Standstill

I'm conflicted you see. Well lets be honest, when am I not conflicted? I feel stuck in a weird limbo regarding men. The only way I can explain my dilemma is if I can list it below.

1) I'm sick of dating Rochester men, enough is enough. I even disabled my OK Cupid account (gasp!)

2)I'm moving to NYC in 3 months, and I before I leave and have to start over completely in a new city, I want to .....go out with a BANG if you will ;-)

3)I don't want to have a one-night stand in order to "get it in"

4)I DON'T want to date or be in a relationship with anyone

I like my life the way it is. I like making my schedule, or attempting to follow my schedule. I'm already busy enough that I barely have time for anything in my life. I barely have time to write this blog. What I really need is a male friend with benefits. We all know this never works, but what if there was some sort of formula in which you could stumble upon a man who perfectly meets your physical, mental, and emotional requirements? This dream man of course has his own life and isn't pushy, or needy or disrespectful and conveniently shows up at your door when you have some time to kill. This man can keep his personal life to himself as well (Thank God).

I summary all women really want (I've talked to many of my female friends about this) is a guy who is on the same page as them. I've begun to realize that young adult women simply don't have time. We are too busy, and at the same time we are realizing that certain things we may have wanted as a little girl, aren't what we want now. Not all women want to be married and have children by age 25. We have goals of our own. We have places to visit all over the world and deadlines to meet, and in my opinion I shouldn't have to factor a man into my life over my dreams. There are billions of men all over the world and wherever I got on my path, there will always be a man in the vicinity that I'm at. Just because I want to “get some” doesn't mean that I should have to hang on to a boyfriend who isn't on the same page as me. Yeah we can talk about love and long term on another blog post. I honestly believe that if love is right then no one is going to have to sacrifice and there will be a mutual understanding and progression. There are kind, comforting men everywhere and I'm not going to stay with one if he isn't heading in the same direction I am. Its all about me right now, sorry.

I'm not just conflicted because I can't find a guy on the same page as me, I'm conflicted because I keep receiving pressure from my friends to have sex with someone, to just "get it over with" after such a long time of not having any sex. It's been  while. Being in a dry spell sucks, I'll admit, but it doesn't drive me crazy. I can still carry on about my day, being fabulous and achieving all of my goals. It seems like lately I've been feeling like certain people in my life are treating me as their special project. While I greatly admire my friend's confidence and swag to "get theirs" and have casual sex or one night stands. That is so not me. I think too much about things, and I don't believe that a stranger is worthy of my "milkshake". I need to KNOW YOU, so I can know that you are going to respect what I have to give. A man should feel honored to get with this. How well you get to know me and how well you treat me is in direct proportion to how great our sex will be, in my opinion. That doesn't mean at all that you need to buy me dinner, fix my sink, meet my parents, or buy me flowers, that's not what I'm trying to say. The thing is I'm not just going to scan you out of a crowd and let you put it in. I can give myself an orgasm on my own, the sex toy industry is successful for a reason. It's not about that. I don't want some man laying on top of me while I wonder who he really is.

I'm sorry but I don't think I should have to feel bad about wanting those things. I understand my friends want to help me, but letting some guy fuck me changes nothing, because in the end he was just "some guy". The amount of sex I have doesn't make me anymore fabulous than anyone else. To be honest A LOT less people are having sex than you think. Men are predictable and all the same (no offense to my guy friends, you are great, but predictable). I can tell when a guy wants to get physical with me, the moves are all the same. You can totally see it in their eyes, they aren't subtle. The tipping point in terms of whether or not I'll sleep with you has nothing to do with how horny you show me you are or how “into me” you are. It has to do with YOU and YOUR BRAIN and how well you go about KNOWING ME. It sounds like I'm saying I want to be in a relationship, I want to be intimate on an emotional level. No, thats not what I meannnnn!

Conflicted, obviously I know

I don't really think I'll change how I feel about this issue, no matter how much I may like to check “Have a one night stand” off my bucket list. Although I hate not being  able to experience all sides of life and see things from other people's perspective. There was a time when I let crazy asshole boys into my life and to be honest I can't even remember how good the physical activity was because the impact of how insecure, pushy, needy, insensitive, and unavailable they were is what I remember the most. I don't look at a guy who is attracted to me and think “We have to have sex”, because I know there are more just like him out there. Why wouldn't I be picky? The way someone goes about having sex, and doing thier thing is their own business and is equally as fabulous as any one's approach. I just seem stuck on one side, and I'm trying to see the other side, I'm really trying, I'm just conflicted. Ugh.