Fleeting Thought #2

 Can we just briefly discuss the fact that Bachelor #3 continues to visit my OK Cupid profile even after he treated me horribly on our date. I don't want to keep seeing you pop up on my visitors list. What more do you need to see sir? I'll carry the cross of the single woman but I will not allow you to look at my hotness online. Walk away.

A Little Help?

If a sassy blue genie could grant me any wish it would be one of two things. The first wish would be; the gift of teleportation! Yes my friends, all I want to do is teleport. Ever since I saw X-Men I just wanted to be a mutant who would could wear uncomfortable leather and appear everywhere. Teleportation is where it’s at.I seem to always be running late, but with my new found power; late no more! I could travel and visit my friends on Long Island whenever I want, no more traffic or bus tickets. Life would be magical, and much more organized.

Which brings me to my next wish; a personal assistant. OK please hear me out. I NEED one. I am such a hot mess, unorganized and doing too many things. I don’t think personal assistants should be reserved for celebrities or politicians, I think we all deserve one.

I explained my theory to Mark one day during lunch. Picture this, my assistant, (let's imagine that he is called Jake Gyllenhall, and looks like him too) wakes me up with exactly enough time to get ready. While I shower, Jake is carefully choosing my outfit for work, he knows what I like.  As I get dressed Jake is making me a delicious and hearty breakfast, while I eat that breakfast, Jake is packing me a healthy and satisfying lunch. I head off to work, and Jake is free to do whatever he wants with his day. As I get home I have much to do. While I’m at the gym I can count on Jake to organize my dating website messages by priority and re-string my guitar. I figure I can make my own dinner, I mean I’m not THAT lazy. Before I let Jake go home for the night, we perform our favorite ritual. I paint my nails while I dictate to him my replies back to my online men, and he types my blog posts for me. Oh so magical.

Mark looked disturbed at my fantasy and also compared my need for an assistant to me being 5 years old again and having parents. The thing is when I was younger I didn’t want an assistant or parents. I was an independent sassy teen! I could handle my shit, to some degree. Now that I’m in my twenties I need help! In actuality when I look at my life there is too much to do, I need someone to help me schedule my dates and my hang out time with friends. I need an assistant to remind me to study for my LSAT. I need Jake Gyllenhall to remind me to pay my bills, go grocery shopping and buy gas and wine.

Some of you may be saying, “It’s called being an adult”. Whatever! There are plenty of adults who have people do everything for them. If Mariah Carey can have someone put on her damn lip-gloss and bedazzle her microphones for her then I should have someone help me stay organized as well. Right?! We all should. Mark brought up a good point though. Who will care for the assistants? He had me stumped. Who would care for Jake Gyllenhall and his tired soul? I could provide him with my humor and a pat on the back I guess, and I’m sure we would become BFFs, which would be cool.

After a while though it may get tiring for both of us. The thrill of having an assistant would ware off I suppose, and we would eventually have to part ways. Sending Jake Gyllenhall off into the sunset was probably best for both of us in the end.

This is just my fantasy speaking, in reality I would probably freak out at my assistant and tell him to stop following me, or something crazy (most likely induce by being on my period).

Its better to do things on your own in the long run, as frustrating as it may be sometimes. It allows us to be more prepared for when we have children and they suck the life out of us. I guess Beyonce was right. Independence is good, but having an entourage and a glam squad sounds amazing also. (ahem.... right Beyonce?).

For now it’s just me, myself and I, managing my own life. Which is the way it will stay. So if I’m late or forgot something or not on top of my shit one day. You know whom to blame. Blame than damn genie for not existing and blame that damn Jake Gyllenhall, they really need to get it together.

Great Expectations ACT II

I was nervous to text Bachelor #3 after the weekend. I didn't want to look like a hungry beggar impatient for our eventual meet up, but the suspense was killing me. It had been three weeks already! So I sucked it up, and casually asked him how his holiday was. Let me just say this. I love Jewish men. Like obsessed. I promise you I'm working on a blog post dedicated to the Jewish man. I could go on and on about Jewish men and their sexiness.

I didn't sense that Bachelor #3 was Jewish and we hadn't talked about religion, so you can imagine my surprise when he answered my text saying something like this. “Left the holiday to the gentiles and spent Saturday tearing apart my bathroom floor”. O-M-G. YESSSS!!!!. A sexy Jewish man who knows how to do handy work! Could this get any better? No but it could get weirder.

Trying to plan “grabbing a drink” with Bachelor #3 reminds me of bad sex with someone you shouldn't be having sex with. You are kind of into it and its too late to back out now, maybe it will all be worth it in the end, but just as you are about to go down on him he kicks you in the face 40 Year Old Virgin style.

More warning signs started to appear. Bachelor #3 told me that he could meet me for a drink “probs Wednesday”. Um OK. “Probs?”He also notified me that he was putting tile down on his floors Tuesday but if he finished early he would give me a call. He must have known that he kind of sounded like an unorganized dick because then he threw in “hopefully we can get together Tuesday, sooner rather than later :-)”. Damn you and your tricks #3! He was turning all kinds of tricks on me. His smiley face bullshit made everything right with me, and I was once again giddy with excitement for our date. Well Tuesday arrived and in my beautiful dark twisted fantasy I imagined Bachelor #3 texting me in the afternoon letting me know that he had in fact finished his tiles and we could finally meet. Left waiting in suspense all day I decided to go shopping (Yay Christmas money) and run errands (yay food stamps).

As 4pm rolled around I realized that he wasn't going to call, even if he had finished the “tiles” he wasn't going to call. This is when I had Beyonce moment. You know her song “Ring the Alarm” where she is pissed and not about to be disrespected by some man.. We the fucking alarm was ringing going off my head. I finally got it! If he was into me, he wouldn't care about tiles, I'm not the highlight of his night, no matter how many smiley faces he sends. I got it, the rules saved me yet again. Lets remember that I messaged him first. During my drunken haze I thought it would be a good idea, I felt strong and empowered and fierce and now I'm was waiting around like a powerless child.

We weren't even that compatible on the site, our percentages were all off. What was the point of this anymore? My rage lasted for quite some time, I was more mad at myself for getting mixed up with the classic jerk who was just not that into me. As I ate ice cream and drank my wine, my rage subsided. I told myself that I would just go on this stupid date on Wednesday and get it over with. Part of me wanted him to just not call me at all. Good riddance. I was so over this already before it had even started.

Wednesday afternoon after lunch I turned my phone on to find a voice mail from Bachelor #3. It was just mumbling and awkwardness. “Hey this is Bachelor #3 from OK Cupid, we've been talking and texting and I want to keep talking you and calling. Um did you wanna still meet today, yeah could we do it like later tonight or something. Call me back”. Um what was that? Even more annoyed with his games I called him back. I have to hand it to him though he did attempt to have a conversation with me, but I wasn't having it. I wasn't above providing one word answers to his lame questions about how I was doing and how  work was going, and blahhh blahhh. He gave me another line of bullshit “So um would you wanna meet maybe a little later for drinks, I mean 7 is early and I have this dinner thing and yeah. What about like 8 or 9, or is that past your bed time?” Wait, I'm sorry. WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME? Past my bed time asshole? Hell to the no.

I was done I was so done! Ugh! He said he would call me at 8 and we could just meet up then. I was so pissed oh so pissed. I just wanted to be done with this, guy, I even considered calling him back and saying “Don't even fucking bother” but something in my head said “Just meet him and see what he's like, you may get a blog out of it, maybe he isn't an asshole”. I vented to Mark and Laura the whole walk to the car. Both of them were not pleased at all. I mean if I was a friend of mine and was hearing this story I would be ashamed, and judging!

I decided that I wasn't just going to sit around after work until he called me to meet him like a Call Girl Lap Dog. I wanted to see The Black Swan with my girl Laura and she had a good idea that would help me regain some power in this whole thing. “Just text him and say you are in a movie and will be out at 8:30ish then you can just meet him wherever”. She is so smart. That's exactly what I did. So after sitting through the production that is the Black Swan and getting freaked out and introspective (that movie is like a bad yet fulfilling drug trip), I checked my phone and sure enough there was text from Bachelor #3 telling me where to meet him.

This bar was so weird and kinda gross. I got there and couldn't see a thing in the darkness of this place. I had a seat at the bar, order a drink, and I waited, and waited. I waited for him for 20 mins! Nothing could go right! I just wanted to get out alive, but every time I tried #3 had more games and surprises up his sleeve.  I wanted just leave at this point but I had come too far. While I waited, I played trivia with the cute host, and I'm pretty sure the guy who kept staring at me across the bar was the same guy who had messaged me earlier that week on my Plenty Of Fish dating site. Weird.

25 mins later his ass shows up holding his mail and his Netflix envelope. He was also on his way to the mail box?! I literally was just a stop along the way.

Bachelor #3 was all over the place, he wasn't as confident and he was just turning me off. That sweet smile from his pictures was nowhere to be found. It was like a creepy grin now. The trivia guy was shouting into the mic, and it was actually impossible to hear anything. We tried to move over to the pool table and chat, so awkward. We tried to play pool, but the table was broken. We eventually relocated back over to the bar amongst the yelling trivia host and the drunken contestants.

The conversation wasn't awkward but I don't think either one of us cared about what the other person was saying. I didn't get why he did certain things, and some his life choices made no sense to me. I could tell he was trying, but I had been done with him yesterday.

Let me just say this, he finally arrived at 9pm and at 9:26 he checked his phone and then informed me that he had to go to a movie at 10pm! Which movie you might ask? Jackass in 3D, obviously. We went on a 26 min date before he dismissed me. He made some excuse about things being so crazy this week because of the holidays. “Aren't you Jewish?” I asked him, yeah you are. Dude, if your college friends are home for the week, then deal with them, don't try to squeeze me into your shitty schedule. Yet he still wanted to walk me the 10 feet to my car and give me a “good game” hug. Was he kidding!? I was just in shock and at this point and mildly amused.

Well that was that, I got in my car and headed home. I got online to check my usual messages and was pleased to find a confirmation from Bachelor #4 regarding our date for the next night. Feeling rejected and annoyed I decided to look on my OK Cupid page and see which guys had visited it today. Guess who visited my page at 8:46pm while I was waiting for him in a shitty bar? Yep Bachelor #3 was skimming my profile before he met me because he obviously forgot everything about me. Wow, like just WOW.

Fortunately I laugh at this now, because how can you not?!  I look at it as my karma for treating Bachelor #2 badly. I mean this guy is who he is and he's not for me. I don't necessarily regret meeting him, I need to learn how to deal with guys who aren't so great, I need to learn to see the signs of a scoundrel earlier. Its a part of life. This is why online dating is great, you can just move on after a dud. Needless to say I don't have great expectations of him contacting me again, and his number has already been deleted from my phone.

Just remember ladies, if you even think for a moment that he might be a player; he is and he's been playing you from the introduction. Game-set-match.

Great Expectations, ACT I

Authors Note: This blog was written 12/28/10 posted tonight after the horrible date

I thought about calling this post “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy” but I didn't want Kanye to sue me. I'm beginning to realize that I have a crazy mind. I think about the weirdest stuff. I guess that's what makes me entertaining. The truth is we all like to fantasize and many girls like to fantasize about people they are attracted to right? This can get you into trouble. When you think a guy is a potential for you, he usually is the opposite. This is what I just learned.

While talking to my friend Seth about Bachelor #3 and our date tomorrow he told me. “Whitney, you like the wrong guys”. He's right I do. I don't mean to, I mean in my beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy they are awesome.  When an asshole sets his sites on me, I embrace him as the nice cute guy. The guy that's been missing.  This exactly what is happening with #3. I'm blinded by his smiley faces in his texts and his laid back approach to actually making an effort. I tell myself his laid back attitude when planning our date was refreshing and maybe that's a good thing. I'm smarter than this people, I know that these are signs, but yet I'm so tempted, oh so tempted.

I'm worried that I've fallen into the spider web of "The Player" again. I didn't mean to at all, but Bachelor #3 might be giving the signals to stay away. How do you know when a man is a player? Bachelor #3 seems like the right guy for me, but some would say otherwise. There have been a series of events though that lead me to believe that our communication thus far has just been a weird series of events and mishaps. Let me explain.

I started to suspect that Bachelor #3 might be playing me/ or perhaps just not that into me when he decided to play by his own rules. We had been messaging for a few days and I was so pumped when he asked me out for a drink, I mean he seemed so nice and funny and genuinely interested in me, such a change from Bachelors #1 and #2. Alas there was a catch to our date! I had to wait til the following week to meet because he was going to be out of town that week. OK OK that's cool, disappointed but still excited, I bounced back. He even gave me his number just in case I wanted to text him while he was away. Um no sweetie. I quickly fired back by coyly (ughh "coy" is barf worthy)  giving him my number and said to myself, if he wants to talk to me while he is off doing w/e in NYC, he'll talk to me. I had all week to fantasize about our upcoming date and his sexiness, I was feeling lots of Zsa Zsa Zou! Ooo!

The Monday after he got back I found a nice little message in my inbox, from Bachelor #3 about our long awaited meet up. My phone died right before he could ask me out! WHY? Or as Lady Gaga would say in the beginning of “Speechless” HOOOOOWWWWWWW?? Since my phone was dead I was powerless, so I decided to just let things be, go to the gym and charge my phone when I got home. Upon charging the damned Android I received his invite for drinks. After apologizing,blaming technology and letting him know I was in fact free, I was ready for more chit chat. But now our timing was all off, he responded after an hour and said he would just call me Wednesday and we could play it by ear. “Play it by ear?!” Play it by ear? No no no. I like structure, lets pick a time and a place and I'll be there in my cutest first date outfit. You cant just call a girl the day of a date to discuss details! Hmph!

Well Wednesday rolled around and let me tell you I was a HOT MESS. The night before was the execution of Bachelor #2 and also a night of fried foods and drinking. I was a rag-a-muffin and a HALF with a running nose and work to do. I was NOT in the mood to wait for Bachelor #3 to call me whenever he felt like it during the day of our date to discuss details, hellz nah. I texted him asking if we could reschedule sighting all my reasons, trying to let him know that I was really excited to meet him. Bachelor #3 seemed cool with it and even threw a cute line “I have a cold, so I'd rather meet you when I'm feeling better :-)” GURL! I ate that shit up! Fucking gobbled it up! I told all my friends! They thought is was the cutest thing too. You men are so slick. I agreed to contact him when I got back to Rochester after the holiday so we could finally get this date underway. So on Monday I did just that.

Authors note: This is a two part blog because I just came back from my date with Bachelor #3 and I feel that due to the change in my opinions of him, I need to completely start fresh with a second act.

Fleeting Thoughts

I realized I have these fleeting thoughts, a spark of genius, or so I think. That enters my brain and then leaves. It’s more like a one –liner joke, that I usually end up sharing with my friends; they chuckle and I move on to the next thought. I can’t help but wonder though, if people think the same things I do. So as a new segment I will be posting fleeting thoughts from time to time, just my random inquiries about the world. I hope you enjoy.

Fleeting thought #1

I think I might start incorporating “That’s what HE said” into my daily vocabulary. The “That’s what she said” trend just wont fucking die and I think that girls should be able to have fun with the phrase as well. I mean boys have sexual desires too right? So why wouldn’t they want some one to “give it to them hard” or “leave them satisfied”? Instead of ignoring the male libido and putting all the focus on women being manipulated, let's try something new. If I have to listen to “That’s what she said” (don’t get me wrong some are mildly amusing) then I want to be an equal opportunity offender! I’m going to switch it up, or am I coming on too strong? That’s what he said!

Parting is Such Sweet Progress Part II

About five minutes after I deleted Bachelor #2 from my phone, he answered back. Something like “my night was good, blahhh blahhh read a book blahhhhhh how was your night?” Well I was too exhausted from my own neurotic thoughts to deal with him now, so I just ignored it for the time being. As Tuesday approached Bachelor #2 was antsy to re-schedule our booty call movie night, and texted me about our new time. We decided on Saturday, I tried to squeeze him in with all my other shit going on party it up later that night too. I refuse to cancel plans with my friends for a guy I'm not into, he will just have to work around me. Yep I said it! As Saturday approached I was feeling like I wanted to vomit. Rushing home from community service (How saint-like am I?) I grabbed a bottle of wine and prepped the kitchen for our cake making. I needed more time! I needed to not be on this date.

Well he arrived at my place, and once again the fantasy of him was more exciting than the real thing. “Fuck now what am I gonna do?” I thought. Drink! That's always the answer, guzzle it, bottoms up. So we talked, well I talked and he gazed at me and pretended to be helpful with our baking. Then it was movie time, of course my DVD player decided to not work at this moment. After much awkward attempts to fix it, my buzzed self just said, "hey we can just talk". Great. After an hour of talking and rubbing knees with him and reading Cosmo with him (WTF Whitney?!) he went for the kiss. “Well OK” I thought to myself, I mean whatever let's just kiss then. It wasn't good. Even through my drunken haze (I was 3 glasses in at this point), I could tell it wasn't good. Bachleor #2 wasn't shy either, he went for tongue action and he let his hands wander. At that point I couldn't have cared less, he was harmless, let him wander my lady lumps. It was so uneventful though that I at one point had my eyes open and was listening to the heat turn on and off in my apartment. I mean c'mon! Well after about 30 mins I decided I was bored, and pushed him off in my nicest way possible. Guess what word vomit came out in order to ease the blow? “I really like you Bachelor #2”. Oh Jesus, no no no. Well he really liked me too. Cool. Do you wanna know what he said to me after that in an effort to explain his spontaneous make out? “I had to shut you up somehow”. What the FUCK did you just say?! No sir...just fucking no.

I knew I had to do something, so while I was shoving cake down his throat I message Laura to come save me from my own destruction! I may have worded my text to her in a fashion that was way to dramatic for the situation. All I knew is Bachelor #2 was going to want make session #2 in a moment and I wasn't going to have that. “Come get me now, call me!” I told her. So like a loyal friend she called my crazy ass and faked an emergency. He was understanding but blue balled. About 20 mins later after giving him cake and more tongue action AND letting him touch my butt (ughhhh him and his damn grabby hands) I was out the door on my way to Laura's to get ready for the nights festivities. Bachelor #2's car was literally pulling out of my parking lot as Laura's was pulling in to get me. I drunkenly texted Mark in a panic, telling him what happened and that Bachelor #2's mouth tasted like a machine, sticking its tongue in and out! Ugh! What had I done? Shit shit shit! This is so bad, now he's really into me, not to mention he wants me to come over and watch that stupid movie with him, oh boy. I drank some more and put the thought of it out of my mind and went out with my biddies.

Like clockwork Bachelor#2 texted me on Monday, wanting to reschedule our movie viewing. Luckily as he was texting me so was Bachelor #3! Yippee!! All wasn't lost, well not yet anyway.

So on Tuesday I headed over to Bachelor #2's place. It was the most difficult apartment to navigate and the asshole wouldn't even come out and help me. Finally finding the right door I was greeted with his man cave. It wasn't good folks, it was small and weird and had tissue boxes to hold his movies and all sorts of weird stuff, like a huge stuffed dog. Also let me point out there was a card on his fridge from his mom that implied his name was different than the one he gave me! (guurrrrllll)Yet again my fantasy of him was more exciting. As I stood there awkwardly he finally took my jacket and I sat down on his sunken couch to watch the movie. THIS MOVIE WAS HORRIBLE! It was called “Army of Darkness”, some zombie, comedy, action flick. Why? Of all the movies in the world, this is your favorite sir?

I was dying inside and starting to realize that I was acting like an asshole. Here I am sitting on a couch with a guy who likes me and shows me he likes me in the weirdest ways. He had some more pick up lines for me; “Lookin' good” and the classic “Come here” followed by his arm around me. God help me. As he held me and tried to use his best moves, I started to get really mad at myself. This sucks, this movie sucks I suck, I have to do something. I tried so many times to tell Bachelor #2 that it was over, and as the, minutes passed I just couldn't do it. People kept dying and turning into zombies in “Army of Darkness” and as I watched the carnage on the screen I felt like if I didn't do something now, that was going to be me. A zombie. I knew I wasn't going to sit with him on this couch for the rest of the night unhappy. He definitely wasn't getting any either after the movie. I sure as hell wasn't going to sit on that couch ever again and play the role of passive mixed messages girl with the huge rack either.

Something had to give, somehow I managed to get the words out after an hour there on that couch. It was hard, because I realized it was the first time I let a guy know that something wasn't working, or that HE wasn't working rather. It was about damn time too! I quietly asked him to pause the movie (I know I know!). I made up some lie about how I just got out of a bad relationship and I wasn't ready to date yet, and how I thought I was ready but its just bad timing and he was great and its not him. Bachelor #2 wads pretty upset to say the least."What do you want? What can I do?” he asked. “I just dont think I should be dating right now” I replied. It was better than the truth, because in all honestly he did nothing wrong, he just wasn't the guy for me. I had dug myself in the hole so I had to get out of it anyway I could. Pissed and confused Bachelor #2 handed me my plate the I let him borrow from the night before and showed me to the door. I gave him a “good game” hug and got the hell outta there. I felt horrible. I know what its like to be rejected and I never want to do that to someone, ugh! I headed over to Laura's for some perspective and tea, and the joined my other biddies at the pub for some much needed beer.

Its been a week since I broke things off with Bachelor #2 and I have to say I'm so relived. The other day I saw that he removed himself from the site, or he blocked me not sure which one. Guilt. Well, that's how it goes. See the thing is I expect myself to be reject by at least one guy during this whole online dating fiasco, and that's OK, its how the game is played, that's what you sign up for. There is no easy way to reject someone, that's why people don't do when they should, but I'm proud of myself for finally saying something, even though it should have happened after the first date. I realized now that most guys who online date in fact want girlfriends and that's not what I want (well at least I think I don't), and I need to state that from the get go before shit gets mushy. You live and you learn I guess, but at least I'm not one of those people in a relationship with someone they don't even like, but they stay because they're in too deep. Being able to crawl your way out is much better than not being able to see the sun anymore.

Parting is Such Sweet Progress Part I

I was finally straightforward with a guy! Well, after a few weeks of indirectness and drunken second base, but I did it! This is the story of Bachelor #2 and the day I finally stood up for my rights as a twenty something dating woman, well sorta. Bachelor #2 is a great person; a classic “nice guy” kinda nerdy though, and a little sexist. Its funny that he was so sexist because I'm pretty sure if I had slept with him he would have had NO IDEA what he was doing anyway. Yeahhh. Needless to say he was NOT the guy for me. Lets go back to the day we first started messaging.....Cue flashback sequence?

I met Bachelor #2 on one of my dating websites. As per usual we both received a message that we had rated each other with high marks. I don't know what it was about this kid that drew me to him; he was scruffy with a beard and Jew-Fro (yum) and I guess I was simply intrigued. His profile he seemed so edgy and funny and too cool for school, so on a Sunday night after having a particularly shitty afternoon; (my car was being a sassy bitch and stooped working, resulting in my walking home from the auto shop and almost getting molested by a homeless man) the chase began. While sitting at home drinking my wine and nibbling on my peppermint patty I got a message from Bachelor #2. We chatted for a few hours that night about this and that. I have to admit I found him interesting, his responses to my standard getting to know you questions were unique, but I didn't feel the Zsa Zsa Zoo just yet. The Zsa Zsa Zoo as Sex and the City so accurately describes it; is the “I gotta have ya” quality, the come hither. The “I think bout your penis and how awesome its gonna be”. Its the John Mayer, Ingrid Michelson lyrics that now narrate your fantasy about how it will all fall apart in the end anyway and you still gotta a have it! After about an hour of chit chat something inside of my head told me to just stop beating around the bush and ask him if he wanted to grab coffee some night. I was itching for another date and I wanted to just go full speed ahead with anyone.  He gave me his number so we could talk more without the website. NICE TRY BOY. The “rules” state that I should be pursued. So in response I gave him my number as well, I wasn't about to text him first. Hellz Nah. I I told myself if he wanted to keep talking to me he would, and low and behold 15mins later I got a text from him. We picked a cafe to meet up at that Wednesday. I was excited because I couldn't decide how to read him .

Date night arrived and I put on my cutest little cardigan and headed to the little indie cafe down the street. Its always so damn nerve racking meeting an online person for the first time. I like to pump myself up by listening to Ke$ha in the car, gotta get in the zone. Let me just say this; the guys never look like how they do in their pictures, its just the way it is. Bachelor #2 was already there waiting for me at a table in the back. As soon as I saw him and started talking to him I realized that this guy wasn't what I was expecting. He was super sweet which is cool, but I could read the insecurity all over his face and he also wasn't as warm as I thought he was going to be. He definitely didn't have a sense of humor (bad sign), but he paid for my wine (score!). Something just wasn't connecting; I was mildly attracted to him at best and he lacked a certain swagger that was essential in my opinion.

After chatting for good amount of time, I thought our date would be over. Usually these thing only last an hour, maybe two and you decide if the date was a success or not and plan a second date or you move on and give the other person a “good game” hug without the possibility of another round. Just as soon as I was anticipating the end of our coffee talk, he asked me to grab dinner with him. W-W-WHAT? “Sure” I responded, I mean whatever, what else was I gonna do sit at home? Maybe there was more to this guy than I thought.

So we walked and talked and I found out that we had a lot in common. Yet again I felt like I was working my ass off to entertain this guy, it wasn't easy or comfortable. I mean I'm probably expecting too much for a first date, but I don't think I am. When you know you have good chemistry with someone, you can feel it, and I wasn't feeling it just yet. We had dinner in this cute little cafe, the only problem was that I had eaten dinner before so I looked like a little bitch with my small soup cup. I hate those women who don't eat in front of guys, ughhh! I was getting antsy and ready to go at this point, I'm not sure why, I just wanted to get home or see my friends or relax! Bachelor #2 made me nervous, and uncomfortable because he kept undressing me with his eyes. Watching my body as I sat down, taking long pauses in the conversation to compliment me on my "pretty eyes" and blahhh blahhh. Dude don't do that shit, its awkward! I don't like it. Pick up lines aren't my style, show me you're into to me with your actions and respect not your one-liners.

As we talked about music and whatever else I could think of to bring up, I sipped my soup and I noticed a table of guys next to us who looked like they were having the best time EVER! Laughing drinking and and loving life. I wanted to be over that their table SO BAD. I'm a sucker for “the fun guy”. I LOVE my guy friends, yes you can actually be friends with a guy. They are such hot messes and hilarious, I love it. I find men to be so interesting, and a few of them were cute too. Well after about 45 minutes of dinner tango we left the restaurant, only after I insisted that I pay for my damn soup myself. Thank you for wanting to pay but you're not my boyfriend and I can't handle that “let me pay” shit, the whole “who's going to pay” thing is just awkward all around. We walked back to my car and chatted about all sorts of things, he was kind of funny and I think he got my style of comedy. As we got closer to Betsy (that's my cars name) I started to feel nervous. OMG is he going to kiss me!? Ahhhhh I dunno if I want him to, is he going to ask me out for a second date? Well he indeed asked me out again. Sounds good to me I guess. It was an OK date and of course I can never say no. Why not grab dinner with the guy. I had a better feeling with him than I did with Bachelor #1 anyway. So we parted ways and I headed over to Beccah's apartment to watch Mad Men (LOVE) with her and Laura and discuss the date.

Well the following Tuesday ol' Bachelor #2 did indeed text me. I cant decide if I prefer a guy who talks with his lady during the week via text or only talks with her when planning the next activity. I appreciated Bachelor #1's attentive texting, but at the same time I don't have time for that. It takes me forever to respond anyway because I over analyze, what else is new. Yet I would still like a guy who I'm seeing to remind me of how awesome I am occasionally with a little texting (I'm a mess).

So anyway, Tuesday while watching GLEE at Mark's with the gang, Bachelor #2 and I set a date for that Thursday at this Mexican restaurant I had told him about (I was impressed he had remembered me talking about it). Thursday rolled around and I told myself that this date would make or break it. If it was good then ...well good. If it was bad well...peace out #2. I put on my sassiest yet casual 2^nd date outfit, and headed out. I got there first this time. I felt like such a dork waiting for him. Dating is really weird when you think about little details like who waits for who. My favorite waiter was surprised when I told him it would be two this time (mmm hmm embarrassing). Bachelor #2 got there on time and I gave him a hug for good measure before we sat down.

As soon as the date started my heart sunk “I'm just NOT feeling it!” I thought to myself. I just couldn't get into him at all. We strangely talked about weed for most of our date , and what we were doing that weekend (so weird) . He yet again did the whole “let me stare at you, you piece of meat and make comments about how you make blood rush to my penis”. My personal favorite of the night “no need to rush, we've got time” followed by lingering stare. JESUS DUDE! I actually looked away from him and stared off into space. I find that compliments actually force me to not make eye contact (I'm sure its something from my child hood, but we''ll discuss another time).

Well since this date was a bust in my mind I decided to use my back up escape plan. Beccah was having a girls night at her house so I told him in my nicest, most adorable way that I had plans that I couldn't get out of. His face dropped in disappointment. OH SHIT motherfucker-fuck-shit I felt so bad! My phobia of being the mean girl over came me! Then I so cleverly said “How about you come over Saturday and um, we could make that cake I was telling you about and we could watch a movie?” WHAT THE HELL WHITNEY!!! Why would you say that??? I want to please, I dont want to disappoint! (issues clearly). I'll tell you one thing though, the man who actually does deserve me is very lucky, he will always be satisfied.

Bachelor #2's face lit back up at the sound of my third date option, all hope was restored within our twisted dating universe. I had no idea what inviting a guy over to your house on the third date meant. Actually, yes I did know what it meant, but I was hoping he didn't think it was that kind of third date. Then on the other had, I still kept telling myself “hey girl just make out with him or sleep with him, maybe that's where all the chemistry is hiding, in his member!” and I answered back “OMG brain you're so right! That's what needs to happen! High five”. At Beccah's I told the ladies about our next date and how I had screwed myself over. They were looking at me with concerned expressions as they should. “Why are you inviting some guy you don't even like over to your apartment?”.  They were right right, but it was too late to back out now....or was it?

Laura informed me that a girls night was in order for Saturday, well hell if I'm gonna miss girls night for this damn date! FUCK THAT! So Saturday morning I texted Bachelor #2, asking if we could re-schedule movie night. I could hear the disappointment in his text....yes...hear . I shook it off though and got ready to party. During our pre-game at my apartment, I decided to have a little fun with my “OK Cupid” dating page and message a guy who I thought was unbelievably cute, this was the first time I had messaged a guy, but I was feeling drunk and sassy, and thought “why the hell not, go girl!”. This guy happens to be Bachelor #3.

Going out with my friends was the right choice, I was wasted and whipping my hair and we were all fabulous and single and loving life. I remember a brief interlude at some guys apartment where we watched him sing karaoke and pole dance. Somehow I gave him my number as well. Hmmm. I decided that in order to make things right with Bachelor #2 I would put a brilliant new plan into place. I decided I would text him that night while I was drunk and have him come over to my house for a romp session. GENIUS RIGHT. (Jesus Christ I don't know why I think these things are OK). Since I was dying to just kiss him or have sex with him or SOMETHING to see if he was really the right match for me. Maybe all of our chemistry was hiding under our clothes.

Since I was too drunk to even hold my phone my loyal and true friend Shannon typed the text and we brainstormed something along the lines of “Sorry I missed movie night, hope you had a good night”. Cute right? The next morning I woke up to my phone being attacked with messages from pole dancer guy but none from Bachelor #2. Well then.

While sitting in my favorite coffee shop (aka Breugers with free WiFi) Sunday afternoon, I realized it had been about approx 11hrs since my drunk text (but who's counting) and Bachelor #2 had yet to respond. At that moment I thought to myself “Why am I even still worrying about this bullshit, if he wanted to answerer my text he would have, his ass is awake!”. I deleted his number from my phone. So long Bachelor Number Two, I'm over it. It was interesting, to say the least. These boobs aren't yours to oggle anymore. I was Free Free Free!...Or so I thought.

Next Time on “And I Cant Help But Wonder”..... Will Whitney end things once and for all with #2 or will she continue to see him until it is unbearable? Find out on the next post!