You Just Have To Believe

Women everywhere these days are struggling; stuck on the seesaw of perspective. We can either choose to be two types of lovers in life. 1) The Samantha/ Miranda types or the Charlotte/ Carrie types. Its obvious I'm a Sex and the City fan and since I'm living the “I'm fabulous w/ no cable to pay for” lifestyle, I end up watching the series on loop in my apartment after work. The women of Sex and the City are like the big sisters I never had. Charlotte is the eternal optimist, believing in Prince Charming and true love. Carrie was somewhat similar; more of girl who was willing to make a relationship work no matter how challenging. Samantha didn't really believe in love, just sex. She was strong, successful and hilarious. And lastly Miranda; the cynical, smart and realistic red head. I longed to be a Miranda type, I still do.

At this day and age (22 in 2010) I find that not only myself but most of my single girlfriends are struggling with what kind of out look to have on relationships. We've seen and heard it all. Mostly due to undergrad soap opera/jersey shore style pair ups with boys, shaping who we are up to this point. Yet we still want to be hopeful that we wont spend our 20s alone; faced with the questions and subtle (maybe self created) judgments of our families who want to know whats going on in our love lives, when to expect a wedding or a baby. Also when confronted with the Facebook images of those lucky or perhaps foolish friends who are getting married at age 23 to their college or high school sweethearts. See the thing is I don't want to get marries until I'm 30 and don't plan on being a mother until 35 (I've warned both my parents that they have a while to wait for any of that kind of news). I don't care what anyone thinks, but does that mean I'm not deserving of (or rather shouldn't go looking for) a good relationship in the mean time?

This is where the challenge lies. The fierce and fabulous go getting twenty-something girl often puts on the strong front of a Miranda and Samantha. Struggling to let go of the four years of programmed shitty college guys and shitty sex and desperate to emerge into a single and fabulous working woman state of mind. We're out there in our apartments with our twenty-something roommates, working at our jobs with a closet of Anthropologie style appropriate work clothes. We are out there thinking that we can go out to bars casually date and casually have sex but always displaying “I love me more” on our chests.

Then we realize that the pickings are in fact slim and we start to fantasize about the perfect guy because there are so many imperfect ones (no offense guys). Then comes the online dating (another blog entry).But could you really imagine going five or six years just being disconnected, cynical and free to be me without the wonderfulness and heartache of a 20 something love? That's when we turn to our inner Charlotte or Carrie and keep trying, hoping, and daydreaming because what else can you do? Even Taylor Swift will sing “Its a love story baby just say yes” followed by “There is nothing I do better than revenge”. Christ!!!! Even Miranda and Samantha fall in love too. I guess we cant necessarily choose what kind of character we want to feel, even though sometimes we wish we could.

So what is the point of this blog entry? Not sure, just thinking aloud I guess. What actually sparked it all was this morning at the gym. I go to an all female gym filled with every kind of woman; young , old, religious, bitchy, gracious, mother, wife, single, recently divorced etc. Due to all of these diversities we have a large sum of flat screens that display a variety of programming on them. Every woman watches something different in the morning, enjoying their hour of “me time” before conquering the day. But this morning our focus was on the same television screen because this particular morning the royal of family announced the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Every woman in the gym; every cynical, hopeless romantic, jaded, or realist woman was glued to that particular television with wide eyes. There is something about a princess that makes a girl who rejects the ideas of conformity believe in it. Something has to be said for Kate Middleton as well, 28 successful and and her own person, and still a princess. A girl who seems so modern and fabulous was able to snag a Prince Charming along the way as well. So maybe you can have it all, and you don't have to be cynical to do it,and you don't have to push traditional ideals away to do it. You just have to be. Taylor Swift may have some crazy bitter breakup songs, but she has a hell of a lot more love songs, because we never lose hope. Even though we put our hands up to “Single Ladies” every time and apathy sometimes heals old wounds temporarily. The truth is the Liz Lemons of the world just want that fuzzy feeling, the butterflies and the daydreams just like the Charlotte's do.

The Devil Has Faith

I've found a fabulous new way to get my blogs done.....Ready for it??????? At work!!! Hear me out; I work in the Hall of Justice and spend about three hours in court every morning and while I'm waiting for my clients to be called, it gets pretty boring. And lets face it my mind tends to wander anyway, so I write . Its perfect and it looks like I'm “doing work”, just scribbling away on a legal pad while my brain can play and day dream. I do love my job, a lot; I've always wanted to work in the legal field and whats great is that so many young mid-twenties/early thirties people in suits roam the building all stressed out and hustling. Its like a drug and I love it. What also makes my job so amazing are my bosses; Ms. C  and Ms. V, who are the most original women I've ever met. I cant even explain but I will state that they are the best bosses I've ever had.

I didn't always get this vibe. Especially from Ms. C. When I first met her she schooled me on how I present myself and how I should carry myself, which I was apparently doing incorrectly. When she did this within the first five minutes of our relationship I thought to myself “Is she serious!?!??! She doesn't even know who I am!”. I instantly felt like a young Anne Hathaway drowning at Vouge, just being stared at, as lawyers and judges smirked at my laid back attitude and soft spoken nature. In actuality though I am very glad that she expects so much out of me. She forces me to do public presentations without warning and expects that I introduce myself to everyone with confidence.

She has brought a new level of “fierceness” to my life, and I have weirdly become a part of her management team, but also a personal assistant,which requires me to do the most random tasks while getting to know her more as well. Just think of my life as a Tyler Perry Movie (Possibly For Colored Girls with a large dash of 30 Rock) and heaping helping of The Devil Wears Prada.

Ms. C (my own personal Devil) demands respect but has also worked extraordinarily hard at her job. Now she has young-ins like me who work in the trenches while she is the face behind the brand. I never thought she would become a mentor of mine. I didn't think Ms. V my other supervisor would become a role model to me either. I'm definitely different from these ladies, and I'll give you one of the many weird examples of this. Last week while cleaning our our mess of an office, Ms. V uncovered some new kitchen wear: three ceramic mugs and a large box of tea in a cute little box. Obviously a gift given to the program years ago that Ms. V and Ms. C forgot about. So this became the day we would all become suave and classy tea drinkers. What was so …..shall I say interesting about these mugs was the fact that they had blue pastel crosses on them. And not just any crosses, these crosses were surrounded by a heart and inside that heart there was a Psalm.

I've been avoiding the religious questions for a while now. Church is very important to people of color , I've known that my entire life and have experienced how church shapes a community. Since I've moved here every African American woman has asked me what church I attended. The answer is ..um NONE! No church for me. Ever since I could decide on my own or express to my parents that church wasn't for me I stopped going. I know there is something else out there, I like to call it “The Gods” but I feel spirituality all around me everyday, in everything, and I don't need someone else to tell me what my spirituality is.

So here we are, Ms. V,  Ms. C and me: The Holy Trinity, and we are getting ready to go make tea. Ms.V says to me “do you want the Prayer mug or the Love mug?” Hmm well I'm sure as hell not taking the Prayer mug but I really don't want to take the Love mug either!!! So of course I say love because I knew if I took that Prayer mug I would be lying. I don't know if I believe in prayer. Shouldn't you just do as much good as you can in the world and the things that you deserve will come to you because of it? I guess I've felt love in my life more than I've felt prayer. But I constantly find that these two themes are what plague my life the most, having faith and having love and having faith in love and loving your faith.

My bosses have amazing faith, so do many older women I know, but I'm not sure if I will ever get to that point in my life, and I'm getting really tired of having to feel bad about not believing. I'm not sure if I'm even taking the stance of a “non-believer”, I just don't feel comfortable having to declare that someone else is in charge of my life but me.

I guess I cant really be dissing faith here totally, about a year ago I was involved in a car accident in which I should have been killed, there was no way I would have been able to make it out with at least suffering some broken parts. But yet I walked away from that car OK and very lucky. I guess maybe that was they day I decided to start really living, really letting some shit go and not worrying about what kind of person to be. To stop fronting and have that be just fine, and not slapping a God on my life name plate, because I'm just not sure what I think these days. What that accident did teach me is that whatever powers that are out there believed in me and believed I was worth saving and worth taking up space on this planet. I don't think that powerful force would want me to believe in something with an in-genuine purpose, I think those powers would want me to be honest about it. So I still feel that there is something out there. I guess that's where I stand and with faith. I feel my faith and I feel my life happening everyday and I know that I believe in myself and I know that other people believe in me whether its Ms. C or the powers that be from above and I have to believe that that is enough for now.

Relax, Take it Easy

During my daily lunch with Laura and Mark I was trying to get their opinion on some blog topics, when I had somewhat of a revolutionary thought pop into my head.

Men and women are doomed.

Why you might ask? I realized that with the exception of a few of my guy friends, every other man I talk to will never ever get to know the real me, that's right I'm a fraud. We all are. Ladies, think about all of the men you've spoken to in the past month . Think about how the majority of the time you were talking to them you weren't even hearing the words they were saying; because you were so worried about what brilliant sexy funny thing you were going to say next. When we talk to men and women it isn't to connect anymore its for our own self gratification. We force ourselves to paint a picture of our fantasy selves and we sell it to our latest consumer.

Young adults are so paralyzed with the thought of pairing off that we will literally say anything to sell ourselves to someone. Just the temporary thrill of not being alone even if you don't like who the person is. Think of your friends and think about how great they are; then reflect on how they act in a relationship. There is such a contrast to the free spirit you get to see and the “couple self” their partner sees. Nine times out of ten they are holding back, hiding and faking it because God forbid their flame see the real them. There is so much drama and angst in the whole couples thing its exhausting and harmful to our inner sunshine. Why cant people smile more at bars?! Its because everyone is so uptight and panicked in their own head. The classic term “hook up” in fact is a hang up! Is blocks us from so much. First of all “hook up” can mean sooooo many things, from make out to oral to full on “lets fuck”, I'm never quite sure what my friends are referring to when they say we “hooked up”. And why does it even matter, why do we have this new life mantra. Its causing nothing but a world of trouble. I get that we are all horny, believe me I do, but looking back on how I've dealt with that in my past is just a mess. I will forever have a strained and frustrating relationship with certain men because of the way we handled whatever we were doing. When looking back we could have been great friends, they obviously weren't “Mr. Right” but now they are “Mr. We made mistakes you need to not exist- let me ignore you when I see you”

What happened to just getting to know someone as a human being, a person to meet and learn from? Not as your potential next orgasm, boyfriend, girlfriend, heartbreak, or spouse. If you don't romantically designate someone you just met (we all do this admit it) then you probably wont write them off after a half hour of conversation, why? Because now there is something more to the person then just as your other half . We start off first putting the people we meet into categories, then shaping ourselves to fit into the categories we have just put them in. We often fail to present ourselves to others as just us, humans, young and alive, positive peace lovers. I think if we let all of the pressure go, everyone would be more successful in many ways. 1) we would all have more friends 2) the people you probably thought you would never end up with may just surprise you. When you get to the heart, get to the human connection, that's when the real fun can begin. When there is no pressure, no labels no neurosis you can truly feel most like yourself in the scariest and most rewarding way possible.

Mark my words but I believe the genuine relationship will and must make a comeback or we will all go crazy.

Flirt is a 4 Letter Word

You know what I hate? The “that girl” we all know this person who is mildly attractive, somewhat off putting but a HIT with the opposite sex. She can talk like the boys, and make fun of the boys, and they all fucking eat it up. And at the same time she is not interested in any of them. She is usually single or has some weird situation with one of them that is in fact like Michelle Branch song and the guy is Michelle Branch. I've known so many of these girls and they are easy to spot right away. These girls have mastered the art of flirting like there is no tomorrow. Flirting is key, its an art its a game for both sexes. Its how you get in but still stay out of the actual physical zone with all your “bros” or girls that are “just friends”.

My latest encounter with this specimen is someone from my a cappella group. Every Sunday I sit back and watch as she tells stories of nonsense to everyone penis in the room and with each passing hour of flirting she seems to acquire more and more solos in our group. Why is this you ask? I couldn't tell you! Only she knows.

Flirting is a dangerous and weird game. I don't understand it at all. When I try to flirt I feel like a desperate newly single cougar trying to get anyone to give a damn, that's not cute...just sad. What flirting has really turned into these days is shallow verbal foreplay. A type of oral sex in which we are basically have sex with our words. As young adults we don't necessarily try to get by on the qualities which make us stand out. We try to get by on the qualities that we see everyone else has and is comfortable with. Instead of telling an anecdote about something honest and silly, we go for the easy sexual come-ons and easy convo starters.

We all do it, I remember when I was younger and I thought that I needed to change everything about myself for boys because being "the norm" was better than standing out. I would say the lines I heard on Laguna Beach and try to calculate my every move. It was exhausting. The performance of flirting has become so tiring and somewhat destructive. The more time I spent trying to be someone else the more lost I became. It took a very long time to get back to me, and I am finding out that by being who I truly am, is in a weird way my own couture brand of flirting. Not overly sexual and dumbed down, but just honest and comfortable. I truly believe when you become comfortable with yourself you are able to play and unwind with someone in the best way. Its much more fun and not rehearsed.

So what have I learned. Well, twenty something guys are just as complex as girls and while I have yet to successfully study the male brand of flirtation I will try and get back to you.  So ladies, you do you, there are many like you. Keep flirting according to what Cosmo magazine says and I will keep studying you, and your targets because there is more to this story then just my one sided observation filled low self esteem and rediscovery. But keep in mind, there will be no ass kissing from me to you or your disciples. There is a single girl in all of us too and some single guys who like to flirt once and a while with a like minded person who understands the game. Its not about finding a soul mate I guess, but maybe fulfilling a lonely gap for a little bit. That's pretty much what everyone wants anyway right?  A little attention.

Well hello there

Well hello there

I'm Whit, just another twenty two single gal trying to make sense of whatever this life is. I'm currently residing in the East End of Rochester NY, a swanky indie area filled with Urban Outfitters lookalikes all in bands with free spirited outlooks. 

My friends have been telling me to start a blog or create webisodes for years. Not wanting to be another cliché I always declined but now I'm starting to think that I should share these weird thoughts with the world, because I'm finding people feel the same way I do!

The big issue plaguing all my single girl friends these days: where are all the cute guys who want to sleep with us? We all have been in relationships, the good the bad the ugly. But what I seem to be finding is that the twenty something gals these days don't want a Noah from The Notebook they just want and orgasm with the occasional dinner date once, maybe twice a week! We're busy working women, we wanna have fun but don't want the bullshit and the drama of what comes along with dating guys.

We all think we want our relationships to be a John Mayer song until we realize...um that shit is horrible. Full of games and tears and drama. Yet at the same time the games and the drama is what us ladies thrive on.

We go out a few times a week. Chat w/ a few guys and don't get numbers. I mean what are we doing wrong. In a drunken rage one night I declared “we are the prettiest girls here, these boys should be talking to us!!” and I'm sorry but its true. We're all beautiful, smart girls who wanna just have a chill time. Is it because we travel in packs that scare the men?

Call me hopeless but I think there is that perfect person out there for everyone. All I'm asking the Gods is to give me a handful of other experiences with objects of affection. Give me challenges, give me a little experience so when I meet the “one” I'll know for sure. I wanna have fucked up relationships and wonderful ones but I want to get my hands dirty, in a real way. I've had some interesting male interaction this far, but I'm hardly done! I have many more guys to discover and many more stories to share!

Its not like college where you pretty much could find a drunken stranger just as emotionally immature and lost as you were, do your thing and never see him/her again. Or in my case end up always having weird 2 day romances with friends of my guy friends. Ugh we'll get into my issues later.Something has to be said for a girl who has every episode of Sex and the City, two copies of He's Just Not that Into You and the movies for both of these titles. And did I mention this girl (ME) is STILL single and confused as all hell. Something is not connecting, and I know I'm not alone

And because the pickings are so slim I'm finding that you now have to compete with your friends. You both see the cute guy in the red shirt and fantasize, but in realty he is not into either one of you because by the end of the night you're both heading home alone or even without a convo exchange from Mc Dreamy.

So this blog is about everything, (I promise not just about finding a mate) because everything is always on my mind and I know on many people's minds. Oh we'll talk about the single gals lament but we'll talk about other things too. Its rough out there and one twenty something chick to another.... we should be able to relate.