Mind Your Manners

I'm a girly girl. I love shopping, I love makeup, I love trying different looks and getting my nails done. I love feeling pretty. Finding a perfect outfit that you know looks amazing and “werkin' yo shit” is the greatest. When you know you look good, your day is so much better, you have a skip in your step and animals follow you around while you sing songs to everyone you encounter.

While I try to look my best everyday, sometimes my beauty regimen can get a little redundant; the same work outfits, and the same hairstyle. Not having enough time to 'va-va-voom” every day. I mean I wake up late most days to be honest. So I decided about once a week I would pull out the big guns. Wednesday is usually my busiest, most stressful day of the week, so at least I can control how good I look. I mean I look good on Wednesday. What they say about confidence is true. When you are confident other people catch on. People can feed off of your vibes, and this has presented a problem for me.

I've come to find that men aren't subtle. On those days when I feel that I look great and I'm walking down the street, I get stared at, I get cat-calls and I get the double takes (This is NOT me trying to be vain, and obnoxious, talking about all my compliments, its really not). This in fact bothers me A LOT. I hate when men undress me with their eyes. Yes I have a curvy body, I like to accent my eyes, and lips, but that in no way means that you are entitled to say disgusting things to me and think you are being cute. Its a free country I get it, but I still have the right to some respect, don't I? What do you expect me to do when you holler at me? What do you expect me to do when you grab my arm?! Seriously, a man -a STRANGER, grabbed my arm the other day while was at work in a poor attempt at trying to flirt with me! Don't touch me sir. Stop looking at my boobs and my ass. Believe it or not I can get insecure. People really think I'm much more confident than I actually am.

Wednesday was supposed to be MY day! My pretty day, the one day of the week, where I step it up. On these days I find myself wanting to go back into the shadows regretting my decision. I understand that “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent”, but at the same time it still bothers me when I am viewed as a slab of meat, or treated in a porn star fashion. STOP IT. The problem also is that I'm very non-confrontational. When faced with disrespectful flirting or a man trying to cop a feel or whatever. I actually just sashay away. I say nothing. Although I may mumble “yeah inappropriate” under my breath as I scurry to safety, that's about it.

The fierceness that I feel inside cannot be expressed outwardly for the world. What should you say when faced with a creepy flirt-er who is messing up your vibes and making you want to cry!? Do you say: “YOU, SIR! Are a PIG! You should be shamed of your self! (slap slap)” wahhhh wahhh yeah OK no. Don't engage them. Walk away. Rule #1 Don't engage the flirt-er, they eat it up. Any more eye contact or conversation can be perceived as interest. NO, walk away. So I do, and then I tweet about it and brush it off. In moments of struggle I like to ask myself “What would Beyonce do?”

There was a time when I was younger and I wanted the compliments, I would dress in the most revealing outfits and just be asking for it. I mean I was 16 and the movie Mean Girls had just come out, soooooo you can see where this was coming from. I didn't care, I wanted to be noticed and if you didn't like my outfit screw you (mom and dad!) and if you did (teenage boys) then look all you want! As I've grown up I've learned to appreciate my body and dress in ways that flatter it, for the most part. While I don't plan on getting a breast reduction or starving myself to have a body like a 10 year old prepubescent girl. I don't think that I should have to just accept verbal exploitation from strangers.

It makes me sad/angry/frustrated that I'd rather be invisible than stand out some days, because I just can't take it. I know, I know poor me blahhh blahhh. I'm sure some of you don't understand why I am ranting about this or are asking yourself “Why is she complaining?”

Oh trust me I had my ugly duckling phase growing up. I just left my ugly duckling phase around age 18. I know what it's like to be ignored and to have no one notice you. To be the “ugly friend”.  Trust me. I've experienced both sides.

I'm not saying I don't go “Hubba Hubba!”over men who I personally find attractive. For example as I was driving home from work the other day, I saw the sexiest-thick shirtless man running in my neighborhood. I mean he had the most beautiful sweaty -muscular back I had ever seen. Like seriously. Did I cat-call him? Did I honk at him? Did I slow the car down? NO. NO. NO. I gasped at his beauty and kept on driving.

Let's make this more general. Why do any of us feel the need to cat call, or flirt aggressively to people WE DON'T KNOW. I understand it can give you a rush, I'm not judging. I have drunkenly cat called at guys a few times in my past and guess what? Those men looked mortified, and just as embarrassed as I get when men do it to me. I think the reason some of us are uncomfortable with abrasive flirtation or disrespectful comments is because it is coming from an aggressive and sexual place. The person doing it may even be joking, but inside you know they are thinking about you in a sexual way. We are sexual beings, all of us are. You can even feel when someone is thinking about you in a sexual way. I know I can spot the glimmer in a man's eye. If I'm NOT into that man, then it makes my stomach churn, however if I AM in fact attracted to that man it makes me go “YESSSSS YESSSSSSSS!!!!”.

The way you flirt is like your first impression, and if you treat me with disrespect I have no interest in you. I use this quote by Maya Angelou a lot “When people show you who they are, believe them”. Its so true. Honestly the sexiest and most effective form of flirting in my opinion is just BEING YOURSELF! Seriously, be yourself. No creepy lines, no bullshit. When you look comfortable in your own skin and feel at ease, that is when you are sure to score.

I'm curious to know what people are thinking when they cat-call people, or act too aggressive in the flirting process? Why do it? Where is the happy place between creeping and sexual harassment? Its a fine line, and many of us have been searching for this happy place for a while. Sigh, I'm at a loss you guys. I feel I need to research this topic further. “The Art of Flirtation”. Let me call some of my male friends and get back to you all.

One Woman Show

A few days ago I saw the touring production of West Side Story. I'm a HUGE Broadway nerd, HUGE and I will see anything, any show....... anything. Since I live 7 hours away from NYC in good old Rochester, and I'm poor, its been a lack luster Broadway season for me. On the other hand I do live one block away from the theater that houses all the Broadway touring performances. In the fall I made a promise to myself that I would see West Side. It never occurred to me that going to see a show alone was such a taboo decision. My friends aren't huge Broadway people, but instead of being excited for me that I was finally seeing the performance they were more concerned, and perhaps horrified that I was seeing the show alone. “You're going by yourself?????!?!!!”.

Um ,Yeah I am.

Here's the deal; Broadway is one of the most special hobbies in my life. It is a religious sermon of music and dance. Why would I not see a show just because I didn't have someone to go with me? First of all you can't talk during a show, its a solo experience, and if you do bring someone you always have to ask what they think about the production or check their face in the dark for reactions. The bottom line is, I worship West Side Story, and I know I'm going to love it, so why do I need somebody else there with me, if I don't feel the need to bring someone. Its 3 hours alone, that's all. 3 hours of musical solitude in which to reflect and connect and feel. Why do I need a partner for that?! (Many people would disagree with me, I know. Some people like to share in the experience of seeing a show, I get it.) I was explaining this to my BFF Katie and she agreed. She also told me that she dinned alone recently. Just her, her food and a book in a nice restaurant. Not many people can do that.

Why cant we do that?!

Why are we so afraid of being alone? Being an only child I can understand. I hate being alone, sometimes I hate living alone, I just want to be around people all of the time. The thing is though alone time is so necessary. So why are we so afraid of it. Why did I get those looks of pity from people who heard that I was going to see a show alone. The instant reaction in my head was “Fuck off! I'm a big girl. I can take my own damn self to a show, love it and be fine with that”. Even if I was in a relationship, or had a friend who wanted to go I don't think I would ask them to come with me.

What bothers me most is that people can't even appreciate the fact that you are doing something alone. There is no celebration or positive acknowledgment for that kind of independence. Whether it is eating alone, seeing a movie alone, or going for a long walk alone. All people can see is that you are 1 person without a plus-1. and 1 is the loneliest number after all. Singles are discriminated against I believe. If you don't have an activity partner, you are pathetic it seems. Maybe this is me just ranting, but you have to admit, people think these things.

Now that our mid twenties are only a couple of years away, many of my friends have started to panic about the rest of their lives. Its time to shack up, time to get the long term live-in boyfriend with the pet and the commitment. It's important to realize though that being alone doesn't mean that you are lonely. It really doesn't. We associate alone with lonely which equals undesired, which means you are ultimately and undesirable candidate for companionship. Why do we do this?

Doing things alone gives me anxiety, and I know there is always a friend I can call if I want to grab coffee or go on a walk, or go shopping, but solitude isn't a prison sentence. In fact for me, its a kind of meditation. The more comfortable we can become being alone with ourselves the easier I believe it is when we in fact to breakup with someone or find ourselves without a partner in this game of life.

Creepin'

Warning: Ladies don't judge me and this blog post, because WE HAVE ALL DONE THIS, leave your pious shit at home, and just accept the fact that we have all creeped.

I'm a creep you guys. I'm an actual creep I know this and accept it. The art of creepin' is established over some years of practice. Some may call it “strategically admiring from a far”, but I've realized that its just being creepy. How creepin' starts, usually begins with a girl laying eyes on a boy who is so attractive that she can't even form words. This boy you end up giving a name to like “Thick Sexy Lawyer Man”, or “Music Store Boy” or “Lettuce Man”. You will lay eyes on this man in the most unexpected place but once you do you cant stop thinking about him. In romantic comedies you would lay eyes on this man and his eyes would magically lock with yours, then he would come over to you (or vice versa) and you would participate in a few minutes of banter followed by a date and, then Cloud 9, then betrayal because he cant commit and then Cloud 9 again because he will come to your job or your coffee shop and say how he was wrong for letting you go. You know. I don't need you remind you that life is not a romantic comedy, so when you lay eyes on your creepin' target don't be surprised when he doesn't look back at you, because how can he. You are making sure he doesn't because he has stunned you and you feel like you would die if you spoke to him.

So you start to plan your creep attack. You go over the location you saw this man in your mind and try to remember the time of day you saw him. For example, you go back to the coffee shop, or the music shop or the courtroom days later to see if he is still there. Creep. Sometimes he is, sometimes he's not but on that rare occasion that he is, you make damn sure that you look your best and position yourself in a location where he can see you from from the best angles. This is the moment where you have to strike up a conversation, convince yourself that you are a strong sexy women going after what she wants, when in fact this man hasn't noticed you before. If you are successful maybe he will fall for your charms. Usually it may not happen and that's when you truly realize you must back off. If this gorgeous man is someone you see everyday then it is sometimes hard to walk away from the addictiveness of creepin', which brings me to my daily creepiness.

The type of creepy I'm referring to is known as “looking at oh so sexy lawyers at work and admiring their sexy lawyer moves but NEVER speaking to them”. Before working at the Rochester City Court I never thought male lawyers could be sexy. Maybe there would be one out of the pack, who was the prodigal son, but never did I imagine there would be a good chunk of them just strolling around court every day. Well at my job its like a sexy buffet of sexy smart men in suits being all kinds of sexy. Since most of my mornings consists of sitting in court with judges and their staff I get the opportunity to look at the hot lawyers daily, but when court lets out they go back to their offices, so all I can do is creep on them. I guess its not deliberately creeping. I cant help it that we both have to work in the same courtroom and that they are sexy, so I stare. I still feel like a creep though. Remember that blog I wrote months ago about how I was going to muster up the courage to talk to one of the lawyers? Well that happened and it didn't go well. Here is the story about how a little alcohol and create a bad situation for a creep. It also taught me how to figure out if you're creeping and when to save yourself. I was going to make this into a separate blog post called “Liquid Courage” but lets not delay the story......

"Liquid Courge"

I've never been brave. Never. People perceive me to be a lot bolder than I actually am. I have no problem admitting that I'm shy. Well, I've been working on this little character trait of mine for sometime. I've blogged about it a little, and I've been taking tiny steps to improve my outgoing nature. You may remember my blog about the “Scruffy Lawyer” man. Well this is the story of how sometimes being brave (and drunk) can make you confess things that you didn't even mean to say.

One Friday afternoon I received a text from my friend Michelle announcing my favorite time of the day: Happy Hour. The idea of happy hour after a less then sensational week sounded like music to my ears. So at 5pm I changed my clothes and headed over to one of my favorite spots; Selena's. Selena's is known for its amazing food and ridiculously strong drinks, perfection. So after about an hour of girl talk and indulgence we decided to to check out some of the art galleries around the city. As we were heading out I saw him. It was Scruffy Lawyer Man! I had a choice then and there. I could keep walking out of the bar, or I could walk right on up to him and um.....talk to him? I grabbed my friend Shannon and told her “Its him its him! I have to say something!”. Shannon being the voice of reason could see how drunk and deluded and I was and told me “NO! Whit, not now.” But all I could see was achieving my goal of talking to the lawyer I hand been creepin on! This was the time! I told Shannon “This could be the night where anything is possible!” You know I love possibilities. So much to her dismay and concern she followed me over to the bar where Scruffy Lawyer Man was. This is where the creeping began. I knew I was being a creep but I told myself that I was being assertive and confident, simply introducing myself to a lawyer from work. After all I want to be a lawyer someday (its true). As I inched my way over to him, I tried to psych myself up. Going over how I would introduce myself, maybe what topics to bring up. I was standing right next to him, and he still didn't noticed (THAT IS HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT YOU BEING A CREEP). After a few seconds of staring at him I decided to act like I had accidentally bumped into him. Here's the transcript of what happened:

Me: Oh Hi!

Scruffy: Hey

Me: I work with Rochester Teen Court! I'm Whitney.

Scruffy: Oh yeah how are you? I'm – (could not hear what he said he name was, and was too drunk and fixated on him to care)

-So we made some small talk about the judge he works for and my dreams of law school yadda yadda. Then it got weird...creepy weird. This is the point I should have SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WALKED AWAY. But no I felt the need to add this...(Note this is the edited version without the drunk babbling, you'll still get the gist)

Me: I just want you to know....I really admire you. You inspire me, how nice you are to all of the people you defend. (Blah blah)

Scruffy: Oh well you know....yeah

Me: Yeah...... (drunk and not understanding)

Scruffy: Well it looks like your friend is getting a little freaked out so.... (Shannon had just been standing there the whole time watching my fall from grace)

Me: Oh yeah, sorry! We should go! Bye????

DO NOT TELL SOMEONE YOU JUST MET THAT THEY INSPIRE YOU, DO NOT.

The End

I still see this man daily at work, and while I have slowly recovered from the mortifying awkwardness. I still could have saved myself the embarrassment. Looking back Scruffy was more of a role model than a sexy man friend-prospect but now I just look crazy to him.

You have to think before you creep, my friends. I cant type about this anymore, I'm getting creeped out so let me just wrap this post up.

The moral of the story is; as exciting as the creep is, its a dangerous game. You mostly look like a crazy person. When I find myself on the precipice of a creep, I try to tell myself “How would you feel if a guy was doing this to you?”. Exactly. Just be brave and introduce yourself in a normal way, and let fate/the man in question take it from there.

"My Most Romantic Day"

 

I LOVE horoscopes, I just love 'em! While I'm a huge advocate of creating your own destiny and being in charge of one's life. Horoscopes are just so great. For one thing my star sign matches who I am perfectly. I am the truest definition of a “Cancer” (look it up). Besides my well suited star sign, its the fact that horoscopes add so much intrigue to your day. What is predicted very rarely actually happens verbatim, but it is somewhat accurate most of the time. To me horoscopes are more about the “Possibility”.

What would life be like without the possibility.? Possibility is pretty much how I get through the day; imagination and creativity, thinking of fabulous new ventures. I love believing that anything is possible and what makes me even happier is when I can turn “non-believers” into supporters of the possibility. So last month when my Elle magazine horoscope told me that May 17^th 2011 was going to be my “most romantic day of the year” hmmmm I wasn't so sure how to take that astrological prediction.

See, I like to create “possibilities” in terms of real life day to day things. For example: who is having an affair with whom, or who is actually a spy or a superhero or something completely fictional ( I have the mind if a 7 year old girl). In terms of my own love life I find that cynicism is the best tactic, not fantasy. So when faced with my quickly approaching “Most Romantic Day” what the fuck was I supposed to do? I'm single, I'm done with dating while in Rochester, and I have no prospects lets be honest. For a single and cynical young women approaching 23 your “Most Romantic Day” sounds to me like: “Your long term boyfriend is going to make you a romantic meal from the Food Network website and massage you. Massage you while you listen to Ray LaMontage”. BORING, cliche, yadda yadda.

The thought of typical romance makes me want to die inside. The go-to safety romance routine that other girls dream of is nothing that I ever want. I don't find it appealing at all. I can pick my own flowers, order my own romantic meal from a menu and hire someone to give me a fabulous massage. This got me thinking “What does romance mean to me?

Well when I think of romance I think of one thing: laughter. A funny man bringing well crafted and kind laughter into my life is the most romantic possibility I can imagine. Laughing is my favorite thing, its a joy from within, and that joy stays in my memories and in my heart much longer than a meal and flowers ever will. Why? Perhaps it's because honest and natural humor comes from inside of a person. If a sexy man friend can make me laugh (provided he treats me well and is a good person etc.) that's all the romance I need. When a man has learned the inner quirks and workings of my weird little brain and has crafted a special joke or bit just for me, that's when I get butterflies. My heart goes “You get me! You know! You're listening”.

Connecting like that to me is more powerful than any other romantic display. This has only happened with one specific guy in my life, and he is long gone. C'est la vie. While I tend to laugh at most things that are mildly amusing, and I do kid around A LOT, it takes a really authentic dude to understand what really makes me happy. What I'm realizing is that in terms of a man in life, I'm looking for someone who can answer this question correctly: “What can you give to me that I can't already give to myself?” or “What are you going to add to my life that makes you and me an awesome team?”. I'm learning that I'm great on my own, materialistically speaking and self esteem wise. It's not about what you buy for me. I have everything I need. It's not about how you compliment me. Words are words.

So when I think about my most romantic day of the year in terms of where I'm at in my life right now I don't know what to think. As May 17th got closer and closer I decided that since I have no “man friend” or any “possibility” of some man friend-romance happening by the date in question, I was going to at least make damn sure my day was fabulous regardless. So I did what any single girl does: I ate chicken wing dip in my sweatpants while watching Real Housewives with my best friend.

I wasn't going to sit around analyzing why I had no man to romance me on my “Most Romantic Day” or wait around for something to happen. That's bullshit. Of course it made me a little bummed, but hey I'm a human, we feel. The omen of romance that loomed over my head made me understand some things. While I love a good horoscope, its pointless to let it dictate your life. A horoscope can provide a good blog post, a self reflection, and even a possibility. It's what you you do with that possibility that dictates how much you'll be laughing-instead of waiting, in the end.

"Reboot"

About a month ago I made the decision to disable my OK Cupid account. Now I find myself wanting to activate it again. Nothing really changed after I removed myself from the site. The only real difference is now my inner circle of friends is currently single...kinda.

Its been nice having the gang back together again. I don't have to meet or hang out with any one's significant other, and we all have buckets of free time, which allows us to run around the city and have a Ke$ha kind of summer. 85 days left in this town seems like a lot of time, but in actuality it is going to fly by.

As I enter the month of June the true beginning of summer, I cant help but wonder “why” do I want to put myself back out there into the cyber dating freak show?

Well when I have a dilemma I usually just dwell on it and make the safe choice. For this dilemma, I think its best to make a Pros and Cons list. Examining benefits and the set backs and the why's as well. Why I want to go back and why I left.

Pros to OK Cupid

1. Meet new guys
2. Challenge myself
3. Build more confidence/ Swag
4. Learn how to deal with guys that don't tip toe around your feelings
5. Realizing that all types of men can be interesting
6. Topics for my blog!
7. Learned that there are some nice guys out there, and most of them are just as messed up as we are

Cons/Why I left the site

1. Some men are sexist assholes who would message you the dirtiest most unnecessary comments
2. Guys on the site didn't want the same things I wanted. (Many men on the site are on it for serious relationships).
3. They never looked/represented themselves the same way in person as they did on the site
4. I never wanted to go on a second date with any of these men after the first
5. 1^st dates become exhausting after a while
6. It's always such a production from the initial sighting of guy question via his profile picture, to the first message exchanged, to setting up the first date to the texting and confirmation and finally the “after the first date” verdict.

OK, so there are 7 Pros and 6 cons. OK. Now lets examine why I've suddenly decided to go back on the site.

-Why Not?

I feel that by posing my profile back on the site, nothing really changes. I've realized that I do

do not have to put pressure on myself to go on a date with a guy if I don't want to. I don't have respond back to a man who I'm not into or a man who is an ass, or feel guilt-ed into going on dates again with guys I don't want to be going on dates with.

I need to start practicing what I'm attempting to preach, which means I need to STOP putting unnecessary pressure on myself. Even if I don't want anything serious, I can still be on a dating site right? Looking for that one guy who might be fun to hang out with. There's nothing to really lose, and you might as well say you tried than hid in a corner, just saying. I think I will keep my profile up when I move to NYC in August as well. I was initially against this idea for many reasons. Reasons that really don't make sense I guess. I still have that perfect fantasy of a sexy Jewish NYC man asking me out at a coffee, shop but until that fabulous day comes I suppose we should take our destiny into our own hands. This time around things will be different! Well.... I know that I will be different. So here's to a more pleasant journey. I hope.