What pisses me off the most about having female friends is that we lie. LIE,LIE, LIE. We try to be a good friend by acting like a shitty friend who is intent on sabotage. Here is the classic example: We have all allowed a female friend to continue to waste her time over a guy who is clearly THE WRONG GUY. We say things like "go girl" or "call him" or "let's analyze his behavior". NO. This is very bad.
What we should be saying is "Don't waste your time. He isn't into you and you should find someone who is." Instead we entertain our friend's fantasies. Whether those are fantasies about their perfect mate, the perfect outfit or the perfect life plan.
We don't want to be "bitches" to people we care about so we lie. God forbid we give ourselves the self inflicted BITCH title. We also use the “people are in charge of their own lives” card as a defense for when shit goes awry. We never stop to think that being the enabler actually makes us the bitches we fear.
Sugar coating is just another way of delaying the inevitable. Contrary to popular belief, the "inevitable" is something better on the other side. Getting over, having new goals, appreciating what you are worth instead of trying to fit the mold. Honestly and frankness don't make you a bad friend, as long as you have the best interest of the friend in mind.
I'm guilty of it too and I don't just do this with my girlfriends. I do this with the majority of the people in my life. I even tell my guy friends what they want to hear, because I can't bear to be the one to tell them something hurtful. They ask me advice about the women in their life with those hopeful eyes and eager expectations and what am I supposed to do? Tell them “she sucks, move on”. NO!
This character trait of mine has been haunting me lately. I may have led a guy friend of mine into a dangerous relationship with some girl who doesn't even deserve him and who is CRAZY! (Sorry, don't hate me! You know who you are. I'm saying this now, and I know you will read this blog. I'm sure you'll be very happy together. Don't hate me). You help assist this person with their delicate emotional pursuits, even though the voice in the back of your mind is saying “Um, really are we sure this is a good idea?!?!?”. You do this because you thought that was what he wanted to hear (foolish). You just want to be supportive! Or have your really ruined their lives?!
It's great to be impulsive and fancy free, doing what the heart wants. Those situations where you listen to your inner voice and just, GO! That's not what I'm talking about. When we ask friends for advice we are calculating, not living in the moment. There is nothing impulsive about it. We are asking people we trust for help. Even though hearing what we want to hear, makes us feel better (and more deluded) it sets us up to fail.
Don't tell people what they want to hear. Many of us live by and act on the advice we get from others (not because we don't have a brain of our own but because we are out of ideas!). We have no idea how powerful our words are. Maybe that's the trick. When you run out of ideas- I mean when you are really at a loss and confused; just give up. Is that better than listening to the sympathetic condolences of friends?
This is why male “real talk” is the best. Well, let me back up. When comparing the successful advice I have received from my male friends and my female friends, my male friends were more frank, and it helped me a great deal. I still remember what they had to say and remind myself of their comments when I'm about to do something stupid. My guy friends say what is real while still making me feel good about myself.
I have this friend Seth who I ADORE! (Hey Seth you are finally in a blog post!) I adore him for many reasons. I appreciate him greatly from one big reason. His honesty. I tell Seth all of my life woes and he always breaks it down. Every guy who was a dick, or emotionally unavailable that I lusted after, he told me "Whitney, No!". Even when I try to convince him that he is wrong about this one. I plead with him to listen to the details of the story and again and see that this new crush really is a good guy! He still says “No Whit”. Do I listen, what do you think?
In the end after every sobbing session on the phone with him I always ended up thinking "You were right.". Come to think of it, all of my friends to live in the NYC/Long Island areas are more honest than any other group of friends I've had. (Thank god I'm moving there, so they can help me navigate my way through a whole new batch of mistakes). Honesty is refreshing and re-establishes to me that my friends have my best interest at heart.
Nowadays when I talk with my girlfriends about guys, I rarely take what they say to heart. I keep the nuggets of information and try to search for the truth within the white lies. It's not that I don't appreciate the advice they give me, but I know enough to take it with a grain of salt. The old saying should really be “If you don't have anything honest to say, don't say anything at all”. Little white lies that you believe are nice sugar coated suggestions or pieces of advice, are really just misleading bullshit. So I'll make a deal with all of you. I'll try to be more honest, if you do.
No comments:
Post a Comment