Tell Me What I Think I Want To Hear

What pisses me off the most about having female friends is that we lie. LIE,LIE, LIE. We try to be a good friend by acting like a shitty friend who is intent on sabotage. Here is the classic example: We have all allowed a female friend to continue to waste her time over a guy who is clearly THE WRONG GUY. We say things like "go girl" or "call him" or "let's analyze his behavior". NO. This is very bad.

What we should be saying is "Don't waste your time. He isn't into you and you should find someone who is." Instead we entertain our friend's fantasies. Whether those are fantasies about their perfect mate, the perfect outfit or the perfect life plan.

We don't want to be "bitches" to people we care about so we lie. God forbid we give ourselves the self inflicted BITCH title. We also use the “people are in charge of their own lives” card as a defense for when shit goes awry. We never stop to think that being the enabler actually makes us the bitches we fear.

Sugar coating is just another way of delaying the inevitable. Contrary to popular belief, the "inevitable" is something better on the other side. Getting over, having new goals, appreciating what you are worth instead of trying to fit the mold. Honestly and frankness don't make you a bad friend, as long as you have the best interest of the friend in mind.

I'm guilty of it too and I don't just do this with my girlfriends. I do this with the majority of the people in my life. I even tell my guy friends what they want to hear, because I can't bear to be the one to tell them something hurtful. They ask me advice about the women in their life with those hopeful eyes and eager expectations and what am I supposed to do? Tell them “she sucks, move on”. NO!

This character trait of mine has been haunting me lately. I may have led a guy friend of mine into a dangerous relationship with some girl who doesn't even deserve him and who is CRAZY! (Sorry, don't hate me! You know who you are. I'm saying this now, and I know you will read this blog. I'm sure you'll be very happy together. Don't hate me). You help assist this person with their delicate emotional pursuits, even though the voice in the back of your mind is saying “Um, really are we sure this is a good idea?!?!?”. You do this because you thought that was what he wanted to hear (foolish). You just want to be supportive! Or have your really ruined their lives?!

It's great to be impulsive and fancy free, doing what the heart wants. Those situations where you listen to your inner voice and just, GO! That's not what I'm talking about. When we ask friends for advice we are calculating, not living in the moment. There is nothing impulsive about it. We are asking people we trust for help. Even though hearing what we want to hear, makes us feel better (and more deluded) it sets us up to fail.

Don't tell people what they want to hear. Many of us live by and act on the advice we get from others (not because we don't have a brain of our own but because we are out of ideas!). We have no idea how powerful our words are. Maybe that's the trick. When you run out of ideas- I mean when you are really at a loss and confused; just give up. Is that better than listening to the sympathetic condolences of friends?

This is why male “real talk” is the best. Well, let me back up. When comparing the successful advice I have received from my male friends and my female friends, my male friends were more frank, and it helped me a great deal. I still remember what they had to say and remind myself of their comments when I'm about to do something stupid. My guy friends say what is real while still making me feel good about myself.

I have this friend Seth who I ADORE! (Hey Seth you are finally in a blog post!) I adore him for many reasons. I appreciate him greatly from one big reason. His honesty. I tell Seth all of my life woes and he always breaks it down. Every guy who was a dick, or emotionally unavailable that I lusted after, he told me "Whitney, No!". Even when I try to convince him that he is wrong about this one. I plead with him to listen to the details of the story and again and see that this new crush really is a good guy! He still says “No Whit”. Do I listen, what do you think?

In the end after every sobbing session on the phone with him I always ended up thinking "You were right.". Come to think of it, all of my friends to live in the NYC/Long Island areas are more honest than any other group of friends I've had. (Thank god I'm moving there, so they can help me navigate my way through a whole new batch of mistakes). Honesty is refreshing and re-establishes to me that my friends have my best interest at heart.

Nowadays when I talk with my girlfriends about guys, I rarely take what they say to heart. I keep the nuggets of information and try to search for the truth within the white lies. It's not that I don't appreciate the advice they give me, but I know enough to take it with a grain of salt. The old saying should really be “If you don't have anything honest to say, don't say anything at all”. Little white lies that you believe are nice sugar coated suggestions or pieces of advice, are really just misleading bullshit. So I'll make a deal with all of you. I'll try to be more honest, if you do.

Just Do It

Two horoscopes that I trust with my life, are telling me to cause trouble and act impulsively. "The Scopes" are even hinting that I might enjoy the consequences of my mischief.

1) "Your heart may be somewhere, with your mind wandering elsewhere — and as you proceed ahead, all you want to do is bad. Crazy consequences are around every corner, so tread lightly.”

2) “I foresee a version of this scenario playing out in your immediate future, Cancerian. Mischief could lead to opportunity. Blessings might evolve out of shenanigans. Bending the rules may bring rewards.”

Hmmm. Usually more reckless than risky, I find myself tempted to take the astrologers up on their suggestion. Since they are both weekly horoscopes I will allow myself one week of bad behavior. Maybe even more than a week, we'll see. So what should I do?

1. One night stand
2. Karaoke

3. Confess true love (this isn't really do-able task, but it sounds risky)
4. Finally get my tattoo
5. Ask one of the lawyers at work for their phone number
6. Quit my boring second job at the clothing store and use my weekends for a fun vacation
7. Move to NYC 2 months early

Oh my so many possibilities! Hah! What do you suggest I do? The reason why we don't take enough risks is because we are afraid of the outcome. However, I have 2 very reliable sources telling me that it will be fine. OK, well one horoscope told me it would be fine and the other scope told me it could get crazy and beware...so it sounds like its fine. Right?

I have less than a month and a half left in this town, and I want-no NEED to go out with a BANG! I'm leaning towards either one night stand or tattoo. I'll keep you posted.

PDA = Public Display of Avoidance

I saw the saddest thing the other night. I was at my favorite place EVER (Salena's Mexican Restaurant) with my favorite person (BFF Katie) and while we were shoving Mexican food in our mouths and catching up on life, Katie saw something that left her speechless yet amused. Let me preface the story.

We all couple watch, and we all judge those couples. Or rather we "rate" those couples. Whether or not they are "cute", or "annoying" (annoying usually means they are affectionate and it pisses us off), or "look like they are about to break up". Katie's eyes were glued to the couple in front of us. A tall, good looking blond pair. They both easily couple have been Ralph Lauren models (figures). Lets give them the names “Girlfriend” and “Boyfriend”. The couple turned their backs to us and that was when you could fully witness the tragedy that was their body language.

Girlfriend kept putting her arm around Boyfriend and the whole time his hand stayed in his pocket. The other hand was providing support against a fence as he continued to lean AWAY from Girlfriend. Clearly all Girlfriend wanted was for Boyfriend to reciprocate her affection for him, but he kept refusing. Making her look (from an outsiders perspective) like a desperate clingy girl hanging on to a boy who couldn't give a shit. This production went on for about 30 mins.

Let me list the moves Girlfriend tried on her man. Also allow me to reiterate that Boyfriend's hand stayed  the fence and in his pocket and his body always leaned away from her, NEVER into her.

Girlfriends Bag of Tricks

1) Butt Squeeze

2) Arm Wrap Around the Waist(sometimes with The Lean In, sometimes not)

3) Literally put her hand INSIDE his pockets and tried to pull out his hand so he would hold hers

4) Head Rub

5) Cheek Kiss

6) Arm Over Shoulder Move

These maneuvers all happened more than once within the half hour period that we were stalking them. Boyfriend made no effort to reciprocate anything. It was one of the saddest things I have ever seen. While I'm not into PDA myself, (In my opinion most couple's PDA is often forced as an attempt to prove to people you are really happy and you just end up in fact looking insure to the people you are trying to impress).  I DO feel thatour male lead in this story could have put his arm around Girlfriend. What made it even more depressing as that our star couple was on a double date with another couple who was completely in sync. Not touchy feel-y, just comfortable with one another. I feel like our heroine Girlfriend just wanted to to feel wanted by our foe Boyfriend especially as a result of having to stare at the oh-so-perfect couple they were dining with.   Many couples compete after all. Who is the cutest, who is the most in love, who is the most chill blahhhh blahhhhh. Katie and I started to refer to Boyfriend as "Asshole”, but was he really an asshole? He was definitely a guy who wasn't on the same page as his girlfriend and he didn't seem as if he was into her at all.

And then we saw it. The diamond ring on Girlfriend's left hand. Oh Gurl. Really? So Boyfriend and Girlfriend are getting married. Hmmmm. This added a new level to our observation and discussion.

I'm sure there was a time when Boyfriend couldn't keep his hands off  Girlfriend. Katie and I hypothesized in hushed whispers about why this couple had become “That Couple”. Boyfriend wasn't an asshole but he was in a relationship with someone and putting on a front. This guy was frankly nicer to our waitress than to his own fiance.

How do we get to a point when strangers can see through you and the bullshit? You know it's happening, right? How can you not? Why do people allow themselves to hurt not only themselves but other people involved in affairs of the heart?.

Its like that movie “Something Borrowed”.  My girlfriends and I saw it the other night and everyone had a different opinion. Surprise, Surprise. What pissed me off the most about the movie (besides the fact that the book was better) was the fact that the main male character was cheating on his fiance with his law school true love that got away. He had been pining over this girl for 6 years, yet staying in another relationship! Hey its cool if you realize you made a mistake and picked the wrong girl, but don't continue to stay with your fiance and fuck your dream girl on the side, while at the same time acting like YOU are the one who is the tortured soul .

How do people get to the point of unhappiness but still comply with the mold they put themselves in? Furthermore many of my friends (including myself) were bashing the tortured male character about not having the balls to be in charge of his own life when WE in fact have done the same shit. WE have been the ones to not call a boy back even when he keeps calling because we don't want to “look like a bitch and hurt his feelings”. WE have been the ones who keep dating guys, and sleeping with guys we don't even like or respect, because we ...just....do. WE are the ones who never tell the boys we like, that we like them dammit. WE are the ones who comply to a life of dullness and stifled robotic emotions. We all do it. Every single person has done it. Male, female, everyone. We all know why we do it, or maybe we don't know why. Until we can figure out why, we really shouldn't judge others. That couple in the restaurant shouldn't be a spectacle for me to watch, because to be quite honest I've been there, and I probably will again. It's a long road to figuring out what you really want.

While I felt bad for “Girlfriend” and equally bad for “Boyfriend”. They are just like all of us. There is only a very very small percentage of people who can be truly authentic and live how they want all of the time. Most of us concede with pressure. We feel that pressure and force ourselves into a mold that is not who we are.

Is self inflicted pressure our minds way of protecting us or ruining our lives? This seems to be a behavior most of us exhibit, and the ones who seem to live authentically are the people we envy or maybe even don't understand. The heart and the head fight with each other constantly. I have made of list of what I look for in a guy and I can tell you that the majority of the guys I have been with don't even have a small fraction of what is on the list! Yet, I have dated them. I have cried over them and I have even let them lean away from me at a restaurant while other people sat and judged.

There is no resolution for this problem. Insecurity, fear and the battle between head and heart have been imprinted in our DNA. If there were a cure for these ailments, there would be no love songs, there would be no chick flicks to rant about and life would be a lot less interesting. While I don't want to live an unauthentic life, I can see how easy it is to fall into that trap. The only advice I can give is to make a list of what you want and look at your situation and decide if it matches up.

Or here's a better idea. If your boyfriend or girlfriend refuses to hold your hand, even though they KNOW you want to express your feelings for them in that way. Dump them. Don't let them continue to shun you at a public restaurant. Don't allow yourself to be portrayed as undesirable by someone who doesn't know what they want, or even if they want YOU in their life. Find someone who wants what you want. Someone out there WILL want to hold your hand, from the first date to the engagement party, to the 50^th anniversary. I may not know a lot about relationships, but that is something I am certain about.