Farewell, Big Apple

I’m not sure when it started, but ever since I can remember, I knew that I wanted to live in New York City. Blame it on my upstate New York heritage; always longing for something more exciting. Blame it on my ridiculous Broadway obsession starting in my teens, or perhaps the cliche Sex and the City drive that most girls have after they beg their parents for the box set of DVDs. Whatever the reason, I always felt that once I got to NYC I would be “complete”. I tried to convince myself that I belonged in New York, it wasn’t just some pipe dream-NO! I was truthfully a lost child of Manhattan,misplaced in suburbia but someday I would find my way back to the mother ship. The older I got, the more I started strategizing exactly how I would get to the big city. Would I try my hand at singing in the big city? Would I go to college there? Would I move on a whim and somehow “make it”, find my soul mate on the upper west side and live blissfully yet fiercely as I proudly wore the “I’m a New Yorker” badge for all to see. 

Well, about a  year ago I received the news that I would be moving to New York City- Harlem in fact. Not the ideal location I was hoping for, but hey! It was New York and I would never spend any time at my apartment anyway. I’ve been lucky enough to have good roommates, a great job and amazing friends. It was a fantastic 11 months  in Manhattan, and I am so grateful for the experience.

So why am  I leaving? In April of this year, I started to feel that I needed to get away from New York. Too tired, too poor, too frustrated, too exhausted to carry on. When I would visit friends and family elsewhere, my eyes would water at the site of the suburbs, the trees, the simple joy of putting groceries, beach chairs, shopping bags IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR.  The affordability of everything in other cities blew me away. During a night out in Binghamton, NY, I argued with my friends about taking a cab. It was three fucking dollars!!!! How were we NOT taking this cab!!?!??!?!?!??  That was a luxury to me! I'm still bitter about that.

Little voices started whispering in my ear. “It’s time to try something new, you’re young, and you need a break”. Were the voices right? Perhaps they were, but that did not make it any easier to accept. I hadn’t even lived here a year and yet I needed a break. I couldn't do it; I’m not cut out for this. The cold hard truth was, I had been fantasizing for years about how this city would be my redeeming quality, defining me, solving all my problems, putting a fabulous label on me.

In reality, living in New York means nothing unless YOU shape your experience. Just because you live in Manhattan, or Brooklyn, or Queens, or the Bronx, that does not mean you are fabulous. It’s just your address. There are millions of people who live on this island who have never had the luxury of riding in a cab, going out to eat at a new “hot” restaurant, or seeing a Broadway show. Manhattan is diverse-yes, but it is also divided. Depending on your income, NYC can  either be your playground or you can be its prisoner. This isn’t meant to be a social commentary on the state of economic society, merely an account from my perspective as a poor 23 year old girl living in Harlem but trying to living as if she was from Chelsea.  Not to say that I am ashamed of my neighborhood, not at all, but I found myself drawn to the shiny light of the Lower East Side, Upper West Side, and Chelsea area where the possibilities are endless. 

Here is the conundrum: how can you fit into those worlds with the resources you have? As hard as I tried, my clothes never looked like the other girls, I took the subway instead of cabs and my nights out involved bars with no covers, no dress codes, and no door men. Every day I watched as the other girls got off the subway at 72^nd street, 86^th street,  and 103^rd street with their Tory Birch flats, Chloe bags, and Rag and Bone flowing tops, while I shuffled about in my worn-out sensible shoes and mopped my sweaty brow with my wrinkled cardigan.

I didn’t understand how they did it. How were they able to carry on that lifestyle? It was less about their outfits and more about their demeanor; these girls had this ease about them, as if there were no troubles, life was just one fabulous adventure after the other. However, for me, I felt as if I carried my muscles with endless tension, tired and stressed. Nothing was easy for me. My clothes were strictly Old Navy, my groceries were not from Whole Foods by any means, and  I wore my worries on my face at all times.

New York is all about who you know. Your connections can help you get anything in this city, but being new, you have to figure it out on your own. This is exciting, scary and difficult. You do your research; reading articles about where to go, who to ask and who to trust.  You learn from your mistakes (which person was rude to you, which person made you cry, who ripped you off etc.), you also learn that some people will flat out ignore you, because they can. Developing thick skin is a given, and it’s actually a blessing in disguise. You stop caring about certain things, or dwelling on other people’s bad vibes; you become a lot feistier,  and a lot harder. Even after you leave the city, you still carry the aggression, the “don’t fuck with me” mantra.

 I’m enough to handle as it is, without the added attitude that naturally develops after 3 months of city living. Nothing comes easy in New York; dinner reservations, apartments, jobs, relationships.  After 9 months, I became tired of being on the defense all the time; I wanted things to be effortless, like they were back home, or in Rochester, or anywhere else.

It’s like this city is an organic being made of steel, colors, sounds, lights, smells, elements, and danger. This obstacle course that you have to navigate. Others cities don’t feel that way to me.  It was as if other cities welcomed me and assisted me on my journey to nirvana.

Therefore, the little voices kicked in; “It’s time to try something new”, “Is it time to for a change of pace”.How could this be?! What are they talking about?! Why isn’t a fabulous NYC life as a 20-something what I thought it would be? Why have I failed?!

Did I fail or did I realize something at the right time? Perhaps my New York experience is leading me to the pivotal point in my mid-twenties. Maybe this year was the rest stop on the road to what I am truly meant to be doing. I can’t fault New York City for that, can I? NYC showed me one extreme; exposed me to the pinnacle of what the human experience can be, and I suppose I took that and decided I was ready to become exposed to something  else.

As much as I wish, I could be the girl who moved to New York, found a great job, great apartment and never left- that will not be my story. The City and I have our own epic love story that will involve interludes and personal development in between our love fests. We are on a break right now. It’s time that I pursue other cities to be entirely sure that NYC is the one.

So here I am, in Washington, DC. I've bee here for exactly one week. I strangely feel at peace. I have a big girl job, a beautiful apartment in a neighborhood that feels like home. Only time will tell how this pans out. The good news is; since I’ve moved to a town where I know virtually no one!  I will have an abundance of time to re-start my blog! “And I Can’t Help But Wonder: DC Edition”. Stay tuned folks.

Scrimmage

Practice will make perfect, as perfect as it can be. That’s why we shouldn't settle. We have already established that my roommates and I do not agree when it comes to men, dating, sex and relationships. Often times I find myself saying  “Are you fucking kidding me?!”  Women LOVE trying to “make it work”. This is called the dating "game", lets not worry about hurting people's feelings, you gotta be in it to win it.

Dating is like a game of flag  football. You don’t exactly get to tackle, just snatch the little flags off your opponent. Lets think of them as little “red flags”/deal breakers. You get it. However many flags you rip off, indicate whether the guy or girl is right for you.

The purpose of dates 1-5 I believe, is like a series of games. Feeling out your opponent,  and evaluating where he is both strong and weak in a variety of areas. Now let me say something about red flags; they are there for a reason. It's an indicator of something that you may not find adorable, fascinating, or sexy. Red fags are the turn offs , they make you cringe, feel awkward, piss you off, or whatever. You are allowed to listen to these emotions and act accordingly. More often than not, we refuse to listen to our instincts or count how many red fags we have ripped off our opponent.

Yes, its true that we all want a successful relationship without much effort, but the more you ignore what you don’t like, the more you have to settle with it.

About a month ago, I finally had a really great date. You know like a GREAT DATE. His name was Johnathan, I saw him on OK Cupid and my jaw dropped. So I decided to message him, in the vain hope that he would reply. He did! And after  about a week or so of online chit chat, he asked me out on a date to a wine bar. I was excited for my second real date in NYC, feeling like maybe my cliche Sex and the City fantasies would come true.  

We talked about everything, it felt comfortable and low key.  Blame it on his thick body, blame it on his facial hair, or maybe the wine, or maybe the fact that he paid for the wine, but by the end of our first date (a.k.a Scrimmage #1) I hadn’t snatched any of his red flags away. There were no glaring warning signs or annoying character traits, that bothered me. We all come out winners. High five.

 We decided to go out again and I spent the next week, day dreaming about my new “Winter Boyfriend” Johnathan.  Floating on a cloud and celebrating the accomplishment of having my Greatest First Date. Ever. Even his method of asking me out again was perfect, it was almost scary.

Johnathan set up our second date, which was to involve a daytime stroll through Central Park on a beautiful autumn afternoon. We were  supposed  to meet at one of the fountains by the row boats. I was beyond excited for my date aka Scrimmage #2. I didn’t want to get my hopes up but I just couldn’t  help myself. I spent hours getting ready, thinking about my outfit days ahead of time. 

By 2pm Sunday afternoon, reality hit. I was almost 30 minutes late. For some reason I could not find my way in the park. I was running around, sweating and sending apology texts. When I finally reached Johnathan,  he didn’t look like the same guy from THE GREAT FIRST DATE EVER. He now seemed, nervous and awkward, even a little cold (RIPS RED FLAG). He even went in for the awkward kiss on the cheek/hug combination as our greeting...ugh . As I awkwardly caught my breath, we awkwardly chatted by the one of the fountains. I didn’t understand what was going wrong this time! We went from talking about our deepest insecurities,  to talk about his deep fryer????? Oh no no no (RIPS RED FLAG).

I felt like I was doing most of the talking; thinking of new ways to ask about mundane bullshit. It was time for us to change locations, but as we got up to leave , a musician asked us if we wanted to hear a song; “Sure why not” I thought to myself, at least it would fill up some of the silence, but before I could give an enthusiastic “YES!”’; Johnathan cut me off and said “WE WERE JUST LEAVING”. Wait…what? You really had to diss this Central Park musician? It’s a minute long show you jack ass and all we have to do is give him a dollar at the end. (RIPS RED FLAG). This is actually a deal breaker for all men. Being rude to street musicians,  or homeless people is a no no. Don’t treat them like they are less than, be respectful.

Johnathan was on thin ice….he had already lost 3 flags in about a 20 minute period. Game 2 had just started. I wanted to bail already, but I decided that I had just spent 3 hrs getting ready and had initially been excited, so I told myself I should  still give it a go anyway.  The rest of the afternoon consisted of awkwardly walking through the park, looking at street performers in silence, standing under trees in silence, me looking at my phone, and me  acting like a cold bitch. (About 3 more flags had been ripped off at this point). I almost vomited in my mouth wen he started bitching about how the Central Park horses smelled. Leaving the fucking horses alone Johnathan! (RIPS RED FLAG). After about an hour and a half of this mess, we decided to end the afternoon with of a cup of coffee and meaningless chit chat about cooking and occasionally people watching.

As the date came to  close I couldn’t believe what had changed. I had ripped off basically all of his flags, and I’m sure he had ripped some of mine off as well. It just wasn’t working. Who knows what  had changed in the past week, but I knew he wasn’t going to be anything more than a good first date and a disappointing second date. The next day I wondered what I was going to do; what if he wanted to go out again?! How do I end this things? Well, fortunately we both mutually agreed we werent'  good match, e-mails were exchanged and no hard feelings were had.

Sure, we could have given it another date, but often times we try to make things work instead of finding people that actually work for us. Sure, it was nice having a guy pay for all my shit and take me to a nice place. He has his life together (bonus) and had an apt on the upper east side (check plus!), but if you can't stand the person with all the benefits, then whats the point? I say, pay attention to the red flags and the deal  breakers;  they matter, because if you try to ignore them or try to fix them, you’ll end up losing the game altogether.

Stop, Look and Listen

The Big Apple and I have a complicated relationship. I’m never sure if we're headed down the same path and rightfully so this city is always taking the lead. Sometimes I hate New York, and sometimes can't believe my luck that I live here.

Within one hour, I am reading about people getting attacked or groped by total strangers, and I'm fearing for my life on the subway. Then 5 minutes later I am strutting down the street saying “Hello!” to everyone and drinking my Starbucks with a song in my heart, in awe of the Greenwich Village neighborhood where I work. Then at the end of the day I'm getting pushed around by the rush hour mob and wandering back to my Harlem neighborhood. This is a place of extreme fantasy and harsh reality.

Every show about NYC is a lie. You will experience snippets of Sex and the City/Friends moments, but it's not going to be your life. The majority of New Yorkers aren’t front and center, because for most of us, we aren’t millionaires who shop at Barney's. We are real people, who look forward to the clearance rack at Anthropologie, free museums and 3 dollar beers. The real people of NYC are amazing, they are TV worthy, but the problem is, we take it all for granted.
In NYC, splendid things happen everyday, but were never take enough time to stop, look and listen. We look at the ground, we look at the buildings, and the advertisements. We don't dare look at each other. We are constantly moving and all we focus on are our customized “on the go” play lists on repeat on our iPods. The thing is, when you stop, really sit still, look around and listen; that’s when magical things happen. Here's what I've observed/discovered in the past month.

1) I found a small black book lying on a table next to my office door that turned out to be guide to New York. It had been donated to my office among a pile of other books. This little book was literally a life saver during my first few weeks. I am no longer breaking out my huge paper map or asking people questions like. “What and where is Tribecca?”. It seemed as if fate put this book in my hands, when I was least expecting it, yet needed it most.

2) At the end of a rough day during a particularly boring subway ride, a new passenger got on the train. This guy, looked like he was in his mid 20s, average, probably a student. Then he pulled a Rubik's Cube out of his bag. You don’t just bring a Rubik's cube out in public. We all know these cube’s are a source of frustration for just about everyone on the planet. The only reason you would-out of the blue bring a Rubik's cube into the public eye, is because you know you can solve it, and that is exactly what this guy did. In about 1 minute, he solved the cube and then just sat there with it. Staring at his work. What? It seemed as if solving the cube on the subway was a normal as reading a book or listening to music. He held the cube in his hand and just stared at it. He did it to relax, he did it because it made him happy. Yet, it seemed that nobody was watching him as intently as I was. No one was watching him at all.

3) The subway is a surprisingly kind environment. Of course there are grumpy people who won't scoot over, or who like to get in fights, or cough everywhere, but the majority of subway riders are there to share in a happy commute, or have 30 mins of peace before emerging from the ground into the chaos. Most days, I see great kindness between people. Smiles, or giving up seats. People often apologize for bumping and shoving, and there are always adorable babies and cute couples loving life.I even saw a woman fall back onto someone, only to get lifted up by the them. You would be surprised how many people have helped each other back on their feet after a subway stumble. Strangers can't look each other in the face, but we will help your neighbor stand again.

4) While having a struggle at the post office (I purchased the wrong box for my package and put the wrong label on it). The post office woman cheered me on as I scraped the sticker off the package. Just as I was about to give up she told me "Keep going! You can still use that label! You give up too easily girl!". She was right! I DO! I was willing to let that postage label dictate me! Not anymore! She could have just as easily made me buy a new package and label, but instead she helped me. She wanted me to save that damn $10 and believed in my label removing abilities. This woman didn't even know me. I was holding up the line and costing her money, yet she still helped me.

These four examples are just a handful of, random yet influential moments that I've experienced since moving here . The reason these situations have left such an impact I believe, is because they happened to me in moments that I felt that New York City wasn't the place for me. People were too abrasive, I was getting lost, and felt alone. Then at the precise moment I wanted to just dis-engage and shut down, I would catch little glimpses of miraculous things. I witnessed New Yorkers acting as human beings rather than aggressive zombie-robots circa "I am Legend".

No one in NYC seems shocked by anything. On the other hand, I have only been living her for about 2 months and everything is shocking, amazing, scary, motivating and upsetting. I hope it stays that way. Too many people I know are desensitized by everything in this city. I suppose it comes with the territory. They’ve seen it all, heard it all, read it all. We traveled to this small island for one reason or another. This collage of colors, shapes, and voices, all contained on a small island. Does it make any sense? 8.1 million people within about a 20 mile radius. 8.1 million stories, millions of couples, millions of singles, millions of families and friendships. I believe that we all should be become more fascinated with each other, for the simple fact that we are all stuck here together. We have to share this space, so we might as well be polite about it.

What if we tried to smile at 5 people a day, and keep a small stash of change, to give away to the people who ask us, instead of just avoiding them. Are we really going to use that 17 cents in our bag or just throw it in a jar at home? What if we said excuse me when we bumped into each other, or complimented someone we are standing next to in line? What if we walked home instead of jumping in a cab?! What if we became less preoccupied with blending in , and became more invested in connecting with everyone else? And what if we believed that we too, yes WE were just as fascinating? Just as fascinating as the Rubik’s cube guy, the mysterious black book, the motivational postal worker and the comforting arms that catch us on the subway when we fall.

All you have to do is 1) Stop 2) Look and 3) Listen.

Season 2

hey everyone!
we are officially in Season 2 of the unscripted hot mess, low budget saga that is my life.
despite hurricanes and delay,s the journey to NYC was a success. I met my new roommates and between orientation for my new job and bonding with my housemates I have had absolutely no time for anything I'm used to doing. I guess that is good in some ways.
what can I say about NYC? its New York after all, but we hit the ground running and I don't plan on stopping. I only have a year here until the next adventures takes over, so I'm doing to make damn I live the NYC life with no regrets. I have to be up in 6 hours so I'll end this posts for now. I'll be updating in a few days with stories and a TO DO list for the year. Stay Tuned!

Have You Ever Had Your Blood Pressure Checked? Also, Do You Grind Your Teeth?

Note: This blog is a hot mess. Enjoy!

So while I was at the dentist today my favorite hygienist told me that they now take blood pressure vitals during teeth cleanings. Weird, but W.E. Seeing as how I just had my blood pressure taken a few weeks ago and it was disturbingly good (112 over 69 BOOOOO YAHHHH)  I was OK with it. Then I got the results back, my blood pressure was bad you guys. OMG so bad. I was practically dead! We re-took it towards the end of the appointment and it had dropped drastically, but it was still not the same as it usually is and was kind of a cause for concern.
This could be a result of a few factors:
1) I'm busy which causes me to eat horribly because I have no time (not an excuse I know). I just recently moved from Rochester and in my last few days I spent most of the time going out to dinner and drinks with friends, sooo I mean... IT'S THE FOOD'S FAULT! (denial and avoidance, sad).
2)I haven't exercised in months because of my 2nd job (not an excuse).
3) I sign up for too many responsibilities in the past few months. The last time I felt relaxed was in January when I was at Disney world....drunk at Epcot.
Seriously though all those bull shit excuses aside. I AM SO STRESSED OUT!!!! I don't understand why. I mean, I do totally understand, but this is crazy. When I'm stressed I do the opposite of what most people do. When I'm, stressed I stop talking and just sit in silence to think. Stress shuts me down. I don't lash out, I just become introverted. And apparently my vitals decide to portray me as a corpse.

So lets break this down and figure out why I'm bitching and what's really bothering me. Everything is so exciting right now but very terrifying.
-I just left Rochester, my home for the past year. I left in a rush. Not taking time to do the things I said I would, working up until the very last day. Packing at the last minute and saying goodbyes without feeling ready. Many people I have grown close with, and now we are all moving to different corners of the country. Some people and I grew apart, and before I knew it they had already moved away without so much as a goodbye text. RUDE. I feel as if I just sprouted roots and now I'm ripping them up, faced with the fact that I need to re-plant myself into another city.

-I have spent so much time away from my friends in NYC/Long Island that I'm out of touch. Their lives have gone on without me there. Things were happening that I missed. While I was creating a life in Rochester, they were carrying on with theirs. Its like I am a grade behind and I have  a lot catching up to do.

-Living in NYC has been a dream of mine for, forever.  Now that it's come to fruition....I'm gonna throw up. My new job seemed so exciting and intriguing and now I'm worried I can't do it. Images of bad luck and failure come to mind when I think of NYC. While everyone else in my life has been so supportive and can see me succeeding I just see myself getting mugged, getting lost and getting fired.

-I will be taking my LSAT in October and applying to law school... (I won't bore you with more information, but this is stressful).

I'm not sure where all this self doubt came from, but if there is such thing a 23 yr old life crisis I might  be in mine. When you get older you realize. "This is your fucking life, so what are you going to do with it?". I've been too busy trying to grab life my the balls that I got caught up in the excitement of all that grabbing and somehow lost my Mojo. Ya know?

This is a scary time for many of the people I know. A lot of us are moving, changing jobs, going back to school, and living alone. We are freaking out when we see friends from high school have babies or get married because we decided not to...yet. The safety net is gone. Mom and dad are retired and aren't coming to our aide because guess what, they have a life now and it includes buying condos and drinking. It does not include paying for our college or taking care of our questions about laundry.

Most of us are still single. Gasp! Which reminds me! The OK cupid men in NYC from what I've seen so far are a real step up. Their messages are better, they are thicker, richer and well traveled with big boy jobs. Even though I'm moving in a few days I decided to change my location to NYC earlier to get a feel for what these big city men were like. Don't worry, the dating game is ON again! I'm going in guns blazing.

But anyway I digress.....

Do I feel guilty for complaining? Absolutely. An unsure person can quickly manifest into a negative person who takes life for granted because they are afraid. Ugh. I never want my hesitation to stop  me from really living my life but I also need to remember that its OK to take a breather sometimes. The way I left Rochester was so sad. When you sign yourself up to do 1,000 different things you don't get the opportunity to experience any of those moments fully.
I want to soak in my year in NYC, and not be afraid to fail. I want to have a  one night stand with the Man v. Food guy (you heard me), publish a book, strut down 5th Ave. I want to go to museums, and  date neurotic men! I was to stalk celebrities and get into law school. I want to be a master of the subway and be able to give someone directions like I know what I'm talking about. I want to keep singing. I want to work hard  at my job and do it well. I want to reconnect with my friends and make new ones and I want to do it all.........with a normal blood pressure.

Hiatus

Hey yah! Its been a while I know. I felt like I was on a roll recently with my blogs and communicating with all of you, and then something horrible happened!  My computer crashed. I mean...gone. Turned it on one day and I saw a blue screen with some gibberish and that was it.

13 pages of blogs and ideas gone. That was about 3 weeks ago and I haven't been feeling like writing a blog since. Not because I don't want to but because, its not the same! I still have many topics and ideas to post to you all, but writing them down isn't the same as typing away on my little Dell laptop (appropriately named "A-Dell/Adele"). I cant even explain how good it is to just drink some wine and listen to some bad pop music and type away, just type type type.

Its so sad that A-Dell is gone, but maybe its a sign. At least I can say I've been on hiatus right? Like a celebrity. And now I can finally get up to date on the latest technology with my new computer. I've also been trying to get things in order for my big move to NYC and working 2 jobs has turned me into an unkempt zombie woman. Its gross and I'm looking forward to a fabulous weekend with friends to set me back into the groove. I promise to start writing more before I hit New York. I have to figure out a way to phase out of Rochester. I'm sick of this place yet feel there is still so much for me to do here! Dilemma!!!!!! I'll try to catch you all up to what's been going on lately! Stay tuned!  

 

Whit <3

Tell Me What I Think I Want To Hear

What pisses me off the most about having female friends is that we lie. LIE,LIE, LIE. We try to be a good friend by acting like a shitty friend who is intent on sabotage. Here is the classic example: We have all allowed a female friend to continue to waste her time over a guy who is clearly THE WRONG GUY. We say things like "go girl" or "call him" or "let's analyze his behavior". NO. This is very bad.

What we should be saying is "Don't waste your time. He isn't into you and you should find someone who is." Instead we entertain our friend's fantasies. Whether those are fantasies about their perfect mate, the perfect outfit or the perfect life plan.

We don't want to be "bitches" to people we care about so we lie. God forbid we give ourselves the self inflicted BITCH title. We also use the “people are in charge of their own lives” card as a defense for when shit goes awry. We never stop to think that being the enabler actually makes us the bitches we fear.

Sugar coating is just another way of delaying the inevitable. Contrary to popular belief, the "inevitable" is something better on the other side. Getting over, having new goals, appreciating what you are worth instead of trying to fit the mold. Honestly and frankness don't make you a bad friend, as long as you have the best interest of the friend in mind.

I'm guilty of it too and I don't just do this with my girlfriends. I do this with the majority of the people in my life. I even tell my guy friends what they want to hear, because I can't bear to be the one to tell them something hurtful. They ask me advice about the women in their life with those hopeful eyes and eager expectations and what am I supposed to do? Tell them “she sucks, move on”. NO!

This character trait of mine has been haunting me lately. I may have led a guy friend of mine into a dangerous relationship with some girl who doesn't even deserve him and who is CRAZY! (Sorry, don't hate me! You know who you are. I'm saying this now, and I know you will read this blog. I'm sure you'll be very happy together. Don't hate me). You help assist this person with their delicate emotional pursuits, even though the voice in the back of your mind is saying “Um, really are we sure this is a good idea?!?!?”. You do this because you thought that was what he wanted to hear (foolish). You just want to be supportive! Or have your really ruined their lives?!

It's great to be impulsive and fancy free, doing what the heart wants. Those situations where you listen to your inner voice and just, GO! That's not what I'm talking about. When we ask friends for advice we are calculating, not living in the moment. There is nothing impulsive about it. We are asking people we trust for help. Even though hearing what we want to hear, makes us feel better (and more deluded) it sets us up to fail.

Don't tell people what they want to hear. Many of us live by and act on the advice we get from others (not because we don't have a brain of our own but because we are out of ideas!). We have no idea how powerful our words are. Maybe that's the trick. When you run out of ideas- I mean when you are really at a loss and confused; just give up. Is that better than listening to the sympathetic condolences of friends?

This is why male “real talk” is the best. Well, let me back up. When comparing the successful advice I have received from my male friends and my female friends, my male friends were more frank, and it helped me a great deal. I still remember what they had to say and remind myself of their comments when I'm about to do something stupid. My guy friends say what is real while still making me feel good about myself.

I have this friend Seth who I ADORE! (Hey Seth you are finally in a blog post!) I adore him for many reasons. I appreciate him greatly from one big reason. His honesty. I tell Seth all of my life woes and he always breaks it down. Every guy who was a dick, or emotionally unavailable that I lusted after, he told me "Whitney, No!". Even when I try to convince him that he is wrong about this one. I plead with him to listen to the details of the story and again and see that this new crush really is a good guy! He still says “No Whit”. Do I listen, what do you think?

In the end after every sobbing session on the phone with him I always ended up thinking "You were right.". Come to think of it, all of my friends to live in the NYC/Long Island areas are more honest than any other group of friends I've had. (Thank god I'm moving there, so they can help me navigate my way through a whole new batch of mistakes). Honesty is refreshing and re-establishes to me that my friends have my best interest at heart.

Nowadays when I talk with my girlfriends about guys, I rarely take what they say to heart. I keep the nuggets of information and try to search for the truth within the white lies. It's not that I don't appreciate the advice they give me, but I know enough to take it with a grain of salt. The old saying should really be “If you don't have anything honest to say, don't say anything at all”. Little white lies that you believe are nice sugar coated suggestions or pieces of advice, are really just misleading bullshit. So I'll make a deal with all of you. I'll try to be more honest, if you do.