I've found a fabulous new way to get my blogs done.....Ready for it??????? At work!!! Hear me out; I work in the Hall of Justice and spend about three hours in court every morning and while I'm waiting for my clients to be called, it gets pretty boring. And lets face it my mind tends to wander anyway, so I write . Its perfect and it looks like I'm “doing work”, just scribbling away on a legal pad while my brain can play and day dream. I do love my job, a lot; I've always wanted to work in the legal field and whats great is that so many young mid-twenties/early thirties people in suits roam the building all stressed out and hustling. Its like a drug and I love it. What also makes my job so amazing are my bosses; Ms. C and Ms. V, who are the most original women I've ever met. I cant even explain but I will state that they are the best bosses I've ever had.
I didn't always get this vibe. Especially from Ms. C. When I first met her she schooled me on how I present myself and how I should carry myself, which I was apparently doing incorrectly. When she did this within the first five minutes of our relationship I thought to myself “Is she serious!?!??! She doesn't even know who I am!”. I instantly felt like a young Anne Hathaway drowning at Vouge, just being stared at, as lawyers and judges smirked at my laid back attitude and soft spoken nature. In actuality though I am very glad that she expects so much out of me. She forces me to do public presentations without warning and expects that I introduce myself to everyone with confidence.
She has brought a new level of “fierceness” to my life, and I have weirdly become a part of her management team, but also a personal assistant,which requires me to do the most random tasks while getting to know her more as well. Just think of my life as a Tyler Perry Movie (Possibly For Colored Girls with a large dash of 30 Rock) and heaping helping of The Devil Wears Prada.
Ms. C (my own personal Devil) demands respect but has also worked extraordinarily hard at her job. Now she has young-ins like me who work in the trenches while she is the face behind the brand. I never thought she would become a mentor of mine. I didn't think Ms. V my other supervisor would become a role model to me either. I'm definitely different from these ladies, and I'll give you one of the many weird examples of this. Last week while cleaning our our mess of an office, Ms. V uncovered some new kitchen wear: three ceramic mugs and a large box of tea in a cute little box. Obviously a gift given to the program years ago that Ms. V and Ms. C forgot about. So this became the day we would all become suave and classy tea drinkers. What was so …..shall I say interesting about these mugs was the fact that they had blue pastel crosses on them. And not just any crosses, these crosses were surrounded by a heart and inside that heart there was a Psalm.
I've been avoiding the religious questions for a while now. Church is very important to people of color , I've known that my entire life and have experienced how church shapes a community. Since I've moved here every African American woman has asked me what church I attended. The answer is ..um NONE! No church for me. Ever since I could decide on my own or express to my parents that church wasn't for me I stopped going. I know there is something else out there, I like to call it “The Gods” but I feel spirituality all around me everyday, in everything, and I don't need someone else to tell me what my spirituality is.
So here we are, Ms. V, Ms. C and me: The Holy Trinity, and we are getting ready to go make tea. Ms.V says to me “do you want the Prayer mug or the Love mug?” Hmm well I'm sure as hell not taking the Prayer mug but I really don't want to take the Love mug either!!! So of course I say love because I knew if I took that Prayer mug I would be lying. I don't know if I believe in prayer. Shouldn't you just do as much good as you can in the world and the things that you deserve will come to you because of it? I guess I've felt love in my life more than I've felt prayer. But I constantly find that these two themes are what plague my life the most, having faith and having love and having faith in love and loving your faith.
My bosses have amazing faith, so do many older women I know, but I'm not sure if I will ever get to that point in my life, and I'm getting really tired of having to feel bad about not believing. I'm not sure if I'm even taking the stance of a “non-believer”, I just don't feel comfortable having to declare that someone else is in charge of my life but me.
I guess I cant really be dissing faith here totally, about a year ago I was involved in a car accident in which I should have been killed, there was no way I would have been able to make it out with at least suffering some broken parts. But yet I walked away from that car OK and very lucky. I guess maybe that was they day I decided to start really living, really letting some shit go and not worrying about what kind of person to be. To stop fronting and have that be just fine, and not slapping a God on my life name plate, because I'm just not sure what I think these days. What that accident did teach me is that whatever powers that are out there believed in me and believed I was worth saving and worth taking up space on this planet. I don't think that powerful force would want me to believe in something with an in-genuine purpose, I think those powers would want me to be honest about it. So I still feel that there is something out there. I guess that's where I stand and with faith. I feel my faith and I feel my life happening everyday and I know that I believe in myself and I know that other people believe in me whether its Ms. C or the powers that be from above and I have to believe that that is enough for now.
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