some or send them a message if you want. Or you can just browse the users and rate them according to five stars. I like this part because I get a few notices a day about guys who have given me high marks. Its like a reminder of how attractive you are. You can choose to respond to guys or not. Its pretty well set up. Here is why I fail at the site: I'm a person who NEEDS human contact. I cannot send messages or IM chat with guys over a computer, its creepy and lets face it no one is being their real self. The thing about me is, to really understand my charm and hot-mess qualities you have to sit and chat with me for a while. I feel like my profile really doesn't represent me as much as the real me does and I think that the men who are on this site assume they have a shot with me when in fact they aren't compatible with me in my opinion.

So about two or three times a day I'll get a message from a new guy basically saying this “Hey Whit you seem really cool and you're really pretty, message me sometime, I want to get to know you better.” Right there! Problem number one, I'm chicken! I'm totally the girl who wants the guys to take the lead. Don't leave it up to me! Just start asking me questions or just ask me to coffee, for real. I need human interaction, not cyber word play! I'm horrible at it! For example the first guy that messaged me wanted to get to know me by playing the question game, so I asked him “what are you hobbies?” I mean c'mon! That's a horrible question to ask someone, so generic, but I have no idea how his personality is. In the real world I could play off his energy and work my stuff. Its so hard! Oh and did I mention that I kind of hate computers. Yep I love to blog and watch my shows on Hulu but after about an hour I wanna claw my eyes out, so I have really no interest in chatting with a stranger for hours. Literally as we speak I have about three messages to answer from three different guys and I'm so stressed out that I keep putting it off. I literally get sick every time I go on the site. That's not healthy! I'm trying to stick it out and give it a chance but I really feel in m y heart I'm not meant for this kind of work. Like I said the only thing I really like about its is that guys think I'm interesting and approach me, it gives me hope that I'm not an ugly freak and that I do actually make some blood rush to the penis now and then.

I wish the men on the sight could approach it with a little humor though. I mean lets accept that we have given up on human interaction and self confidence and have resulted into the robot manufactured dating jungle. Lighten up about your profile and your objectives God's sake! All the guy's profiles are so stuffy and whiny! “Blah blah I just graduated from college, I'm sweet I'm shy, I don't drink I just want to meet someone to love”. BARF! I don't care, you're young and you need to chill out . There is one guy I really like. Unfortunately I don't think its going to work 1) He is in the 70% compatibility rage, and I strictly only try to get involved with 80% or higher (yes these are my rules, I know they don't make sense) and 2) What I like about him is his laid back attitude, and he is so damn cute. He literally has been the only funny guy I've seen on this web site. The problem with laid back funny guys is that the can sometimes be ass holes and players. All I want is this guy to ask me out for coffee because I think we would really hit it off, but I'm sure as hell not gonna ask him. If he is into me and my cyber messaging banter then he will ask. Otherwise we are just going to keep passing virtual notes back and forth.

So I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about this online thing. I think I have a few options. I could either just suck it up and follow the rules of the dating game, keep messaging and going along with the whole system or I could deactivate my account and go back to no guys talking to me as I drink my sorrows away in crowded bars. OR I could not take this so seriously, I realize that this should be fun and enjoy the fact that guys are interested and try not to vomit every time they message me. I think I can do this, my confidence just needs to change. Meaning I need to KNOW I can do this.

Be Your Undergrad Dream Tonight

I'm fascinated about what happens to the female young adult during the undergrad years. That pivotal time between 18 and 22 when you are basically a ball of clay being shaped into something completely different then when you first arrive. When I headed off to college I had the typical fantasy, of turtle necks and coffee shops, older boyfriends with thick glasses and apartments downtown. This guy and I would fall in love, with pillow side chats and early morning brunch. Then he would of course propose after our four year perfect relationship and we would be able to make it work while having fabulous careers and eventually moving to NYC to bask in our perfectness. I would have the perfect wedding at age 25 and we would be so perfect and travel the world. Just typing this fantasy makes me want to vomit, but I also feel a bit of sadness for the hopeful innocence that young Whitney did have back in the day.

While I quickly realized that college in the these new times is nothing like what I had imagined, I wasn't going to let that keep me from being assimilated. I learned to play the boy and girl games; also known as the hook up chronicles. You see young hopeful girls get to a university and realize that there is no more fantasy Notebook style young love romance; kids just wanna play and enjoy what their life is now. Basically the undergrad life, is the ultimate life. No worries, no cares, just booze, making new friends and making decisions, some life changing.

When you think about it , it kind of sounds genius. Young adults are not taking life too seriously and its all good. “Lets go all the way tonight. No regrets, just love” right? At the same time kids are shacking up, sleeping over and playing house. Living together and sharing a home as if they were a married couple. See in college no one dates anymore. You either suck face with a stranger, or hook up with a friend from time to time. College students have this arrogance that they don't want be tied down, or become all complicated in a relationship. That commitment is so passe. One option; you find a fuck buddy and you pretend that everything is casual and un-attached but you basically find yourself opening your life up to this person. Why do we think this is a good strategy? I know so many of my girl friends who are still in school and have sleep overs night after night with the boys they are “talking to” but they never get the full and deserved treatment that comes with playing house; because at anytime this boy could send a text and say “Its not working out anymore” and move on to the next.

OK so what am I trying to say with this blog. I'm not so much concerned about what goes on in the land of the undergrad soap opera. Life is for learning and I always say that “20s are for mistakes”, but I do believe that it has a bit of an impact on how you deal with relationships after wards. I worry that many young women honestly believe that what they experience in college is how men should treat them for the rest of their lives. If you are giving everything you have to a boy during the undergrad years and he leaves you completely empty by the end; and no one ever bothers to tell you that there is something better out there in the “Real World” how will you ever know? How will you ever believe in yourself and how will you ever develop the attitude of never settling for a half ass relationship again?

You cannot give multiple years of your life to someone in a bad relationship filled with games and non commitment and expect to walk away unscathed. By the time you leave school you are so programmed to think that what you just got out of is what you deserve anyway, and God forbid this relationship sustain outside of the undergrad walls, into the real world. When did we stop believing that there is something else out there! Don't you all remember “Somewhere Out There” from Fivel Goes West!?! The mouse movies!

You may think you love someone, but just because you sleep in the same bed and maybe sometimes he throws out the L word occasionally, it doesn't mean shit! Strive for more ladies! You're worth it! Love is consistent and secure, not fleeting and a booty call away. So my message to my undergrad girls, carpe diem, but be wise! Katy Perry doesn't know what the fuck she is talking about and the Teenage Dream eventually has to grow up as well.